#1
crit 4 crit


I'm leading you down this, road of desolation
this road of lonliness, isolation
and now suddenly your all alone

You know the thing that stopped us
was the only thing you couldnt fix
and i know this ghost will haunt you
a memory you'll always want, but never miss

I warned you not to fall this fast
you fell... soo hard
I tried not to hurt you
i swear i did
i guess that mistake
I'll have to live with

And the thing that stopped us
was the only thing you couldnt fix
this ghost continues to haunt you
a memory you still want, but dont miss

I lead you away from, the safety of yourself
saying all the right things to make you melt
and as you turned around looking for me
you realized that im nowhere to be seen

This song is my sorry as well as my goodbye
it is my attempt to stop anymore tears
from falling from your eyes
I hate being the bad guy, so goodbye
goodbye...
#2
I felt as though it was kinda inconsistent, but maybe its just the way its laid out on the screen. The second verse looked like it had a different flow, with the different spacing and such.

Anyways, I think I'd like it better if you didnt change the words between the choruses. The first one was perfectly alright.
#3
nice job overall...it flows good except in one part, which is the part between the choruses where you change the rhyme scheme.the verese have good feeling in them as well as the chorus.


Would you crit the first one in my sig?
thx
#4
i personally really liked it, the structure was wierd though, could you point out what is the verse and a chorus and a bridge? other than that you wrote this very well, great job

crit 4 crit, right? link are in sig. the latest of mine is the poem
#5
Quote by pollins1989
crit 4 crit


I'm leading you down this, road of desolation
this road of lonliness, isolation
and now suddenly your all alone
I like this verse right here, you can take the comma out from between this and road in the first verse but it doesn't make much difference.

You know the thing that stopped us
was the only thing you couldnt fix
and i know this ghost will haunt you
a memory you'll always want, but never miss
I like this too...you don't really have many errors so far...

I warned you not to fall this fast
you fell... soo hard
I tried not to hurt you
i swear i did
i guess that mistake
I'll have to live with
Nothing wrong here, maybe expand a bit more?

And the thing that stopped us
was the only thing you couldnt fix
this ghost continues to haunt you
a memory you still want, but dont miss
Same

I lead you away from, the safety of yourself
saying all the right things to make you melt
and as you turned around looking for me
you realized that im nowhere to be seen
Nice work here, you're pretty good.

This song is my sorry as well as my goodbye
it is my attempt to stop anymore tears
from falling from your eyes
I hate being the bad guy, so goodbye
goodbye...
Great ending here, you've got some talent with this, I haven't read many songs this good on UG.


Crit one of the songs in my sig?
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#6
First of all, thanks for the crit. Well, for one thing, the title was interesting and it grabbed my attention. Anyways, I love the way the song was written. The language you used was great and it flowed very well. Keep it up.
#7
This song is my sorry as well as my goodbye
it is my attempt to stop anymore tears
from falling from your eyes
I hate being the bad guy, so goodbye
goodbye...

yea, that was pretty cliche. Just take the same idea and put some new words in . I also never liked the word "guy" in a song.

2. It seemed like some of your rhyming sounded way to forced. Even if it wasnt, it sounds that way, try to do some rhymes that arent exactly rhymes as words that go together such as ( an example from my song ) :
Clouds, ground
Cheek, least
Water, Faltered
See what I mean? these words dont exactly rhyme but they have the same sounds in them like in clouds it has the "owe" sound as well as in ground. It is a little secret I found that makes writing roll right off the tongue in a very clean way.

3. As for this:


I warned you not to fall this fast
you fell... soo hard
I tried not to hurt you
i swear i did
i guess that mistake
I'll have to live with

I didnt see the flow there, I would reword it, unless im singing it wrong?


Well the rest was good, just keep writing, cause this was a good idea to write with. Thanks for the crit on my song dude.
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#8
man, i can not even crit that! it is so0o0o0o0o0o coooool, i almost cried when i read it, jokin..but what i mean,u r extremely talanted, i see u letting ur feelings out by writin lyrics.
u r cool, keep it up man, lov ur style of writing, peace
#9
i really liked it.....i couldnt get a tune for it in my head so i didnt think it flowed very good, but with music im sure it will..."This song is my sorry as well as my goodbye it is my attempt to stop anymore tears from falling from your eyes" i loved that part, really shows the emotion in it.....anyways if you get the chance can you crit my new song "Seven Years" its in my sig...thanks..
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#10
wlcmtothejungle... i used tons of rhyming like that in this song . examples
fix, miss
did, with (rhymes more when sung)
yourself, melt
me, seen
goodbye, eyes