#1
Hey, I'm new at this, never really written songs before. This is my first ever structured song, so go ahead bash this as much as you want; I just want to know what I need to improve to be a better writter. Writing is a passion, so please give me your honest opinion; I won't take it personal. Thanks.


Broken mirror, where should I go
you're getting closer, don't you know
as I walk down this crowded road
accompanied yet I feel alone
so why should I head on blind
living your wish of someone elses life
tell me

Do you think you won this fight
by telling me addictive lies
I've had it up to here
at the edge of a pier

please don't tell me what's not right
you're not the one who lived this lie
and it is your tears which i cry
leaving you with a sweet goodbye

broken mirror, for what it's worth
the ending could have been much worse
maybe you have learned by now
I could have burned your whole world down
but why would I hurt your pride
now I'll just try to live my life
tell me

Did you think you won our fight
with these intoxicating lies
you've had it up to here
knowing your end is near

please don't tell me what's not right
you're not the one who lived this lie
and it is your tears which I cry
leaving you with a sweet goodbye
(x2)
#2
youre pretty good already, i liked this song, youre right about songwriting being a passion, a couple things: 1) you dont have to rhyme every line (AAAA) try different and original rhyme schemes, man, i still liked your rhying just sometimess it gets too forced, 2)keep writing youll get better, youre already good, i really did like this song, and it helps to look at other's songs, itll make you better.

if you want to take a look a t mine, its in sig
#3
good, the only thing i can say is the line "at the edge of a pier" has to go. i dont know why, its just not working for me. find something else to go in its place
#4
AmplifySilence: yeah you're right, I should use more original rhyme scheme. I'm glad that you liked it.

Cowfab: i totally agree with you even i thought 'at the edge of a pier' was weird; any suggestion??

Anyways, I really appreciate the crits.
#5
wow...i really wish i could write this when i started...
Anyway there ARE a few things bad here...as already said, the rhyme scheme is boring. The subject matter is pretty cliche too, and so are some of the phrases like "tears i cry" you know? But this is a great start mate. The broken mirror part wasnt so cliche i think, but it didnt seem that interesting even though i havent heard it much before.

I know youre a beginner but id appreciate if you checked out mine. After all, a rookie might pick up some stuff that a veteran doesnt, not that im that good lol.
Its the first one in my sig if you can
thx