#1
Crit for Crit
Hey, I decided that my other piece wasn't a good enough opening to my "series" of songs, so i spent a long time yesterday and today writing this, hopefully it is a better introduction.

Verse1
A class in the middle of the summer
Was first viewed as a remedial dilemma
Before we met at the crowded alley
That one midmorning in July

A trade of names and a store of faces
Was typical of many of these boring places
Before I encountered a dream of mine
That one midmorning in July

Prechorus1
In the dim glow of the perfect blacklight
The voices faded like a misty night
Your aura showed an invisible outline
Emphasizing your perfect image
Yet no lust nor desire maimed my mind

Chorus
We ride on together
Through the raging storm
A shining light forever
Dedication is reborn

Verse2
A trip for ice cream afterwards
Was eventually to be turned
Into the birth of our burning friendship
That midmorning in July

Prechorus2
In the bright glare of a shining sun
Two souls joined into a marvelous one
Our shocked connection a prophetic promise
Solemnly swearing on the coming years
Our life would be more than a fleeting kiss

Chorus

Verse3
An afternoon alone at your house
Our test to see who would allow
Raging emotions take their hold
That midmorning in July

Prechorus3
In the dark room behind the curtains
Neither blood nor purity was compromised
Our abstinence not for a religion
Nor the hardened will of determination
But content with our current position

Chorus
#2
THIS KICKS ASS!!!

...

i like it
..duh

its got alot, i mean A LOT of awesome lines and verses
and i can feel the passion and and they way its supposed to make you feel

...one problem, yeah, i know, it just couldn't be perfect, lol

umm... yeah, **Verse 2**...idk, just kinda felt like it didn't fit, and that it was just in there to take up space, though, i think if you rewrote it and rhymed words in it with other words from other verses, so that it fits in really nicely, along with making the previous stazas last and give an intro for the next ones.
wow.
yeah, but other than that, its great!
#3
yeah awesome job . that verse does seem slightly out of place but it works .

i really dont see anything that needs to be changed other than that . nice
#4
yeah you did great. didnt read part one so cant say if you did better, haha part 1/2... thats funny. part half. oh yeah, the song, very good, prechorus the best, great writing. i dont see how this can have more parts to it. oh well ill stay and find out.

what kind of music (i imagine an acoustic guitar, and a light distortion in chorus, a ballady kind of rock)?

and thanx for crit on my poem, have time for one of my songs?
#5
Hey thanks for the crit.
Your song is intense. When I read it, it felt like it was written out of a poem. I like your word usage, I think it's pretty unique. I also like how you described your first encounter with the person. I think almost everyone can relate to that.
The only thing I didn't like was the last line in the chorus. "Dedication is reborn." Somehow it doesn't go with the rest. But I'm just a rookie.
Other than that the song is very powerful. Great.
#7
Hmm.. does anyone have any suggestions about the 3rd verse? to me, i guess i think its a little childish...
#9
reallly like the song, and the flow, second verse was a little different...could use some editing, but the song was really good, lots of solid lines in it, and well i just really liked it.....i wish i could right songs like this, mine just turn out angry......anyways if ya wanna take a look at one or more of my songs, it would be appreciated...
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#10
hmmm...does anyone have any idea what style i should put music to? I kind of thought this would make a good song if i kind of made it like a Dashboard confessional song, or some other mainly acoustic sound.
#11
Quote by AAA_the_band
Crit for Crit
Hey, I decided that my other piece wasn't a good enough opening to my "series" of songs, so i spent a long time yesterday and today writing this, hopefully it is a better introduction.

Verse1
A class in the middle of the summer
Was first viewed as a remedial dilemma
Before we met at the crowded alley
That one midmorning in July
Nice opening, puts an image in my head, defnitely a nice attention grabber.

A trade of names and a store of faces
Was typical of many of these boring places
Before I encountered a dream of mine
That one midmorning in July
Not much to say here, catchy and to the point.

Prechorus1
In the dim glow of the perfect blacklight
The voices faded like a misty night
Your aura showed an invisible outline
Emphasizing your perfect image
Yet no lust nor desire maimed my mind
Nothing to say here, great imagery and emotion

Chorus
We ride on together
Through the raging storm
A shining light forever
Dedication is reborn
Short, catchy, rhyming.. good chorus!

Verse2
A trip for ice cream afterwards
Was eventually to be turned
Into the birth of our burning friendship
That midmorning in July
Good elaboration, it's nice to see story-telling lyrics.

Prechorus2
In the bright glare of a shining sun
Two souls joined into a marvelous one
Our shocked connection a prophetic promise
Solemnly swearing on the coming years
Our life would be more than a fleeting kiss
Wowz.. xD

Chorus

Verse3
An afternoon alone at your house
Our test to see who would allow
Raging emotions take their hold
That midmorning in July
still digging the repitition

Prechorus3
In the dark room behind the curtains
Neither blood nor purity was compromised
Our abstinence not for a religion
Nor the hardened will of determination
But content with our current position
Awesome

Chorus


Hey man, this is a great piece of work here! It's very thorough, but the colorful language really keeps me interested!



And my pantoum, was I guess indirectly a dedication to someone.. When I'm writing lyrics if I'm not directly inspired, I pretend that I'm actually in a situation and describe it.
Member #4 of the punctuation police, pm alex_haeni to join.
#12
I like it alot man, I really do, I will do an indepth asap but Im kind of busy, but i will say the chorus 3 is niice. dont forget to crit mine still
god bless<#
#13
That one's pretty good. Like addressed before Verse 2 seems a bit out of place but other than that it's great. Crit one of the ones in my sig?
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#14
Hey man this is some really good stuff, although i dont really like the line "That Midmorning in July" it just doesnt resonate to me, but im sure we're thinking of it differently.
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#15
This is a great song,` its a little different in a cliche way, i dunno if that makes sense but Its like this kind of topic has been used a lot but u made a good song out of it by using uncliche ideas? I really hated the 2nd verse though, it seems like all your good ideas just started to melt away in that verse. Maybe change it, unless you really like it.

In the bright glare of a shining sun
Two souls joined into a marvelous one

I loved that line! great line, good rhyming. Theres not much I can say about the rest of it, it was solid, it wasnt amazingly fantastic but It would make for a hell of a song. Thanks for critiquing mine
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#16
Amazing i really liked it, you did a really great job. The verses sound like a poem, all of them were good, the chorus was short but it fit nicely with the song, the prechoruses were really good, i liked the second one alot. Overall its a really nice song I'll give it an 8.5/10.
Crit mine please? its in my sig
Last edited by cubs at Aug 8, 2006,
#17
Well i started off doing a fullcrit here for you man, but there's really not that mcuh for me to say. Seriously. I really like this piece; it's simple yet effective.

One thing though that I shall point out... in your chorus:

We ride on together
Through the raging storm
A shining light forever
Dedication is reborn


I dig the first 2 lines a lot, but the last 2 IMO are too cheesy for this piece. I know what you mean and what you're trying to say and stuff but the way it is here is a little too corny if you ask me. Just IMO though, tis up to you what you do with it

Good work man, nice song
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#18
In the dim glow of the perfect blacklight
The voices faded like a misty night


I really like this line, its flows so well. In fact the whole thing was awesome. I especially liked Pre-chorus 3. Nice job.
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#19
sounds like a solid song written by an established band...good work. I will have to agree with the others on the 3rd verse (sorta childish) but, overall, awesome work! Keep it up.
#20
Hey thanx for the crit on my song, I hope you enjoyed it.
I really liked this. It has a lust/hunger for love vibe to me.
ill have to get around to reading the other in a min.
#21
ill say this.

GREat imagry and rhyme scheme

great use of vocab,

amazing song writing skills

i give it a 9.5

im a little confused as to why the first verse, and the one towards the middle have no rhyme scheme in them, but the rest of the verses do, that kinda throws off the flow a bit