#1
This is a song that I wrote for a girl. It does'nt have a chorus, or at least it features one time in the song. See what you think of it. Pls crit it


(Verse 1)
Lately, I cant seem to cover,
What I long for
And maybe, I cant remember,
Where I went wrong

Because you and I are still alot,
Of everything we once forgot,
Thought memories remain when I see you.
And my loneliness will fade when I breathe you.


(Verse 2)
Hate me for how far I fall, for you.
But save me for how long I lost, in you.

With raining tears of hope and joy,
And running leaves of times before,
I'll never be in another's need with you.
And though changes they may come, I'll be a fool for you


(Chorus)
Tell me, how can't I believe,
When I see you in my dreams.
You're the part of me,
That I want to be.

Take my hand and, leave with me,
Show me a lifetime in you dreams.
Cause there's nothing left to lose
There is an always here close to you.



(Verse 3)
Sometimes I cant seem to catch up,
From where I lost you.
Cause I'm lost in another world when I look, at you.

And I know its hard to believe me when I,
Dont show as much as you would like.
But trust me when I say Ive fallen for you.
And after all this time I can safely say....I love you.
#2
The beginnings of each of the verses are actually very good, maybe a little cliche, but all songs about girls seem to be. The part about "what we once forgot", could be, "what we have forgot", to me it sounds better. The second parts of the verses are kind of weak i think...but that justs me, sometimes the flow of this song gets ot of line. The chorus is pretty good, Maybe you should put it after the first verse too...


Could you check out mine? its the first one in my sig.
thx
#3
its pretty good
most of the verses seem to flow within but need a tie in
the line And my loneliness will fade when I breathe you. is a little weird
the wording on that line is a little off
but still good
check mine out, its in the sig
#4
i really like this....very catchy and very good imagery....i really love the chorus.....anyways not t omuch else to say other then to stick with it....come back and edit it, put some guitar into it and rock out....anyways if you get the chance can please crit one of my songs.....preferably 7 years...thanks in advance...
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