#1
--The Journal--

June 9th,1998 9 :03 a.m.

Reading my journals was something i never enjoyed doing. I hid them away from me, to never force myself to remember. This is a gift, not a curse, and I will enjoy today, not hate my past. My journals will always remain hidden among broken memory strands, forcifully forgotten. Im starting to think this man is here to help me, but i wonder why he remains hidden. Im going back to the store today, to wait.

--Reality--

Sitting there for hours, occasionally going back in for a pack, was excruciating. I kept thinking, what if this was just a coincidence, what if i was just there, and the signs were meant for any passers-by. Eventually i smoked my last Turkish Jade, sucking in that cool menthol, and I walked into the store to buy a new pack.

"Camel, Turkish Jades" I said to the elderly lady.

"I.D. please"

I took out my wallet looking down to pull out my I.D.

"You're killing yourself boy" a mean scratchy voice yelled.

I stared down, scared to look up. Finally retaining the courage, I glanced, and there he was. Except, different. He made me feel scared inside, like i was doing something wrong, and he was going to punish me for it. I ran, it was all i could think to do, run. All the way home I ran.


--The Journal--

June 9th, 1998 7:38 p.m.

It's time to read all my old journals.
#2
Quote by TrigFunction
--The Journal--

June 9th,1998 9 :03 a.m.

Reading my journals was something i never enjoyed doing. I hid them away from me, to never force myself to remember. This is a gift, not a curse, and I will enjoy today, not hate my past. My journals will always remain hidden among broken memory strands, forcifully forgotten. Im starting to think this man is here to help me, but i wonder why he remains hidden. Im going back to the store today, to wait.

Nice here, i think it sounds a bit too much like a sage or seer or something is saying it here, also, the part about the man helping you or whatever, is kind of...bland, you know? i think you could have done something more with that.
--Reality--

Sitting there for hours, occasionally going back in for a pack, was excruciating. I kept thinking, what if this was just a coincidence, what if i was just there, and the signs were meant for any passers-by. Eventually i smoked my last Turkish Jade, sucking in that cool menthol, and I walked into the store to buy a new pack.
Hmmm...are you going for a mature outlook here, or are you trying to act like a teenage/young adult? because if it is the latter, you shouldn't be using language like "excruciating", but thats just me. The part about the signs is pretty good.

"Camel, Turkish Jades" I said to the elderly lady.

"I.D. please"

I took out my wallet looking down to pull out my I.D.

"You're killing yourself boy" a mean scratchy voice yelled.
After this i guess i was kind of expectant, made me wonder what was next.

I stared down, scared to look up. Finally retaining the courage, I glanced, and there he was. Except, different. He made me feel scared inside, like i was doing something wrong, and he was going to punish me for it. I ran, it was all i could think to do, run. All the way home I ran.
Good part here, i liked it, the part about it bewing him "but different" was a good touch, it gives a kind of vague image that you have to think about to get, the part about the punishment gives it kind of a sinister look too.


--The Journal--

June 9th, 1998 7:38 p.m.

It's time to read all my old journals.



Nice job, mostly here, ive read your other pieces but didnt really crit it, the only problem is really that these all dont really seem to connect...

Could you check out mine? its the first one in my sig...well, both, but i doubt you have the time for both.
thx
#4
hey mike i really liked it. maybe not as good as part 2 i think but still excellent its some how vague but leaves little to the imagination. and if you were trying to be the teenager/young adult you would use "excruciating" because you are trying to make yourself seem older and more intelligent.
there are doors that open
there are doors that dont

A recent study shows that 8% of teenagers listen to nothing but music with guitars in it. Put this in your sig if you're one of the 92% who aren't close-minded morons.
#5
oh yeah could you have a look and leave yor thoughts on mine they're called education and flling to pieces. ta
there are doors that open
there are doors that dont

A recent study shows that 8% of teenagers listen to nothing but music with guitars in it. Put this in your sig if you're one of the 92% who aren't close-minded morons.
#7
Wow, i really liked this, i havent read parts 1-3 (i think), ill look now. This oddly had a backwards effect, instead of making me want to read on, it made me wanna read what came before. Obviously becouse i havent read the past ones. But this is really good. Great writing.
From what i get you met a guy at the store to help you but he hides or you havent seen him again... Im guessing you talked about this before. Ill take a look at the other ones now.
One quick thing i wanna crit (or ask, or point out, i dont know): the last paragraph in the reality, the one where you run... the first lines: "I stared down, scared to look up." and then you quickly say you got the courage to look up at the dude... ok, i feel its a little too fast, like i was scared, then i finally looked up, then i ran. Maybe if you made the words i quoted longer, gave me a little more time to understand, and then say you got the courage to look up. I dont know, maybe you think its ot too fast. Thats it, but i feel even with that, its brilliant.

You won the writer of the month right? deserve it... congrats on that

Can you crit back? I have links in sig. My latest is the poem.
#8
No ret hes not mentally inept, no flower for algernon scheme. And dont worry, everything does connect in the end. I was unsure about it when i wrote it ( it turned out a lil different then i thought) but the two people ive shown said it worked pretty good. Thanks amplifysilence. You really wont know whats going on until you read the other ones :P Its pretty much crucial.
#9
remember when I said that the build up to the ending was excellent? well this is the part I meant. Its just good writing all around, accesible as well. You have something here that you didnt have in the other pieces of the story, this is damn good prose, the rest was kinda just there... so uh, ya, I would just post the end all together, not in two parts, it will be too spread out I think, theres no real reason to do it, except for the pure joy in making some people squirm... so if your into that kinda stuff alright, I'm not one to judge.

o, and if you ever wanna repay me for that long ass crit I gave you: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=410014
#10
I love this. I read all the parts of it and this one is my favourite. I'm guessing it's the end? It sure as hell sounds like a perfect ending. I agree with Dylan, that last line is bone-chillingly awesome.

Sorry I can't write more on this... I find it hard to make suggestions for such personal pieces such as journal/diary entries. This is awesome anyhowszz. Good job
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#13
uh Alice, I was kinda saying that I absalutely hate that line and that its too straightforward, sure you build to it a tid bit but you either need to a. allude to it throughout the rest of the 'series' or b. make it a tid bit more abstract, just reword it please. Sorry I tricked you Alice, I didnt mean it

Edit: fine Mike fine, people seem to love the line, so I guess keep it if it makes the populace happy, just know I will always hate it
Last edited by #1 synth at Aug 10, 2006,