#1
Um, here's a song I just wrote, I have no fucking clue what it means, but it just came out like it did, dunno why. I think it may be some metaphor, but I'll have to think about it. Maybe its best left without a definate meaning. So here we go:
-----------------------
Acid Rain

Chorus
Acid rain
It drives you insane
Acid rain
It screws with your brain
Man, sometime I dunno, I just think I'm deranged
Acid rain
Acid rain

Verse 1
So it drips from the sky
And into my mouth
It seeps into my eyes
And in through my skin
It crawling within
My mind
And it makes me feel so
Blind
My brain can't see
My eyes- maybe
But probably not
Since my vision's shot
All I see is dots
Drip-drop
Drip-drop

Chorus

Verse 2
My senses are numb
My voice box is dumb
Infected with acid rain
Which I damn with disdain
My body feels pain
But I fail to realize it
I want this to end
But this rain don't abide it
My ego wants to set hell loose
But my concious just hides it
And if my mind is clear as glass
This rain will surely smite it

Chorus

Verse 3
Drip-drop
When will it stop?
Tick-tock
Hands on the clock
See the rain and those hands?
Its me that they mock
Damn you, you clock
Who doth chime like a bell
Once every hour
To make my life hell
The ringing , the stinging
This awful rain pinging
No flowers, no singing
No beautiful thing
And the rain, while I damn you
You keep me alive
Because your brutality
Is on which I thrive.

Chorus-out
------------

Crit for crit!!!
#2
you dont know what it means? funny. its really good, metaphorical rap, thats awesome. my kind of rap. yeah awsome job. what beat do you have in mind?
#3
Quote by AmplifySilence
you dont know what it means? funny. its really good, metaphorical rap, thats awesome. my kind of rap. yeah awsome job. what beat do you have in mind?

I dunno, I'll have to talk to maddd0g to see if he wants to make some more for me (he's been making electronic music, so I kind of "hired" him as a "DJ", he's very good) and we'll discuss it.

What do you think it means?
#4
Quote by MastaBassist10
I dunno, I'll have to talk to maddd0g to see if he wants to make some more for me (he's been making electronic music, so I kind of "hired" him as a "DJ", he's very good) and we'll discuss it.

What do you think it means?


no guess you sit down and figure it out... funny its kinda how i wrote As the River, didnt know what it meant, but i do now, cause i read it over and im like oh this is what i meant

so ur using electronic music, i really like this band in spanish that does electronic, but they sing (Moenia), i dont know about rap, ill have to hear it.

oh i wrote a poem... i dont think its ur style of songwriting but take a look if u want.
#5
wow, daniel. this song is heavy on the mind. it could be about acid rain.....or not. i think it's up to whatever you personally want to think. good jorb, homestar.
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#6
Quote by AmplifySilence
no guess you sit down and figure it out... funny its kinda how i wrote As the River, didnt know what it meant, but i do now, cause i read it over and im like oh this is what i meant

so ur using electronic music, i really like this band in spanish that does electronic, but they sing (Moenia), i dont know about rap, ill have to hear it.

oh i wrote a poem... i dont think its ur style of songwriting but take a look if u want.

When I say "electronic", I mean regular hip-hop beats. He makes electronica, so naturally, he's good at Fruity Loops, which an electronic music making program. So he just applies his skills to beat making, a viola, a hip-hop beat! I think I'm gonna leave this osng open to interpretation, kind of like Stairway to Heaven.
#8
hey man, i would do a line by line crit as usual but i can sum this up easily here.

METAPHOR

the use of it is great.


Dont wanna seem selfish but can you check out both my pieces? if not can you see to the first one?
thx

PS- sorry for the crappy crit, ill do better next time.
#10
Acid rain
It drives you insane
Acid rain
It screws with your brain
Man, sometime I dunno, I just think I'm deranged
Acid rain
Acid rain
not bad . fits nicely

So it drips from the sky
And into my mouth
It seeps into my eyes
And in through my skin
It crawling within
My mind
And it makes me feel so
Blind
My brain can't see
My eyes- maybe
But probably not
Since my vision's shot
All I see is dots
Drip-drop
Drip-drop
i think this verse is just decent . nothing special

My senses are numb
My voice box is dumb
Infected with acid rain
Which I damn with disdain
My body feels pain
But I fail to realize it
I want this to end
But this rain don't abide it
My ego wants to set hell loose
But my concious just hides it
And if my mind is clear as glass
This rain will surely smite it
the rap starts to get stronger here . more meaning . very good verse

Drip-drop
When will it stop?
Tick-tock
Hands on the clock
See the rain and those hands?
Its me that they mock
Damn you, you clock
Who doth chime like a bell
Once every hour
To make my life hell
The ringing , the stinging
This awful rain pinging
No flowers, no singing
No beautiful thing
And the rain, while I damn you
You keep me alive
Because your brutality
Is on which I thrive
this was my favorite part of the rap . you seemed to start off kinda weak but got better toward the end . and this verse is amazing . nice job

if you get a chance could u crit my song . this ghost will always be around . thanks bro
#11
hey ill do a full crit but like tomorrow, cause right now i got a headache and i cant think right... so ill just say dumb things. but you just got one so you can wait till tomorrow right?
#12
I thought about pressure/anxiety when I read it. As for the beat, I think you should check two songs. Yomo - Yomo Dele and Noreaga - Super Thug. Since your rap is made up of short lines you need to be fast pace for your rhyme to be fully appreciated. At least that's what I think. It's your decision and your style.
And I know what you mean, I used to write rap verses, and have a bunch of them just lying around not knowing what it means or what I'm going to do with them.
Anyways it was really good.
#13
I see your back with another fantastic rap. How the hell do you keep doing this. Anyways, once again your song flows perfectly from start to finish. I thought it was very original as well. I really liked the third verse. Good job, keep it up. BTW, sicne your name is MastaBassist10, do you play bass? And can you rap and play bass at the same time. I'm just curious.

Crit mine please

Happily Ever After
#15
Quote by themarsvolta
I see your back with another fantastic rap. How the hell do you keep doing this. Anyways, once again your song flows perfectly from start to finish. I thought it was very original as well. I really liked the third verse. Good job, keep it up. BTW, sicne your name is MastaBassist10, do you play bass? And can you rap and play bass at the same time. I'm just curious.

Crit mine please

Happily Ever After

Psh, I can't rap and play at the same time. I need to move my hands when I rap, to the beat, so you know, it doesn't work. Yeah, I'll go check that out.
#16
pretty good song, it seems to flow well and nothing about it bothered me. the chorus was pretty simple, but there's nothing wrong with that. im sure it sounds a lot better when it is actually rapped out loud than when i read it lol. good work mate.

unluCKY...
from daylight...
...into darkness
#17
Quote by maddd0g
The entire rap was about teletubbies and cheesecake.

10/10.

Yes, I think so, it probably was about teletubbies and cheesecake. Anyways guys, keep the crits coming, thanks a bunch!
#18
We don't see alot of raps here. Reminds me of Linkin Park (sorry if that's not a compliment, I assure you I mean it to be one). Pretty impressive, strong flow, catchy lyrics. 8.5/10
#19
Quote by Powerhouse
We don't see alot of raps here. Reminds me of Linkin Park (sorry if that's not a compliment, I assure you I mean it to be one). Pretty impressive, strong flow, catchy lyrics. 8.5/10

Sorry, but curiosity begs, what do you mean by that? I'm not mad, just wondering...
#20
Well, I can just picture Mike Shinoda rapping it over a heavy, downtuned, one or two chord guitar riff.
#21
^Hmmm... I was thinkin more like a strong hip-hop beat with a Major 7th/minor chord arpeggiated over it, maybe with rain sounds. I'll take it into consideration. Thanks for clearing that up for me.
#22
you know i like Linkin Park, and Mike's Fort Minor. aint nothing wrong with sounding like them, yeah theyre angry, but they got they're soft songs... anyways, youre beat sounds like it'd be good with the rain sounds and all that...
#23
metaphors r really cool cuz they make u think and that's what i'm doing right now just reading this. YAEEYUHHHH!
#24
this is really good! i don't really like rap, because of all the 'pimp' type people that completely wreck everything, but old-school-hip-hop stuff is pretty good, i just like a lot of that stuff, cuz its has a bit more of a punk/anarchic feel to the lyrics, not how its played or sung, but that lyrics themselves.

Mind looking at mine?

OBEY, Black Sunday Morn(ing), Systematical (malfunction),ahh......oh, and Disconnected from Society
#28
Pretty sweet, pretty gal dern cool. a lot of times when stuff just comes out and turns into a song, it's crap, (as in Nutty Az A Fruitcake) but this is overly cool. We're still waiting for you to make a funny rap, but it'll be worth the wait I hope.
#32
Quote by WOODnotes
Pretty sweet, pretty gal dern cool. a lot of times when stuff just comes out and turns into a song, it's crap, (as in Nutty Az A Fruitcake) but this is overly cool. We're still waiting for you to make a funny rap, but it'll be worth the wait I hope.

Funny rap? Hmmmm... If it comes to me, I'll write one, but so far, nothing....
#33
As said, I like it alot! You have some clever lines in there but perhaps the lines in the first verse are a bit too short. It rocks though!!
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#36
I agree with everything pollins had to say... the first verse isn't really anything special, but it gets stronger as it goes on. It seems to flow good for the most part in my mind (adding a couple filler words, of course.. not a big deal at all though), and I think it comes off good for the most part. Once again, not your best work IMO, but I'd pick it over any of the stuff MTV tries to force on everyone anyday... keep up the keepin up.
#38
Good job, I like this better than your other stuff, and your other stuff was already good. Great job Daniel.