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#1
i just wrote this song and its basically a bunch of old writings that i fitted together.....i know it needs to be edited but i decided to post it anyways....i'll crit for crit.....


Seven Years


ive ended everything ive ever felt
and cut loose all those ties
dont want to be connected to you
looking away from all your lies


it must be hard for you to fake anymore
im so ****ing sick and tired of this ****
and then you set me up, what was this for?
the gasoline is down and about to be lit


(chorus)
Its been seven long years that ive been waiting
for you to call my name
Its been seven long years that ive been hating
how you left me in pain


the pistol reversed in my hand
i cant take it, the jekyll and the hyde
take me to the promise land
is the grass greener on the otherside?

(chorus)
Its been seven long years that ive been waiting
for you to call my name
Its been seven long years that ive been hating
how you left me in pain

Oh, its been seven long long yearss.....

EDIT: the edit was that the line used to be "this isnt how i had it planned"
EDIT 2: ive taking out the first two lines that were spoken.....everday i live with this pain, thats slowly making me insane.....
EDIT 3: i changed the second verse around a bit
My Gear:
Washburn Lyon Tele Copy
ESP LTD MH250NT
Samick D7-CE :
Digitech Death Metal Pedal
Dunlop Jimi Hendrix Wah
Peavy Renown Solo Series Amp
Last edited by mitch155 at Jan 1, 2007,
#3
thanks...ill crit yours....
My Gear:
Washburn Lyon Tele Copy
ESP LTD MH250NT
Samick D7-CE :
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Dunlop Jimi Hendrix Wah
Peavy Renown Solo Series Amp
#4
this will probly end up being an acoustic or soft eletric song in the end...
My Gear:
Washburn Lyon Tele Copy
ESP LTD MH250NT
Samick D7-CE :
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Dunlop Jimi Hendrix Wah
Peavy Renown Solo Series Amp
#5
well i like it man, i thought its pretty cool... is the whole thing spoken softly until chorus or just the first lines?

can you take a look at my newest one, the poem, in my sig
#6
just the first to lines would be spoken softly....im thinking if i can get this recorded, have something playing the background, (ex. phone call, off the hook ringing, or soemthing to that effect) and have those to lines spoken softly over it...
My Gear:
Washburn Lyon Tele Copy
ESP LTD MH250NT
Samick D7-CE :
Digitech Death Metal Pedal
Dunlop Jimi Hendrix Wah
Peavy Renown Solo Series Amp
#8
this ****ing great! i really like the gasoline part...hehe...pyros...no-jk, but you do have some really good lines in there. one thing, i like the last verse, but it throws it off just slightly, i think one more verse would balence it and make it really really good.
#9
Hey I appreciate the crit.
Like mentioned before, the gasoline line is a great one. Nothing much to say but i do have one suggestion. If this is going to be a soft song, I think you should edit the Sh*t. I have nothing against cursing in songs, in fact, I'm for it. But it sounds forced. The verse would sound better without it. But good job bro.
#10
thanks...i though about taking it out...but i still got to edit the song..thanks alot though
My Gear:
Washburn Lyon Tele Copy
ESP LTD MH250NT
Samick D7-CE :
Digitech Death Metal Pedal
Dunlop Jimi Hendrix Wah
Peavy Renown Solo Series Amp
#11
the pistol reversed in my hand
i cant take it, the jekyll and the hyde - Loved this bit, I could actually see what was happening.Good job!
Crit my piece 'Dakota Never Lies' if you like
#12
thanks alot....i crited your peice and i have to say i really like it...
My Gear:
Washburn Lyon Tele Copy
ESP LTD MH250NT
Samick D7-CE :
Digitech Death Metal Pedal
Dunlop Jimi Hendrix Wah
Peavy Renown Solo Series Amp
#14
I can't really say much else, because other people have said it, overall it was quite good, especially the 3rd verse.

What sort of genre was it aimed at? Don't get offended but I imagined it to a Yellowcard song, then I looked at your profile and saw you liked Pantera and Metallica
.Brand New.Bright Eyes.This Will Destroy You.

THRRRRRRRREADKILLER!
#15
IT IS AMAZING!...lol, no rlly, sounds gr8, i love the 3rd verse n the chorus n the whole song actually, the best of the best, u r amazing!
#16
Quote by Cpt.Jackass
I can't really say much else, because other people have said it, overall it was quite good, especially the 3rd verse.

What sort of genre was it aimed at? Don't get offended but I imagined it to a Yellowcard song, then I looked at your profile and saw you liked Pantera and Metallica


not offended at all, i listen to so many diferent bands, and types of music, and i think that has helped me be versatile when writing....but thanks alot for the comment
My Gear:
Washburn Lyon Tele Copy
ESP LTD MH250NT
Samick D7-CE :
Digitech Death Metal Pedal
Dunlop Jimi Hendrix Wah
Peavy Renown Solo Series Amp
#17
^hey mate whats up? anyway...im doing this crit for you, can you check out my other piece? the one you havent seen yet?thx


(Spoken softly)
"everday i live with this pain
thats slowly making me insane"
I kind of picture this as an opening to the song, which it obviously is, but kind of like, not sung, but actually whispered before like a soft guitar comes in.


ive ended everything ive ever felt
ive cut loose all the ties
i dont want to be connected to you
looking away from all these lies
Kind of a cliche idea, almost like that one song that mark hoppus wrote about tom delonge or whatever. It does have good flow though.


you dont have to fake anymore
im sick and tired of this ****
you set me up, what was this for?
the gasoline is down and, ready to be lit.
You can almost feel the frustration and confusion in this line, usually i dont like swearing in songs, but i think that it emphasizes the feeling well here.


(chorus)
Its been seven long years that ive been waiting
for you to call my name
Its been seven long years that ive been hating
how you left me in pain
Nice chorus, still a little cliche in the idea. But a good thing here.


the pistol reversed in my hand
i cant take it, the jekyll and the hyde
this wasnt the way i had it planned
is the grass greener on the otherside?
Contemplating suicide now? the reference to jekyll and hyde was good here.
Its been seven long years that ive been hating...


Overall pretty good, some of the ideas in this are a little cliche, but i think you pulled it off.
Last edited by AAA_the_band at Aug 9, 2006,
#18
thanks alot ill get to criting your song now...
My Gear:
Washburn Lyon Tele Copy
ESP LTD MH250NT
Samick D7-CE :
Digitech Death Metal Pedal
Dunlop Jimi Hendrix Wah
Peavy Renown Solo Series Amp
#20
its good...other criters pretty much sumed it up...and by criters i mean people that critted your song..not small rodents...anyways...

the title needs to change seeing as it is already the name a a very popular saosin song....

but other than that...good work...
crit my rhymes?:

Lets Get Drunk and Fuck.

Subtle Arrogance

Do you realize, that i can clearly see your clitoris through your jeans?

Quote by Shaepwnsyou
They're very religious, so they have butt sex to save their virginity.
#21
Overall its a tad cliche, but I still think it works out pretty well. Just change the title, its already a really good song by the band "Saosin".
#22
yeh, i realized that, but for now ill keep it that....
My Gear:
Washburn Lyon Tele Copy
ESP LTD MH250NT
Samick D7-CE :
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#23
its not like im gunna become famous...
My Gear:
Washburn Lyon Tele Copy
ESP LTD MH250NT
Samick D7-CE :
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Dunlop Jimi Hendrix Wah
Peavy Renown Solo Series Amp
#24
i liked this. like everyone else, i liked the line about the gasoline ready to be lit. usually i dont care much for explicitives in songs, but i think it works here. good job.
#25
thanks...
My Gear:
Washburn Lyon Tele Copy
ESP LTD MH250NT
Samick D7-CE :
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Dunlop Jimi Hendrix Wah
Peavy Renown Solo Series Amp
#26
"seven years"
thats the title of a song by Saosin. its actually an osm song u shood listen 2 it.

anyways..

"the pistol reversed in my hand
i cant take it, the jekyll and the hyde
this wasnt the way i had it planned
is the grass greener on the otherside?"

I think this was best, it really cought my attention, and the part about the jekyll and hyde.
i can hear this as a softer song

=) osm stuff.
#27
Quote by mitch155
just the first to lines would be spoken softly....im thinking if i can get this recorded, have something playing the background, (ex. phone call, off the hook ringing, or soemthing to that effect) and have those to lines spoken softly over it...


that'd be cool, man, do you have it now? leave a link for me to check it out

hey i started this wierd thing, its like a story, you said youll crit 4 crit, so its in sig under The Other Side, thanx, man
#28
I really like this song. It's got a nice flow and the lyrical idea is nice. Great rhyme scheme. Thanks for critting my latest, and good job.
Quote by Keef-is-king
Seinfeld: The Video Game

It'd be a game about nothing. But it would be fantastic, better than the Sims by far because there would be more jews.
#29
thanks alot guys!
My Gear:
Washburn Lyon Tele Copy
ESP LTD MH250NT
Samick D7-CE :
Digitech Death Metal Pedal
Dunlop Jimi Hendrix Wah
Peavy Renown Solo Series Amp
#30
this was actually really good dood, I especially liked this part:
"ive ended everything ive ever felt
ive cut loose all the ties
i dont want to be connected to you
looking away from all these lies"

very relateble, very cool lol, you'll have to hit me up if you get this recorded, I'd love to hear it man. the first rhyme is a little forced though so you myght wanna chek that out, but besided that its gr8 haha. if you have the time: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=410014
#31
thanks alot....and yeh, i still have some editing to do....and ive crited your peice...great work...
My Gear:
Washburn Lyon Tele Copy
ESP LTD MH250NT
Samick D7-CE :
Digitech Death Metal Pedal
Dunlop Jimi Hendrix Wah
Peavy Renown Solo Series Amp
#32
i edited one line in the song....
My Gear:
Washburn Lyon Tele Copy
ESP LTD MH250NT
Samick D7-CE :
Digitech Death Metal Pedal
Dunlop Jimi Hendrix Wah
Peavy Renown Solo Series Amp
#33
Great lyrics, great imagery....'the gasoline is down, ready to be lit.' i dont really understand that part and to me it doesnt seem to fit...thats rly all i dont like about this song
#34
I really like this version of it... it's written solidly...

the pistol reversed in my hand
i cant take it, the jekyll and the hyde
take me to the promise land
is the grass greener on the otherside?

I love the first line, the second one is good.. but I think it might be better if you removed the "i can't take it" and put in a different word.. and the rest of it finishes nicely as well.
Overall I think it's pretty darn good... keep up the good work..
#35
thanks alot guys...
My Gear:
Washburn Lyon Tele Copy
ESP LTD MH250NT
Samick D7-CE :
Digitech Death Metal Pedal
Dunlop Jimi Hendrix Wah
Peavy Renown Solo Series Amp
#36
im trying to find another beggining to the line "i cant take it, the jekyll and the hyde" ...i want to get rid of the i cant take it....not sure what to put yet though
My Gear:
Washburn Lyon Tele Copy
ESP LTD MH250NT
Samick D7-CE :
Digitech Death Metal Pedal
Dunlop Jimi Hendrix Wah
Peavy Renown Solo Series Amp
#37
I like it
......and I think you should definitely use that line "this isnt how i had it planned"
......work something out,I think it's great line for the final verse
.....i'm gonna capture a gideon
#38
thanks, im still not sure about "this isnt how i had it planned" because it seems kinda forced...but thanks for your input....i plan on spending some time on it soon...
My Gear:
Washburn Lyon Tele Copy
ESP LTD MH250NT
Samick D7-CE :
Digitech Death Metal Pedal
Dunlop Jimi Hendrix Wah
Peavy Renown Solo Series Amp
#39
Brilliant!!! A song my thick mind understands :p . But seriously, excellent song, it's all easy to visualise and great lyrics. Another verse would really help balance it out though
#40
thanks alot, yeh, im gunna work on adding another verse...
My Gear:
Washburn Lyon Tele Copy
ESP LTD MH250NT
Samick D7-CE :
Digitech Death Metal Pedal
Dunlop Jimi Hendrix Wah
Peavy Renown Solo Series Amp
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