#1
Hey guys i have been putting my bands music up for critiquing in the other froum so i thought i would get some feed back for your lyrics as well.


This one is called "3 Years" and it pretty much sums up our band experience over the time we have been together. come to think of it all of our songs are kinda about that haha.


well any way here it is, in depth crits would be awsome, but fell free just to give short comments too, and crit 4 crit.

3 years
3 years ago, a spark marked the begining,
of a fire that would burn eternally.
Just as our fire burns as bright as ever
we fall into this unforgiving sea

{Chourus}

And if i jump off, will there be, somone to catch me
Or will i fall into a sea, with none to support me
will i give it all to see, a blackhole beneath me
will it be all it can be
or just a grave yard beneath me.

there you have it, it's quite short because the rest of the song is consumed with music breakdowns and than one final chourus. if you would like to hear the lyrics with the music go to http://myspace.com/alesserevil

i will post another one of our songs tommorw seeing as how we are only allowed to do one a day
Old king cole was a merry old soul, a merry old soul was he.
He called for his pipe, and he called for his bowl( ****ing stoner)
and he called information for numbers he could have easily looked up in the phone book.
#2
bump
Old king cole was a merry old soul, a merry old soul was he.
He called for his pipe, and he called for his bowl( ****ing stoner)
and he called information for numbers he could have easily looked up in the phone book.
#3
3 years ago, a spark marked the begining,
of a fire that would burn eternally.
Just as our fire burns as bright as ever
we fall into this unforgiving sea


I think that part contains a lot of cliches and will stop people from taking the song seriously.

And I don't understand the chorus 100%, but I think it's better though.
#4
First off, delete that bump before the mods see this and close it

Ok, this ain't too bad, like Magenta said, the first verse is very cliche, and it felt very forced, even if it wasn't. I can kind of see what the chorus is saying - if you fall, your bandmates with catch you- but it just doesn't work. It could very easily be misinterpreted and confuse the reader/listener. Go back and edit that, and see what you can do with the verse.

Also, could you please crit my song, "Acid Rain", here's the link: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=409822 Thanks!!
#5
as everyone else has said, it seems very cliche.....what kind of band are you......my guess would be screamo or hardcore becasue you said there will be a breakdown in the song....so it might not be to bad....seems a little forced but im sure it'll rock...if you have time an you wouldnt mind...could you crit one of my songs...the newest one is called 7 years...
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