#1
This is definently not my best work probably because it is very emotional and I didnt wanna affect that by using words other than my own. Now im just looking to improve it so I am definently open for suggestions! Critique for Critique!!!
Here is the original

The Ashes of Poetry
You thought that it was just the dust,
That was blown off of the ashes from,
Embers that sat ignited, in my backyard
Your eyes coincide in apathy,
The tears your crying quietly,
Im a fool for foolish things,
But Im not a fool for everything

You thought that you were just the clouds,
That brought the rain down to the ground,
With whispers as tears, rolling, down your cheek,
But you're beautiful to say the least,

Look at this reflection in the water,
Wash the dust from your eyes, so u can see,
The words I say to you are always faltered,
But I am ready to say what I beleive,
You're beautiful to say the least,
You're beautiful to say the least,

Asthetic ash from poetry,
I set fire to its identity
'cause a blue-inked pen could never give me warmth

Look at this reflection in the water,
Wash the dust from your eyes, so u can see,
The words I say to you are always faltered,
But I am ready to say what I beleive,
You're beautiful to say the least,
You're beautiful to say the least,

The thunder struck and the storm rolled in,
The fire blew out, lit the match again,
The poetry is toxic to the flame,
But your smiles guides me through the rain,

And the dust was washed away
My Gear:
Fender American Deluxe Stratocaster
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Schecter Omen 6
Dean Performer Acoustic

Last edited by WlCmToTheJungle at Aug 10, 2006,
#2
37 and no critiques again? it is critique for critique
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Fender Blues Deluxe Reissue
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Dean Performer Acoustic

#3
This is definently not my best work probably because it is very emotional and I didnt wanna affect that by using words other than my own. Now im just looking to improve it so I am definently open for suggestions! Critique for Critique!!!

Here is the original

The Ashes of Poetry

You thought that it was just the dust,
That was blown off of the ashes from,
Embers that sat ignited, in my backyard
Your eyes coincide in apathy,
The tears your crying quietly,
Im a fool for foolish things,
But Im not a fool for everything
Last two lines are awesome, but the word backyard just doesnt give enough depth and emotion to it, i personally think you should change it.

You thought that you were just the clouds,
That brought the rain down to the ground,
With whispers as tears, rolling, down you cheek,
But your beautiful to say the least,
Nice line here, but the "you're beautiful" part is kind of cliche.


Look at this reflection in the water,
Wash the dust from your eyes, so u can see,
The words I say to you are always faltered,
But I am ready to say what I beleive,
Your beautiful to say the least,
Your beautiful to say the least,
NICE line, nothing wrong here.

Asthetic ash from poetry,
I set fire to it's identity
'cause a blue-inked pen could never give me warmth
GREAT EMOTION HERE, nice relation to writing.,

Look at this reflection in the water,
Wash the dust from your eyes, so u can see,
The words I say to you are always faltered,
But I am ready to say what I beleive,
Your beautiful to say the least,
Your beautiful to say the least,

The thunder struck and the storm rolled in,
The fire blew out, lit the match again,
The poetry is toxic to the flame,
But your smiles guides me through the rain,
Good emotion and flow here, maybe the best line in the thing.

And the dust was washed away


Overall mate, i saw a few cliches that maybe are used a bit too much, but it is an emotional piece, so i personally dont like screwing around too much with those.


Can you check out mine? preferably both in the sig, but if you can only get one, then the first link not second.
thx
#4
AAA, i critiqued ur first one ill try to get to ur second one tonight, as for the whole beautiful thing, yea its cliche, yea its overused, but yea im still gonna use it, that is pretty much the whole idea of the song. It seems like after that goddamn James Blunt song, its more cliche than it used to be. Im not really sure what I can put instead of backyard so if u have a suggestion, im open. Im thinking of adding 3 more lines to the "asthetic ash from poetry..." one but I also dont know what else i can add. keep the critiques coming, its critique for critique, ill try to get to a lot of peoples tonight though
My Gear:
Fender American Deluxe Stratocaster
Epiphone Sheraton II
Fender Blues Deluxe Reissue
Teese RMC Picture Wah
MXR Carbon Copy
Keeley Modded TS9
Korg Pitchblack
Schecter Omen 6
Dean Performer Acoustic

#6
You thought that it was just the dust,
That was blown off of the ashes from,
Embers that sat ignited, in my backyard
Your eyes coincide in apathy,
The tears your crying quietly,
Im a fool for foolish things,
But Im not a fool for everything
i think backyard actually works fine here just cause it gived the song a more personal feel

You thought that you were just the clouds,
That brought the rain down to the ground,
With whispers as tears, rolling, down you cheek,
But your beautiful to say the least,
very nice verse . good job

Look at this reflection in the water,
Wash the dust from your eyes, so u can see,
The words I say to you are always faltered,
But I am ready to say what I beleive,
Your beautiful to say the least,
Your beautiful to say the least,
the 3rd and 4th lines are my favorite . awesome

Asthetic ash from poetry,
I set fire to it's identity
'cause a blue-inked pen could never give me warmth
ties in very well

The thunder struck and the storm rolled in,
The fire blew out, lit the match again,
The poetry is toxic to the flame,
But your smiles guides me through the rain,
i think you should change lit to light . sounds better

And the dust was washed away


nice job . i really liked it . barely anything wrong with it . if u get a chance could u crit my piece. this ghost will always be around . thanks bro
#8
ok i just critiqued all three of yours, anyone else?
My Gear:
Fender American Deluxe Stratocaster
Epiphone Sheraton II
Fender Blues Deluxe Reissue
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Schecter Omen 6
Dean Performer Acoustic

#9
Well im not good at doing full crits but, i really appreciate the way you crit-ed mine so ill try to crit yours.
This is definently not my best work probably because it is very emotional and I didnt wanna affect that by using words other than my own. Now im just looking to improve it so I am definently open for suggestions! Critique for Critique!!!
Here is the original

The Ashes of Poetry
You thought that it was just the dust,
That was blown off of the ashes from,
Embers that sat ignited, in my backyard
Your eyes coincide in apathy,
The tears your crying quietly,
Im a fool for foolish things,
But Im not a fool for everything
I didnt really like this part, i felt like it didnt fit with the song

You thought that you were just the clouds,
That brought the rain down to the ground,
With whispers as tears, rolling, down you cheek,
But your beautiful to say the least,
this verse came up nicely, i like how it kinda rhymes

Look at this reflection in the water,
Wash the dust from your eyes, so u can see,
The words I say to you are always faltered,
But I am ready to say what I beleive,
Your beautiful to say the least,
Your beautiful to say the least,
This has some strong emotional lines i really liked it

Asthetic ash from poetry,
I set fire to it's identity
'cause a blue-inked pen could never give me warmth
I didnt get this, i dont know if im missing something but, i think this doesnt fit

Look at this reflection in the water,
Wash the dust from your eyes, so u can see,
The words I say to you are always faltered,
But I am ready to say what I beleive,
Your beautiful to say the least,
Your beautiful to say the least,
This has some strong emotional lines i really liked it

The thunder struck and the storm rolled in,
The fire blew out, lit the match again,
The poetry is toxic to the flame,
But your smiles guides me through the rain,
I really like the last line, you did a nice work on this verse, it came out nicely

And the dust was washed away

nice ending! overall, i think this is a great song you did a really nice job.
#10
anyone? i know i crited a few people
My Gear:
Fender American Deluxe Stratocaster
Epiphone Sheraton II
Fender Blues Deluxe Reissue
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MXR Carbon Copy
Keeley Modded TS9
Korg Pitchblack
Schecter Omen 6
Dean Performer Acoustic

#11

You thought that it was just the dust,
That was blown off of the ashes from,
Embers that sat ignited, in my backyard
Your eyes coincide in apathy,
The tears your crying quietly,
Im a fool for foolish things,
But Im not a fool for everything

I don't like the way "off of" sounds; it is wayy too colloquial for my liking in this piece lol. The title suggests a deeply poetic connection, but the phrase "off of" does not correspond with this. Also at the end of the first and second lines you don't need a comma as they are run-on lines. I like the way this opening stanza sounds; the rhythm and rhyming work well and your words have good imagery.good opening.

You thought that you were just the clouds,
That brought the rain down to the ground,
With whispers as tears, rolling, down you cheek,
But your beautiful to say the least,

third line, you mean "your cheek" not "you cheek"
fourth line "you're" not "your".
this is well-written, but it is cliched. I've heard this before. I don't mean to be harsh, it's just when I read this, I should be feeling some kind of emotion to do with love, because that was your intention when you wrote this. I don't feel that. I don't really feel anything when I read this, because it's kinda unoriginal. I like the idea and I know exactly what you're trying to do, but it's not worked so well. Don't get me wrong though, it's good and well-structured, jsut needs some work on it.

Look at this reflection in the water,
Wash the dust from your eyes, so u can see,
The words I say to you are always faltered,
But I am ready to say what I beleive,
Your beautiful to say the least,
Your beautiful to say the least,

I like the line "wash the dust from your eyes"-- much better than a simple "wipe the tears..." etc etc. Nice twist there.
Again it's "you're beautiful" not "your"
This is slightly less cliched than the previous stanza, but still needs some work IMO

Asthetic ash from poetry,
I set fire to it's identity
'cause a blue-inked pen could never give me warmth

This is lovely. Sounds perfect.

Look at this reflection in the water,
Wash the dust from your eyes, so u can see,
The words I say to you are always faltered,
But I am ready to say what I beleive,
Your beautiful to say the least,
Your beautiful to say the least,

After the previous stanza I jsut read, this seems to be a bit more emotional, but still I would suggest working on it a bit.

The thunder struck and the storm rolled in,
The fire blew out, lit the match again,
The poetry is toxic to the flame,
But your smiles guides me through the rain,

And the dust was washed away

This is amazing. I really like this ending. The imagery you have sustained very well throughout and pays off well at the end.

This is a good piece, although in places I feel could do with a slight bit of work. Good job
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#12
i dont wanna crit that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
it is full of feelings, yea right, emotional....
i lov it
#13
thanks alice, ...and sveta heh
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Fender American Deluxe Stratocaster
Epiphone Sheraton II
Fender Blues Deluxe Reissue
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MXR Carbon Copy
Keeley Modded TS9
Korg Pitchblack
Schecter Omen 6
Dean Performer Acoustic

#14
I'm sure I'll get flamed for saying this and admittedly it's not entirely constructive, but this consists entirely of sappy, recycled cliché: poor pathetic fallacy about thunder and rain, 'quiet tears', clearing your eyes 'so you can see'. It sounds like every emo song I've ever heard; the only thing missing is a reference to 'darkness'.
Also, please learn to use grammar properly: it's "you're beautiful" as in "you are beautiful", not "your beautiful" and something's identity is "its identity", not "it's identity".
#15
hey, thanks for being honest dude, i actually appreciate that critique. I didnt intend to be emo but if thats what u think it is, than so be it. Yea theres a story behind it if you look at my original draft so i was just telling a story. It was kinda saying I dont need poetry to remember you, kinda thing. Thanks man, at least you said what you thought, however, I disagree with you.
My Gear:
Fender American Deluxe Stratocaster
Epiphone Sheraton II
Fender Blues Deluxe Reissue
Teese RMC Picture Wah
MXR Carbon Copy
Keeley Modded TS9
Korg Pitchblack
Schecter Omen 6
Dean Performer Acoustic

Last edited by WlCmToTheJungle at Aug 10, 2006,
#16
I am so glad that you responded coherently and politely - not something you get on here very often, glad you appreciate it.
#17
Well personally i dont care for the people that dont say what they feel, you know give someone a critique that just says like " This is amazing! Critique mine?" I also hate the people that freak out when someone tells them what they honestly feel
My Gear:
Fender American Deluxe Stratocaster
Epiphone Sheraton II
Fender Blues Deluxe Reissue
Teese RMC Picture Wah
MXR Carbon Copy
Keeley Modded TS9
Korg Pitchblack
Schecter Omen 6
Dean Performer Acoustic