#1
Edit: intro taken out for apparently it disclosed too much of my intentions. I'll give 7 props for whoever can decipher the hidden meaning (aside from the obvious theme of a revolutionist spirit) Also, please tell me if you care for the style at all. c4c as always. Leave a link

Camp Hymn 1: The Victorian Fright


?101 bottles of shade on the wall
101 bottles of shade
Take one down
Pass it around
100 bottles of shade on the wall??

A song, a single web of choral notes looses
The mist of an offbeat bonfire
Onto my already smoldering jeweled toes and bare feet,
While we stain
The night with melting folklore and noise,
Setting blaze to the cloud chandeliers seemingly
Breaking out of the sound, floating weightless in the heavens, and
Shining just out of the meadow?s aching arms.

?100 bottles of shade on the wall
100 bottles of shade
Take one down
Pass it around
99 bottles of shade on the wall??

And suddenly those great lights in the unyielding sky weep,
The unbounded dark space and synthetic steel seep
Our shadows, onto the wicker wheat rug where we move
In our own little waltz borne with the dying red sun,
Scorning the field in an off-key hum, shaped
By our forefathers drunk on their own Armageddon.
And we refrain a little pillar of burning guilt-ridden protest
That somehow
Brightens the eerie gray rustles of grain:

?99 bottles of shade on the wall
99 bottles of shade
When one of these bottles is thrown in the flame??

Revelation?s fauns are borne;
The meadows essence is torn;
Revolution burns a reborn bright;
In the half-burning and charred ritual night.

?98 bottles of flame on the ground
98 bottles of flame
Take one down
Pass it around
97 bottles of flame on the ground??


Last edited by #1 synth at Aug 8, 2006,
#2
i really like the idea of rewriting something like a camp song,
the lyrics are amazing.
"Music is religion for me. There'll be music in the hereafter, too." - Jimi Hendrix
#4
this is the first in my series of rewritten camp songs that I will post detailing the thoughts of individual boyscouts in their quest for truth and meaning to existence. The first boy's name is Revolution, hope you enjoy his tale. O, and all of these is set aound a campfire, that is the setting. If anyone has any problems with deciphering anything (its pretty straight forward methinks, probably the most accesible piece I've posted in an age.) just ask me or pm me or somethin.

Camp Hymn 1: The Victorian Fright


?101 bottles of shade on the wall
101 bottles of shade
Take one down
Pass it around
100 bottles of shade on the wall??
Weee...cant really say anything here, except that whats up with the 101 bottles...makes it sound kind of choppy.

A song, a single web of choral notes looses
The mist of an offbeat bonfire
Onto my already smoldering jeweled toes and bare feet,
While we stain
The night with melting folklore and noise,
Setting blaze to the cloud chandeliers seemingly
Breaking out of the sound, floating weightless in the heavens, and
Shining just out of the meadow?s aching arms.
Nice use of imagery and the use of words like smoldering and aching give it some good emtotion. The description of the song was very good as well.

?100 bottles of shade on the wall
100 bottles of shade
Take one down
Pass it around
99 bottles of shade on the wall??

And suddenly those great lights in the unyielding sky weep,
The unbounded dark space and synthetic steel seep
Our shadows, onto the wicker wheat rug where we move
In our own little waltz borne with the dying red sun,
Scorning the field in an off-key hum, shaped
By our forefathers drunk on their own Armageddon.
And we refrain a little pillar of burning guilt-ridden protest
That somehow
Brightens the eerie gray rustles of grain:
Hmm...this line made me feel really...i dunno weird. The only thing here is the reference to stars in the first line. I just think that stars are a little cliche, but youve put it somewhat originally so it works.

?99 bottles of shade on the wall
99 bottles of shade
When one of these bottles is thrown in the flame??

Revelation?s fauns are borne;
The meadows essence is torn;
Revolution burns a reborn bright;
In the half-burning and charred ritual night.
Good line here, has a kind of chanty flow, if you know what i mean. The use of the word "reborn" makes it a little awkward because you used the word "borne" in the first line, but thats just me.

?98 bottles of flame on the ground
98 bottles of flame
Take one down
Pass it around
97 bottles of flame on the ground??





Nice job overall.

Mind checking out my piece? its the first link in my sig if you can. And the second one, but i doubt you have the time.
thx
#6
hey, i really like that idea, really cool, man, great writing on it too, AAA_the_band took care of mostly everithing, so ill just say i liked it

hey man, crit back? newest one is the poem in my sig
#7
k, I would just like to say that AAA barely even scratched the surface on both the meaning and symbolism in the piece (not that it wasnt a good crit, it was) so i dont think its right to cop out of a crit like that, but yes, i will take a look at your piece.
#8
Ah yes another great peice from Dylan, cant wait!

Camp Hymn 1: The Victorian Fright


?101 bottles of shade on the wall
101 bottles of shade
Take one down
Pass it around
100 bottles of shade on the wall??

You took a pretty unoriginal song and made it original. It was still very odd though. I didn't really understand it maybe ill get it as the song progesses. But yea, pretty cool idea. Not much to say considering it already is a song.


A song, a single web of choral notes looses
The mist of an offbeat bonfire
Onto my already smoldering jeweled toes and bare feet,
While we stain
The night with melting folklore and noise,
Setting blaze to the cloud chandeliers seemingly
Breaking out of the sound, floating weightless in the heavens, and
Shining just out of the meadow?s aching arms.

Amazing imaginary here! great just great. I cant really see this in a song simply because of the flow but its excellent as a poem. Im starting to like the style of writing you portray here, kind of different yet very imaginitive and metaphorical. It required a lot of though to take all of this in, it was very complex, and I still cant see the meaning behind it......great, i like songs that I have to think about. I love the "cloud chandeleirs" line, very imaginitve. Great stanza, i cant say much else

And suddenly those great lights in the unyielding sky weep,
The unbounded dark space and synthetic steel seep
Our shadows, onto the wicker wheat rug where we move
In our own little waltz borne with the dying red sun,
Scorning the field in an off-key hum, shaped
By our forefathers drunk on their own Armageddon.
And we refrain a little pillar of burning guilt-ridden protest
That somehow
Brightens the eerie gray rustles of grain:

And suddenly those great lights in the unyielding sky weep,
The unbounded dark space and synthetic steel seep
I loved that line, it had a great rhyme in it. This stanza i especially liked. Again, the imaginary you portray is amazing. The armageddon line was great, I wouldnt of thought to use something like that, actually, i would have never of thought to use anything like this in a song. Its definently original and VERY creative.


?99 bottles of shade on the wall
99 bottles of shade
When one of these bottles is thrown in the flame??

Again, this is a little " what the **** is he talk about " but its cool nonetheless

Revelation?s fauns are borne;
The meadows essence is torn;
Revolution burns a reborn bright;
In the half-burning and charred ritual night.

LOVED the rhyming. It really tied it all together for some reason. You didnt rhyme much before and now all of sudden you start to, very cool. The flow wasnt the best though, maybe its the way Im reading it but it seems like the 2nd line should be longer. Maybe thats how you wanted it to be? I dunno but its another great stanza

?98 bottles of flame on the ground
98 bottles of flame
Take one down
Pass it around
97 bottles of flame on the ground

Great song, just great I dont know how you thought of all this stuff and considering that you wrote your last song just like a day ago. I don't know how ya do it, it would take me a week to write that and it probably wouldnt even be as good. Tell me if this is a poem or a song though, im interested, i made the 2nd draft of Ashes of Poetry so take a look at it https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=409979
My Gear:
Fender American Deluxe Stratocaster
Epiphone Sheraton II
Fender Blues Deluxe Reissue
Teese RMC Picture Wah
MXR Carbon Copy
Keeley Modded TS9
Korg Pitchblack
Schecter Omen 6
Dean Performer Acoustic

#10
i really like this....the style is very refreshing....the last verse is awesome, the rhyming is great....the whole song flows together so nicely....anyways, if you get the chance take a look at my new song called seven years in my sig...thanks...
My Gear:
Washburn Lyon Tele Copy
ESP LTD MH250NT
Samick D7-CE :
Digitech Death Metal Pedal
Dunlop Jimi Hendrix Wah
Peavy Renown Solo Series Amp
#11
much <3 to you all, i honestly didnt know how this would be accepted, like seriously, go look back at what I wrote before my trip and compare it to this, I'm not saying either is better persay, but my style has changed dramatically, I dunno if its positive or negative...

Anyway, this is a poem, when i post a song you'll know and I write alot of stuff, I try to get a completed piece every day or two, and though its mostly crap some of it is good. Sometimes I just experiment with projects and stuff though, and thats what this is, a project, there is at least 2 more installments, weirder though so that should be fun to see what you guys think about them.

again,

Edit: I'm exhausted so I cant get to anyones crit tonight, but I will tommorow
#12
?101 bottles of shade on the wall
101 bottles of shade
Take one down
Pass it around
100 bottles of shade on the wall??

I like the way you have taken a classic song (hey, 100 green bottles is classic to me ) and reworked it for your own needs. That's really cool. I'm still undecided however how I feel about the "bottles of shade". In one sense I don't think it's right because like... a bottle of shade? um like wtf? haha. But then I'm like "ooh abstract".
So to sum up: I don't know!
ain't that awesome.

aand moving on...

A song, a single web of choral notes looses
The mist of an offbeat bonfire
Onto my already smoldering jeweled toes and bare feet,
While we stain
The night with melting folklore and noise,
Setting blaze to the cloud chandeliers seemingly
Breaking out of the sound, floating weightless in the heavens, and
Shining just out of the meadow?s aching arms.

Goddamn this is a long stanza. Right.
After "a song" in the first line, I would use either a colon or semicolon, instead of a comma.
"Looses" is not a word (as far as I know) I think you mean either "loses" o "loosens" ?
"The mist of an offbeat bonfire" OMG I LOVE IT. Haha no seriously. That's insane ("insane" meaning like "awesome" in this sense, I'm not implying you're mental )
"smoldering jeweled toes" is fantastic imagery BUT... I can't even say it lol. That is such a tongue twister. Honestly, when I try and say it it just sounds forced because it takes so much conentration to say that phrase haha.
In the next line... I'm not so keen on the way you cut it off after just 3 words, sometimes having lines like this works and sometimes it's doesn't. here I feel it doesn't really work. It sounds kind of awkward and jerky. =/

The rest is awesome. I'm not going to carry on my line-by-line analysis of this stanza because it'd be like "omg this rocks" "omg it rocks more" omg awesome" etc etc you get the picture

?100 bottles of shade on the wall
100 bottles of shade
Take one down
Pass it around
99 bottles of shade on the wall??

nice repitition, althoughhhh tbh, i don't get why you started with 101 in the first stanza and not 100?

(btw still not decided about the "bottle of shade")

And suddenly those great lights in the unyielding sky weep,
The unbounded dark space and synthetic steel seep
Our shadows, onto the wicker wheat rug where we move
In our own little waltz borne with the dying red sun,
Scorning the field in an off-key hum, shaped
By our forefathers drunk on their own Armageddon.
And we refrain a little pillar of burning guilt-ridden protest
That somehow
Brightens the eerie gray rustles of grain:

Looove it. Especially "By our forefathers drunk on their own Armageddon."
hehe awesome.

?99 bottles of shade on the wall
99 bottles of shade
When one of these bottles is thrown in the flame??

Nicely done. Good subtle rhyming too. Good stuff.

Revelation?s fauns are borne;
The meadows essence is torn;
Revolution burns a reborn bright;
In the half-burning and charred ritual night.

"borne" do you mean "born"? or are you going all ye olde englishe on us?
Also then... in the 3rd line you say "reborn" which IMO sounds kinda bad with the "born" in the first line. I would change one of them IMO.
Also... in the last line you say "burning" but in the 3rd you say "burns". Sometimes internal repitition can work and sometimes it cannot. here I feel it doens't quite pull it off very effectively
Cool ideasss though =)

?98 bottles of flame on the ground
98 bottles of flame
Take one down
Pass it around
97 bottles of flame on the ground??

Love it. Lovely little twist here at the end.





hehe

good stuff! I like it.
Quote by Kensai
Maybe you've heard what the ladies say: "Once you go 77mm you don't go back"
#14
Synthy/Doyle/Dylan, you have become such a kickass writer. Even if you're a pretentious bastard.

I now have one request: Don't put at the beginning of every piece "If you can guess the meaning blah blah blah blah blah". It makes you come off as insincere and cocky, which we both know, by your writing, you are not. Who cares that the meaning is subtle? People will think for themselves without that, and that's what you want. You want genuine interpretation, not just what they're trying to impress you with.

And since I went into how to present yourself, I'll leave you with only that your style has become the most creative one on here, and I love it.
#15
haha, ok James, I'll stop posting that cocky statement at the beggining of every piece. However, there was reason to why I did it. It seems that without that little hook to readers all they do is solely look at the flow and stupid spelling mistakes and I really want people to look beyond that into the real content of the piece and I really dont know how to do it otherwise...

That aside, your praise means more than almost anyone on the board so