#1
something from holiday, leave me a link please and i'll reply

oh, and a cookie to whoever can guess the meaning


A cartoonist's attack

Lichtenstein hung on the wall like an exhibitionist's dream. I closed my eyes and saw it better than ever, it seemed. The room around me grew dark and no lights came on. It was an emptying feat... not quite done.

I stood on a cross and was transfixed by the noise. His silent flow of english shouted at me. Beads hung downwards; beads of what? Sweat? Lavender? More like gunpowder. I'd emptied the showroom and the echo was louder. I opened my eyes and fell flat on my back. He came down to meet me in a cartoonist's attack.
Quote by Kensai
Maybe you've heard what the ladies say: "Once you go 77mm you don't go back"
#2
that sucks, i really wanted the cookie... oh well, good poem, thats cool sweat? levander? gun powder. i liked this one.

i have a question for you,(for my own knowledge) would you call this a poem? if not what is it? and if so, what kind? thanx, i dont know too much about poetry...

and the link is in my sig
#3
Quote by jallas
something from holiday, leave me a link please and i'll reply

oh, and a cookie to whoever can guess the meaning


A cartoonist's attack

Lichtenstein hung on the wall like an exhibitionist's dream. I clsoed my eyes and saw it better than ever, it seemed. The room around me grew dark and no lights came on. It was an emptying feat... not quite done.
Nothing bad with this line, but the "better than ever, it seemed" kind of seems like the last part was put there to rhyme.

I stood on a cross and was transfixed by the noise. His silent flow of english shouted at me. Beads hung downwards; beads of what? Sweat? Lavender? More like gunpowder. I'd emptied the showroom and the echo was louder. I opened my eyes and fell flat on my back. He came down to meet me in a cartoonist's attack.
Fun line, gives good imagery, but is still really vague,so you need to imagine a bit.


I can think of two possible answers for the "whats this about".

1. hes a thief/robber that steals the artwork of some museum or...
2. He's imagining the picture talking to him and when he comes back to reality the picture falls?


mines the first link in my sig once you have time.

thx
#4
w00t Alice is back! hope you enjoyed your trip

Lichtenstein hung on the wall like an exhibitionist's dream. I clsoed my eyes and saw it better than ever, it seemed. The room around me grew dark and no lights came on. It was an emptying feat... not quite done.
correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe 'closed' is not spelled 'clsoed' Thus far, I believe it is a minor story of self-discorvery and revelation through appreciation of art and the past, Lichtenstein being a symbol for a modern and revolutionary art or thought process. Extremely good though, like very extremely.

I stood on a cross and was transfixed by the noise. His silent flow of english shouted at me. Beads hung downwards; beads of what? Sweat? Lavender? More like gunpowder. I'd emptied the showroom and the echo was louder. I opened my eyes and fell flat on my back. He came down to meet me in a cartoonist's attack.
hmm, lets see what I can piece together from my little analysis of the first paragraph. First off, you definitely use allusions to the past, as in the cross of christ and being put in front of a firing squad. I believe these allusions are analogies for that same self-discovery in the first paragraph. All of this is truly just stream of conciousness isnt it? as in the narrator is just doing this off the top of his/her head? if thats the case then he/she continues to question his beliefs and thoughts in contrast to those of modernism and the new ideas he has come across vicariously through art. Your rhyming is beautiful though, completely subtle. I think you may want to mask the last rhyme though, it seems a little cheapened by the fact its so obvious.


I loved it and though there is no way I got the meaning (especially if you were going for a much more concrete scenario) it was good reading your stuff again.



edit:if you dont mind: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=410014
#5
haha ok, well, my guess... as to the meaning...

I think its about how Lichtenstein speaks to you and how hard it hits you when you really look into his work.

His silent flow of english shouted at me.

that kinda reinforced that.

thats my guess... one thing that really urked me about it was the way you worded the end to the first stanza

It was an emptying feat... not quite done.

i really dont like that... sorry

if your returning My journals and Reality Part four in my sig. (though you may have to read the first 3 to know whats going on)

Glad to have you back

-Mike

EDIT: amplifysilence this is prose
#6
Quote by jallas


A cartoonist's attack

Lichtenstein hung on the wall like an exhibitionist's dream. I clsoed my eyes and saw it better than ever, it seemed. The room around me grew dark and no lights came on. It was an emptying feat... not quite done.

I stood on a cross and was transfixed by the noise. His silent flow of english shouted at me. Beads hung downwards; beads of what? Sweat? Lavender? More like gunpowder. I'd emptied the showroom and the echo was louder. I opened my eyes and fell flat on my back. He came down to meet me in a cartoonist's attack.


My guess is this is about someone shooting themselves in a gallery of paintings by Roy Lichtenstein, hence the cartoonist's attack (Lichtenstein did all those comic-book like paintings), and the last thing they see is a peice of his work.

Also the lyrics sound like the little comic-book like narratives that are so common in the paintings. Didn't notice that til after I posted.

It's a little liberal of an interpretation but it's possible. Don't keep us in suspense, tell us!

Oh and if I'm right, here's my own work (it's one of my first, don't be TOO harsh! ):
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=410226
Takamine EG531SSC - "Kim"
Fender Mexican Stratocaster - "Jessica"
-Texas Special Pickups
Crate Palomino v16 Class A Tube Amp

Well it's floodin down in Texas
#7
A cartoonist's attack

Lichtenstein hung on the wall like an exhibitionist's dream.
I closed my eyes and saw it better than ever, it seemed.

Very cool, I liked it a lot. Since it is a poem, it has a good flow. It could be a little better cause it just seems like after "ever" the thought is ended, i didnt see the point of adding "it seemed" just for the sake of rhyming. Maybe it is just me but I would take it out. I liked the idea though, especially as the first two lines of a poem, it really draws the reader in. I also liked the way that you made it simple.

The room around me grew dark and no lights came on.
It was an emptying feat... not quite done.

I actually didnt really like this, it seems too.....forced? maybe. It just seems like you wanted to add another rhyme here when you didnt really need to. I also dont like the way you worded this. I dunno, again, it could be just me

I stood on a cross and was transfixed by the noise.
His silent flow of english shouted at me.

That 2nd line was fantastic. Very simple yet a good use of metaphor when you said his "silent flow". Very nice. I liked these lines there is really not much more I can say, so I wont make up stuff just for the sake of giving you a long critique.

Beads hung downwards; beads of what? Sweat? Lavender?
More like gunpowder.
I'd emptied the showroom and the echo was louder.

Loved it, now it seems like a more direct poem like you are kinda talking to the reader. I actually liked the rhyme you used here, this is the kind of rhyming I like, the kind of rhyming that doesnt seem forced and rhyming you dont see every day. But yea, great lines I have nothing else to say

I opened my eyes and fell flat on my back.
He came down to meet me in a cartoonist's attack.

Great way to end it, just great. This really draws the reader out and is a perfect way to end it. Also a nice rhyme here. The only thing that I would change, and I am being very nitpicky here but I would change " He came down " it just seems like that could be so much more powerful. Good song! can u critique mine?https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=409979
My Gear:
Fender American Deluxe Stratocaster
Epiphone Sheraton II
Fender Blues Deluxe Reissue
Teese RMC Picture Wah
MXR Carbon Copy
Keeley Modded TS9
Korg Pitchblack
Schecter Omen 6
Dean Performer Acoustic

Last edited by WlCmToTheJungle at Aug 8, 2006,
#8
thanks a lot guys! Dylan- haha that was a typo, thanks lol, I'm a terrible typer and anything like "just" is always "jsut", similarly with "close" haha

you guys all have great interpretations of this piece, and each in their own way can be taken as your meaning of it. When it comes down to it, when I wrote it I had somethnig else in mind, which ties in most strongly with Trig's analysis of the love for Lichtenstein. What I like though is that each of you pretty much have suggested something different. That means this piece is complete to me If it can make 5 or 6 different people feel and think about it in a different way, I'm happy. It's what I intended to do
Quote by Kensai
Maybe you've heard what the ladies say: "Once you go 77mm you don't go back"
#9
wow, thats alot of , sry, it just rather impressed me

And I always wondered when you came online, cause I'm normally asleep when you come... your kinda like santa! Basically, everymoring I just come downstairs and say 'my o my, look what jolly ol' Alice left in my stocking this morning'

That aside, its great to have you back and I actually really missed your writing, the prose you write is, put bluntly, a breath of fresh air compared with most of whats posted here (my stuff included) and I was starting to miss it. Hope your book is going along swimmingly, may I have a signed copy when your done (wow, I just used alot... )

{Note to self: dont abuse smilies ... damn}
Last edited by #1 synth at Aug 9, 2006,
#10
Haha i abuse smilies WAY too much. It used to be so bad. It got to the point where I was once writing a letter to my grandma (like a real letter with paper and stuff not an email) and I wrote (as in like : and a D) and I was like "... ****... she don't know what that means" and then i nearly wrote "lol"

ahem



ANYHOW

I'm returning crits now. NOW!

oh and actually on topic, thanks very much Dylan! I've never been compared to santa before haha you're too sweet <3
Quote by Kensai
Maybe you've heard what the ladies say: "Once you go 77mm you don't go back"
#11
I'm probably not be able to go into as much detail as Trig and synth did, but I'll have a look and see.

Quote by jallas

Lichtenstein hung on the wall like an exhibitionist's dream. I closed my eyes and saw it better than ever, it seemed. The room around me grew dark and no lights came on. It was an emptying feat... not quite done.

This doesn seem to be a person who is stealing paintings, or at least the idea of stealing an idea. Only one artist I can think of with that name (if that is indeed an artist's name) is Roy Lichtenstein who I believed used other people's ideas for his own work.

I stood on a cross and was transfixed by the noise. His silent flow of english shouted at me. Beads hung downwards; beads of what? Sweat? Lavender? More like gunpowder. I'd emptied the showroom and the echo was louder. I opened my eyes and fell flat on my back. He came down to meet me in a cartoonist's attack.

Hmm, I don't really know. Perhaps you are using something to get a better look at the painting and realise how good the painting is, and this delays your stealing of the picture. Now with the gunpowder, it looks as if you were chased by someone, and shot in the back as you were looking at the painting. Therefore you fall on the back, and the painting comes down on top of you.


There you go, my interpretation of things. I'm sure synth and Trig are both a lot closer than I am but meh.

I see you're returning crits. I'll give you a choice Either the one in my sig or the one I'll be posting tomorrow. I'll leave that up to you.

EDIT: The one in the sig
Last edited by Dæmönika at Aug 10, 2006,
#14
Thanks for all the comments, I think I got to all crits, please yell at me if I missed yours

Daemonika- I'll wait for the new one you are going to put up, if I by chance miss it send me the link or something
Quote by Kensai
Maybe you've heard what the ladies say: "Once you go 77mm you don't go back"