#1
Theres A Monster Under My Bed

V1
He's so small, fragile, and quiet,
With a kiss goodnight, his mother dims the light.
For tonight, he's set, but knows he's going to be
[Going to be the fallen in the fight again.]
Hes alone in the crowded room,
But somethings breaking.

V2
In the shadows of destroyed nightime light,
The begining to his tale of fear was spun.
There was no more fun, there were no more games,
Games like casting shadows on the wall and counting stars one by one.
Stars burnt out on him, and the shadows that were once so familliar to cast,
Were lost in the dark and gone in the rise of the sun.

CHORUS
I fear that I'm just a name
Played as the victim
Whose called out in your game
Your hopeless, your a perfect cliche,
Your game's nothing more than an overused mistake.
[I'll sit and wait, take the shots
And lie awake, my body in knots]
[How to stop this..]

[Ignorance is bliss.]

BRIDGE
Hiding under his covers, hearing it [scream
He knows its coming, this feels just like a dream]
All he can do is wait for something like this to wash over,
Throw it all out to see it all crash like the waves.
As it grabs ahold, its like suffocating under sand,
Why cant someone just make this ****ing end,
But this is where he'll stop, leaving this scene to late,
His damage unrepaired, the boy'll lay awake for hours,
Swept of his breath, his fear reaches to the highest towers
It will pull him in tighter, closer, deeper into the nights small hours,
who is he to say [judge what hes became]
For now its over..... tommorow he'll be to [weak, ][weak]

CHORUS

V3
its coming back, give him 3 yrs and hes [through]
Because between them both theres a bond that wont hold out for to long
If only the boy could [speak out] [scream out,]
"[Why do you do this?]
[Why cant you see?]
You're the monster hiding under my bed."
But who is going to hear?
So for now,
He's falling back into repeat,
it will start all [over] [over] [over] again
not all storybooks have ends.
Last edited by takes2tokill at Aug 11, 2006,
#3
i like the idea, but you rhyme way to much.....and the rhyming seems really forced at some points.....keep working with this idea though.....anyways will you crit one of my songs?
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#5
Quote by takes2tokill
This isnt really done, im still working on it, crits?


V1
So small and fragile, he's tucked in tight.
With a kiss goodnight, his mother turns out the light.
In the dim of night, he's set afright,
Alone in the dark he can sense somethings not right.
Hmmm pretty good here, but the "eit" lines get a little old, ounds like a nursery rhyme like Good Night Moon or something lol. Also at the end i think it should be something is not, not somethings not.

V2
It was long ago when this begun,
Due to the destroyer of nighttime fun.
There were no more games, so his tale of fear was spun.
Games like shadow hands and counting stars one by one,
Were lost in the dark and gone in the rise of the sun.
not begun, began. This is pretty vauge, i dont really know what the hell your saying here, but i guess thats a good thing. If you wanna to be vague.

CHORUS
I fear that I'm just a name
Played as the victim
Whose called out in your game
Your hopeless, your a perfect cliche,
Your game's nothing more than an overused mistake.
Hmmm...dont know here, i can see your kind of calling out on the cliche of death and darkness, but it still sounds a bit like a nursery rhyme.

BRIDGE
Hiding under his covers, he hears its low growl,
He knows its coming, and can smell its breath so fowl.
From under his bed comes the monsters cold rough hands,
He grabs ahold, its like suffocating under sand,
But this is where he'll stop and leave the boy scared,
Leaving the boy afraid, his damage unrepaired.
The boy'll lay awake for hours, so scared that he cant even run,
For now the monsters done, he'll leave him there for tomorrow nights fun.
So. a monsters playing a game with a child so hell be scared of the dark. The only thing i really get out of this is maybe your personifying darkness and fear of the unknown.

CHORUS

V3
The monster will be back, tomorrow and beyond,
Because between them theres an unbreakable bond.
If only the boy could speak to the monster, see why he does this,
But the monster will never hear, so fo now, ignorance is bliss.
Pretty good here, nothing special though.

CHORUS


Hmmm, nice imagery and flow. The idea is a little cliche, but youve projected it as something a child fears, which is fairly original. I cant shake the feeling that this is some slightly freaky nursery rhyme, almost a child version of Enter Sandman though, if thats what you want,cool, but if not...


I dont know if youve checked it out already, but if you havent, can you see to my new piece, the first link in my sig.
thx
#6
The flow is crap but the song is aw3some. put it to some music that'll help the flow and it'll be way cool. the end. we're done. thats all.
love, WOODnotes
#7
ok well this is actually a metaphore for abuse, the child is a metaphore for sum1 whose abused, the monster is the person abusing the child, his hands etc.. are physical abuse, laying awake scared is the mental abuse, and so on... etc.
and i dont listen to metallica so im not really familiar with "enter sandman"...
neways if it sounds like a nursury rhyme i guess i have alot to do.

i'll crit the ppl who crit'd me l8r, i g2g right now. so i'll get to it eventually
#9
Wow i like this its telling a story i love songs that tell stories instaed of ones that have no point. This stands for something else ryte? Another meaning i guess but yep i like it.
If you don't like me for who i am
then don't like me for who i am...
but all your gonna get is who i am.
#11
ok me and my frend COMPLETLY changed this and its no where NEAR done.. so.. a little help?