#1
CRIT FOR CRIT!

I've never in my life tried to write poetry using a specific style, but I am so fascinated by pantoums that I tried to write one, I'm not sure if I like it, or if it's any good, but here it is.. completely unedited..


You're the night that sets the sun,
Calling out my name
Into this bitter suite undone,
My shadow brings the fortuned shame.

Calling out my name,
As a light house to a boat,
My shadow brings the fortuned shame
When ecstacy stops afloat.

As a light house to a boat,
To the dark goes the noturn,
When ecstacy stops afloat,
When I shall never return.

To the dark goes the nocturn,
Into this bitter suite undone,
When I shall never return,
You're the night that sets the sun.


Please, constructive criticism only.

In a pantoum, you take the second and fourth line in the first stanza, and they become the first and third line of the next, you repeat this until the last stanza, where the third line of the first stanza becomes the second line in the last stanza.. and the first line in the first stanza becomes the last..
Member #4 of the punctuation police, pm alex_haeni to join.
#2
...honestly....I DO LIKE IT!...rlly, its gr8, u know am not super in poetry n stuff but that thang sounds really cool, n da style is interestin....but i wonder why dont u give it a title or somethin????....n 1 question....is it like a dedication 2 some1??? =D =)
......thnxxx 4 a nice poem
#3
Quote by inafantasy
CRIT FOR CRIT!

I've never in my life tried to write poetry using a specific style, but I am so fascinated by pantoums that I tried to write one, I'm not sure if I like it, or if it's any good, but here it is.. completely unedited..


You're the night that sets the sun,
Calling out my name
Into this bitter suite undone,
My shadow brings the fortuned shame.
Hmmm...an apology? its a good line, slightly vague, and has emtion.

Calling out my name,
As a light house to a boat,
My shadow brings the fortuned shame
When ecstacy stops afloat.
Nice verse here, the lighthouse is very original.

As a light house to a boat,
To the dark goes the noturn,
When ecstacy stops afloat,
When I shall never return.
Nice here, not much to say.

To the dark goes the nocturn,
Into this bitter suite undone,
When I shall never return,
You're the night that sets the sun.
Same here, just plain good.


Please, constructive criticism only.

In a pantoum, you take the second and fourth line in the first stanza, and they become the first and third line of the next, you repeat this until the last stanza, where the third line of the first stanza becomes the second line in the last stanza.. and the first line in the first stanza becomes the last..



Nice combonation of the lines into other lines, its interesting. Nice emotion and flow in it, is it like a dedication or something?

The link for mines in the sig, first link.
thx
#4
i really enjoyed reading this...not to sure about the light house to a boat line but the rest is really good...i think whe you edit this, its going to be an awesome poem...if you get the chance can you please crit 7 years..thanks alot...
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#6
Damn that is awesome. Ive never even heard of that format before. It was executed well for having such strict guidelines.
Originally Posted by guitar_freak333
I dont like death metal, I just see it as a bunch of hairy men playing the same riff over and over again exetremely fast.