#1
Well, i just finished writing my first song ever, it probably sucks but i dont think its that bad, it was my first attempt at rapping too.

Please crit it, i want to know if i should change something or something just didnt seem right.

This is my first attempt to write a song of any kind, so please dont be too harsh.



------------------------------------------------

we're living on a twisted world, theres noone to trust
the society is ****ed up, having money is a must
this world got a problem, cant trust noone these days
people will leave any minute and leave you trapped on a maze
and just when you think you can trust your life on your friends
you'll be fooling around then your friendship suddenly ends
sadly this is one of those problems without a solution
it simply cant be solved, its all pollution
thanks to our greed, peace these days doesnt exist
every day more problems keep adding to the list
so why do we even bother? one day we will die
everybody will leave, without saying goodbye
the only meaning in life is to reproduce and survive
but these days noone will care if youre dead or alive
the only thing that matters is how much money you got
they dont care if youre about to die on the spot
as long as you give them money they will remember you
but not for who you were but for how much money they got from you
Last edited by cubs at Aug 8, 2006,
#2
hey, this really good for your first time...actually its pretty good period...one thing though, the air pollution thing comes out almost commical, so unless thats what you want (idk) , you could take it out or change it. you could make it "Simply can't be solved, its all just pollution"
#4
Quote by cubs

Hey man, I suck at "full crits", but being a rapper, I thought I'd give you a "flow crit", where I will basically cross out words and/or add new one so it flows really well, as I hear it.
we're living on in a twisted world, and theres noone to trust
the society is fucked up, having money is a must
this world got a problem, cant trust noone these days
people will leave any minute and leave you trapped on a maze
and just when you think you can trust your life on your friends
you'll be fooling around then your friendship suddenly just ends
sadly this is one of those problems without a no solution
it simply cant be solved, its all pollution
thanks to our greed, peace these days doesnt don't exist
every day more problems keep adding to the list
so why do we even bother? one day we will die
everybody will leave, without saying goodbye
the only meaning in life is to reproduce and survive
but these days noone will cares if youre dead or alive
the only thing that matters is how much money you got
they dont care if youre about to die on the spot
as long as you give them money they will remember you
but not for who you were but for how much money they got from you


Alright, as for flow, its good, and I hope I helped make it even more so. But, I found a problem that I found with my first rap ("On Life"); Your ideas are there, but they are scattered and unorganised. Here's a tip: You know how when you write a paper, you seperate ideas into paragraphs, right? Well, in a song or poem, you need to seperate the ideas into verses or stanzas. Try writing a little more on each subject and serperatings them up, it'll sound so much better. Keep writing, though man.
#5
Quote by MastaBassist10
Alright, as for flow, its good, and I hope I helped make it even more so. But, I found a problem that I found with my first rap ("On Life"); Your ideas are there, but they are scattered and unorganised. Here's a tip: You know how when you write a paper, you seperate ideas into paragraphs, right? Well, in a song or poem, you need to seperate the ideas into verses or stanzas. Try writing a little more on each subject and serperatings them up, it'll sound so much better. Keep writing, though man.


Thanks man, i was planning on making another verse but, i just ran out of ideas, im planning on writing some more raps so youll be seeing another rap from me in some time.
Thanks for the tip man, ill do that on my next rap.
#10
pretty good. I like this. Make sure you listen to masta bassist, too. He knows what he's doing.

Crit 4 Crit
Last edited by WOODnotes at Aug 9, 2006,
#11
Quote by WOODnotes
pretty good. I like this. Make sure you listen to masta bassist, too. He knows what he's doing.

This nigga knows his stuff.
#13
I am gonna totally ignore the fact that its rap and just critique it like a rock song

we're living on a twisted world, theres noone to trust
the society is ****ed up, having money is a must
this world got a problem, cant trust noone these days
people will leave any minute and leave you trapped on a maze

Well to start the rhyming is a little forced. Even if you didnt intend for it to be it sounds like it is. Also definently don't repeat the trusting no one part, totally threw it out of whack. I also didnt like the people will leave any minute part, kinda out of the blue and not very well written. The flow was good though . Overall this was just ok, you can improve on this miles, but then again it is a rap song so im not gonna expect some #1 synth-esque metaphor and imaginary

and just when you think you can trust your life on your friends
you'll be fooling around then your friendship suddenly ends
sadly this is one of those problems without a solution
it simply cant be solved, its all pollution

Again, the rhyming is rather forced. The first and second lines aren't very good and I can't even really hear it in a rap song. The flow is descent but it doesnt exactly roll off the tongue. I would get rid of "simply" in the last line. This wasnt as good as the first "stanza"

thanks to our greed, peace these days doesnt exist
every day more problems keep adding to the list
so why do we even bother? one day we will die
everybody will leave, without saying goodbye

Rhyme is forced again. I would say "thanks to our greed, peace doesn't exist, everyd day more problems are adding to the list" flows much better I think. And I actually liked the last two lines! Very good writing, and the rhyme is good because of the context around it. Good job on that

the only meaning in life is to reproduce and survive
but these days noone will care if youre dead or alive
the only thing that matters is how much money you got
they dont care if youre about to die on the spot
as long as you give them money they will remember you
but not for who you were but for how much money they got from you

I actually liked every line in here. Good job, nothing I can say
Overall the song was okay. It wasnt great but yet it was absolutely horrible, eh its descent, its not solid though. It seems like you got better as you progressed though, re-examine this and see what you can do with it, and please look at my song

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