#1
We are the triggerhappy vengeance
We are the fusion of proficient and forceful
we are the impending storm
and it's all about to break

Is is plausible, can it even be conceieved?

we know what lies ahead
we know the path best taken
we know what we can't even fathom
although this is all we can do

Disciples of the impassionate embrace,
falling over ourselves to reunite the slanderers and spies
under the watchful eye of the matyr of the topic of the day
will we be the only ones to stop the travesty of the streets?
maybe it's for the best.

Regards from the Kingdom of Controversy, please watch your head

'Only the weak give up?' It's possible this assertion was recorded by our propaganda department.
Our Gods have fallen, trampled underfoot.
All that remains is the demons, and heaven knows they can't be trusted
So it's taken for granted that the clean-up is up to us


The heroic coward rides again.
Last edited by willtheworld at Aug 8, 2006,
#2
"Regards from the Kingdom of Controversy, please watch your head"

is rad.

I really dug the song man. Not a new topic really. But presented in a way that I really got the rhythm for and could feel the pace it set. Really fine work. Although it all went nicely, I think the first stanza was my favourite, simple with a fast rhythm. Nice dude.
#4
Oh my god, that's some of the best stuff here. It could be longer but it sounds amazing as it is. "Alas, it seems so" is the only part of the song I don't like. Just fix that up and it'll be perfect in my eyes. Great work and thanks for critting mine.
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#7
Thanks, Yeah it only took that long, I find if i let it stew too long, i lose the flow
#8
sounds really good, i agree with all the other people above me.....really great work...."Our Gods have fallen, trampled underfoot" for some reason i love this line...keep up the good work...
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#9
Great song really, its amazing that it only took you 15 minutes to write it, overall its a nice song. i think that these 2 lines just didnt fit, i feel like they should be changed a little bit, but maybe thats just me.
Quote by willtheworld

Regards from the Kingdom of Controversy, please watch your head

'Only the weak give up?' It's possible this assertion was recorded by our propaganda department.


keep up the good work
#10
Thanks, the regards...bit is a spoken line during a breakdown
the only the weak bit starts of as a whisper, and grows in volume. It's just a way to bring the next bit in a little different
#11
good job, i really liekd the opening verse. the "we are..." one, when i read it, it made me think of quiet, by the smashing pumpkins, when hes like we are the relics the fossils of our time. overall it was really good
#12
To be honest this isnt my style of writing I particulary enjoy but ill give it a shot anyway. eh, the the first stanza was good, it was solid, it wasnt amazing, nor horrible, but the last line of the stanza really got me going. It made the whole stanza a mile better. I liked the question after the stanza, very cool, it makes the reader want to know what your talking about, it makes me want to read on. gah, disciples, i never liked that word in song, it seems so overused. Im starting to see a loss of flow in the 3rd stanza. The syllable count is: 11, 16, 17, 16, 6. Not only that but you used "of" 3 times in the third line. Makes the flow go down the drain. The last line of the stanza was good though. I actually liked the last stanza. Nothing I can say. Overall the song was just OK. maybe a 5/10 but dont take my word for it, i never like this kind of peice

Thanks for critiquing mine mate
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#13
thanks for the crit. i would like it if more people could have a look at it. thanks.
#14
Hey, this is an excellent work here. I can't say anything against it really, good job.

The pantoum took me around an hour to write I think, I wasn't really paying attention, heh.

Member #4 of the punctuation police, pm alex_haeni to join.
#16
Disciples of the impassionate embrace,
falling over ourselves to reunite the slanderers and spies
under the watchful eye of the matyr of the topic of the day
will we be the only ones to stop the travesty of the streets?
maybe it's for the best.

This part really struck me, I honestly couldn't find a flaw.

As for the rest, it was written very well, and the length was excellent in my opinion, I couldn't see it any shorter or longer. And although this:

Regards from the Kingdom of Controversy, please watch your head

is a great line, it just seemed to break up the rythm for me.
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#17
I like the message you are employing and portraying here, and it's presented in a good style. It's often a cliched topic, no offence, but you don't portray it quite as such. Good job.
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#18
I thought this had really good flow to it and i like the words/wording used.
very nice.
=)
#20
As said earlier, its an often used topic. Its very good though, and well written. Very good vocabulary.
It's difficult to win unless you're bored.
#21
I critique like 80 grit sandpaper, sorry.

I actually think the flow and big words drag it down. It's a good song, but the diction is a little too 'look at my complex syntax' to be as effective and direct as it could (and should) be.

We are the triggerhappy vengeance
We are the fusion of proficient and forceful
we are the impending storm
and it's all about to break
^ Metaphors for being pissed off and willing to do something about it? The second one isn't my favorite, and the first is kind of weird. The last two lines friggin' rule though.

Is is plausible, can it even be conceieved?
^ No offense, but this just sounds like you're trying to use the word plausible. Concieved* (Not that you want a spelling lesson or anything) My gripe with this line is the diction. If I heard this on the radio I'd think you were pretentious for using two big choppy words to say 'Do you think this could happen?'

we know what lies ahead
we know the path best taken
we know what we can't even fathom
although this is all we can do
^ Kind of weak, compared to the rest. Nothing really sticks out.

Disciples of the impassionate embrace,
falling over ourselves to reunite the slanderers and spies
under the watchful eye of the matyr of the topic of the day
will we be the only ones to stop the travesty of the streets?
maybe it's for the best.
^ This stanza is way better diction wise. You're still using the big words stupid people need to look up, but they work a lot better than before in my opinion. I don't like the first line though. Impassionate embrace is kind of a weird phrasing.

Regards from the Kingdom of Controversy, please watch your head
^ I love this line. We're going to explode!

'Only the weak give up?' It's possible this assertion was recorded by our propaganda department.
Our Gods have fallen, trampled underfoot.
All that remains is the demons, and heaven knows they can't be trusted
So it's taken for granted that the clean-up is up to us
^ Wait so you're going to do something crazy to fix the world, now you're backing off? I don't get it. the first line reminds be of George Orwell. The middle lines are sweet.

The heroic coward rides again.
^ Again, I don't understand. It sounds sweet though. Nice play on words with coward.

Yeah I'm too stupid to really know what you're talking about but I got:
Something's screwed up in the world, you're going to react in anger. You're just going to let loose and even though you don't know exactly how to fix it, you're just going to go for it. The problem you're fighting is... lack of candor? Then a cool little warning how you're gunna get all chaotic, or some jazz. the next line is the confusing one that condones backing off like it's propaganda, then goes into the whole god/heroes were already overwelmed and now only insincerity is left. Then there's a cool ending about how you're a coward.

I think it's not accessible enough for the average reader, which probably isn't what you're going for. You want people to be able to understand what you're talking about or otherwise they're just a bunch of words that sound cool.

You're one of the better writer on here I think, but that wasn't very clear.
#22
Thanks!! that was a great crit. I have only just started righting anfd this is one of my first pieces. I would appreciate if you could check out my other piece in my sig as i think its alot easier to understand
#23
No prob dude, but Crit my little freewrite too. I'll crit your other one now.
#24
Hey, interesting thing you wrote over there, interesting technique of writing. I love the last verse the most...i dont want to repeat all over the same things as i mostly agree with the comments above, good job
P.S. thnx 4 the crit of ma poem
Last edited by Sveta at Aug 10, 2006,