#1
When thrown in an open field
like a walk on role in a film
and the sun tearing through the clouds
upon refusing to lend you shroud
You'll understand too
what it's been like after all these years
for me to forget about you

And if you've ever been
between sides of a war and they're closing in
falling through a trap door with a clock
ticking, ticking til it stops
You'll finally know
what it was like
for me not to go

But what you don't know
that after all these years
and after all these tears
falling to the floor with a drop
what you don't know
Is I'll always regret it
but never forget it


one of those late night writes that look better at 1 in the morn than right now. not actually about a girl, but a group of people

crit for crit most def
Quote by allislost
I would say that aetherspear speaks nothing but the truth.
UG Blues Group
UG Reggae & Dub Group
Need Professional Mixing for cheap? Need Vinyl to Digital Transfers? PM Me.
#2
^^critting as i type.
Stand by for it, meanwhile, can you check out mine? the first link in my sig. I'd say the 2nd too, but i cant be greedy lol.

When thrown in an open field
like a walk on role in a film
and the sun tearing through the clouds
upon refusing to lend you shroud
You'll understand too
what it's been like after all these years
for me to forget about you
Hmmm...dont know...sometimes the flow here is kind of disrupted. The word "shroud" too seems to be a bit forced, or maybe the syllables are off in that line. Good feeling, bad wording.

And if you've ever been
between sides of a war and they're closing in
falling through a trap door with a clock
ticking, ticking til it stops
You'll finally know
what it was like
for me not to go
Nice line here, but maybe change "ticking, ticking" to "ticking, tocking"

But what you don't know
that after all these years
and after all these tears
falling to the floor with a drop
what you don't know
Is I'll always regret it
but never forget it
Nice line here, good ring to it, good flow.

Final Statement: This subject is pretty cliche to say the least, but i think you describe it with enough things and use a colorful enough language to pull it off without me saying "god, that is really cliche". Yet, clocks and clouds and years are all overused in these kind of love songs. I know you said that its about a group, but I doubt anyone will guess that without you telling them that, so it kind of defeats the purpose. But overall, pretty good job.
Last edited by AAA_the_band at Aug 8, 2006,
#3
Yeah now that i look back on it i dont like it as much as i did before, but thanks alot for that extensive critique
Quote by allislost
I would say that aetherspear speaks nothing but the truth.
UG Blues Group
UG Reggae & Dub Group
Need Professional Mixing for cheap? Need Vinyl to Digital Transfers? PM Me.
#4
When thrown in an open field
like a walk on role in a film
and the sun tearing through the clouds
upon refusing to lend you shroud
You'll understand too
what it's been like after all these years
for me to forget about you
Yeah I can feel you here. Nice work.

And if you've ever been
between sides of a war and they're closing in
falling through a trap door with a clock
ticking, ticking til it stops
You'll finally know
what it was like
for me not to go
Awesome, I like this verse

But what you don't know
that after all these years
and after all these tears
falling to the floor with a drop
what you don't know
Is I'll always regret it
but never forget it
I don't like the after all these tears falling to the floor with a drop part, it just doesn't sound that great. The rest of it is good though.

Crit one of mine?
Quote by Keef-is-king
Seinfeld: The Video Game

It'd be a game about nothing. But it would be fantastic, better than the Sims by far because there would be more jews.