#1
Started writting this yesterday, so it might still be rough around the edges. Tell me what you think. crit for crit.

Before Eternity's Lost

-Verse I-
Discount it, but it?s a game we play
A lesson confused for deceit
You can?t expect a bit of hope,
A kind word from bitter folks
Will you just lay here in defeat?
Or join me to seize the day

For our every other word left unsaid
Time has changed, my thoughts stay the same
And you?re anxious to move ahead
To evade an imaginary pain

CHORUS
I?ll keep on smiling as the day goes by
Even if no one ever questions why
When will we sing a new song?
You can sing it ?till there?s no song left
By then, if I?m already gone
I?ll scream with you ?till the whole world?s deaf

-Verse II-
Feet are wet, you?ve seen everything
Dear, our time to leave has arrived
The door man is here for our bags
Smile, there?s no reason to be sad
In the end you?ll realize you?re still alive
And this was only stardust and dreams

Remember it?s a different scene
Faint reminder of who you are
Unlike your ideas and routines
Slowly erasing your scars

[Chorus]

[Bridge]
Maybe I?m not what you need
But I?m the comfort you seek
The theory you?ll believe
You can?t live behind a glass
You can?t live behind a glass
Oh no,
No you can?t

[Chorus]
#2
really like this song.....I?ll scream with you ?till the whole world?s deaf...that is an awesome line....i really like the song....seems a little hard to flow, but i just read it, so you might have the flow with the music that you have for it.....i like it though.....ps...if you like could you please crit one of my songs....preferably seven years...
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#3
This whole song's awesome...I honestly can't see anything wrong with it dude. Good work, I love it.
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#4
I love the chorus of this. Really good writing. You used really great vocabulary in this. Easily one of the best pieces on this. Awesome!
#5
This is a style of writing that I particulary enjoy but ill try to critique it. I didnt think the first verse flowed real well, the syllables count is good but it just doesnt flow play and deceit just run together real well. The next stanza was pretty good, very catchy. Wow! the Ill scream with you till the whole world is deaf. That is a great line! Great chorus aswell. I didnt like the 2nd verse at all for some reason, maybe just reword it a little but maybe im just singing it the way its not supposed to be sung?

Remember it?s a different scene
Faint reminder of who you are
Unlike your ideas and routines
Slowly erasing your scars


That was a great stanza. Probably the best part of the whole song! The bridge was just OK. It was amazing, it wasnt terrible. It was solild but you can improve on it

Thanks for critiquing mine, i hope that helped you.
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#6
The only part I had trouble with was the "oh no, no you cant" at the end of the bridge. There's probably a musical reason for it, but it just seems vestigial.
#7
Time has changed, my thoughts stay the same

^
I liked that line alot, i dont know why, lol. You got great chorus, i think the whole song flowed really nicely, i cant see anything wrong with it.
#8
Yeah man, I'd have to agree with the rest of these fellas.. this is some nice work here.

I especially liked the chorus.. It would be really catchy if you made it into an actual song.

Member #4 of the punctuation police, pm alex_haeni to join.
#10
Hmmm... Lots of your lyrics kind of look the same/are the same as that song by POD... :S

Goodbye For Now - POD


I can still see the light
at the end of the tunnel shine
through the dark times
even when I lose my mind

But it feels like no one
in the world is listening
and I can't ever seem
to make the right decisions

I walk around in the same haze
I'm still caught in my same ways
I'm losing time in these strange days
but somehow I always know
the right things to say

I don't know what time it is
or whose the one to blame for this
Do what I believe what I can't see
And how do you know
which way the wind blows

Cause I can feel it all around
I'm lost between the sound
And just when I think
I know, there she goes

[Chorus]
Goodbye for now
Goodbye for now
So long

Goodbye for now (I'm not the type to say I told you so)
Goodbye for now
So long (I think the hardest part of holding on is lettin go)

When will we sing
A new song
A new song

We're still smilin as the day goes by
and how come nobody
ever knows the reasons why
Burry you deep so far
you can't see

If you're like me
who wears a broken
heart on your sleeve

Pains is troubles that
you know so well
Either time don't
It can't or you just won't tell

I'm not the type to say
I told you so
I think the hardest part
of holding on is lettin it go

I don't know what time it is
or whose the one to blaim for this
Do what I believe what I can't see
And how do you know
which way the wind blows

Cause I can feel it all around
I'm lost between the sound
And just when I think I know
there she goes

Goodbye for now
Goodbye for now
So long

Goodbye for now (I'm not the type to say I told you so)
Goodbye for now
So long (I think the hardest part of holdin on is lettin it go)

[Repeat]
When will we sing
A new song
A new song

And you can sing until
theres no song left (song left)
And I can scream until
the world goes deaf (goes deaf)

For every other word
left unsaid you should
have took the time to
read the sign and
see what it meant

In some ways everybody
feels alone so if the
burden is mine then
I can carry my own

If joy really comes
in the morning time
then I'm gunna sit back
and wait until the
next sun rise

Goodbye for now
Goodbye for now
So long

Goodbye for now (I'm no the type to say I told you so)
Goodbye for now
So long(I think the hardest part of holdin on is lettin it go)

[Repeat 2x]
When will we sing
A new song
A new song
Last edited by Penguin_Kai at Aug 10, 2006,
#11
i think it flowed nicely and i really liked the chorus =)
it'll probly be really nice if u put it to music.
#12
wow, thats really good. great job on this, i like that POD song, but whys it posted there? your song is good too... liked it

hey critting back? in sig, trying somn new, take a look at the Scene 1 thing...
#13
The reason I posted the POD song is because some of the lyrics from Before Eternity's Lost (the song posted in the first post of this thread) were taken from that song, therefore consisting of plagiarism.
#14
Penguin_Kai i see your point, but i've never heard or read the lyrics until now. And I apologize for that though i've never intended to plagiarize. I also believe the subject matter of both songs are very different. However, you have a point and I won't discard it.
Also WlCmtothejungle, that was the best crit ever, of course it helped, like everyone else's crit did. Thanks for the crit guys.