#1
I haven't really tried writing much as of late, so I wrote a little bit over the last few days. This is all I've got so far, I will add more as time goes on because it is so short... and of course do some revising... crit 4 crit as always... honesty please.

repetition's a mental condition
never gets you anywhere
sit alone dead like a drone
loneliness has got you scared

half there, in a morbid stare
as time keeps passing you by
in your room, glit and gloom
waiting for your time to die

the sunlit moon shines
erasing everything you know
a marvelous thing to see
when you've got nowhere to go
Last edited by a-user-name at Aug 11, 2006,
#2
i see some meanin beyond the words, i like it. But the poem is kinda too short, and untitled...
but thnxxx 4 da interestin piece of work, its all cool!
Last edited by Sveta at Aug 11, 2006,
#5
I haven't really tried writing much as of late, so I wrote a little bit over the last few days. This is all I've got so far, I will add more as time goes on because it is so short... and of course do some revising... crit 4 crit as always... honesty please.

repetition's a mental condition
never gets you anywhere
sit alone dead like a drone
loneliness has got you scared

i like this, its realy original, and not cliche at all


half there, in a morbid stare
as time keeps passing you by
in your room, glit and gloom
waiting for your time to die
once again, very nice, kinda dark, and not cliche at all

the sunlit moon shines
erasing everything you know
a marvelous thing to see
when you've got nowhere to go
when youve nowhere to go is kinda cliche, but it fits in, and rest of this verse is so original it doesnt matter, awsome over all though. it could bea little longer
#7
Hm.. I'll be honest, it's not bad, but not horribly great. You haven't really said anything or made a point, it basically just says that you're bored/depressed/scared of something, and that's it. You need to fill out what your getting at a little better. I dont mean to scare you off or be harsh, that's just what I got from it. And yeah, maybe that could become available in chorus? Or maybe the chorus keeps asking the question, and it's finally answered in a bridge/final verse. Keep it up. I write a fair bit too, and it can be hard.
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#9
I like it's depth. It's good.
Questions of science,
Science and progress,
Do not speak as loud as my heart.