#1
Ok so this is the first piece i have been working on.One of two. I have just started writting music, but have written poetry for a while. I want to know what you think im talking about, so that i can make sure im getting the point. Its not that long.


A veil of darkness that covers up my eyes.
Deep in my soul that blocks out the lights.
Eclipses that cover up the lies.
I'm getting to tired to hide.

The feelings that i keep inside
you will never see,
a boy has went and died
only a coward remains of me.

I must keep going wth the lies i have built;
beliving my life, a glass about to spill

Trapped in this lonelyness
I'm lost and confused.
Hoping that my weakend mind
will kill the abuse.

Laying here i see myself
restless in reality
cleaning off the shelf
of uncertainty.

light shines through the viel of darkness
showing my soul a thread of hope
snatched away so quickly
None dared move,Nor spoke

For granted i have taken
things so far away to care
things so close to be given
no things gotten to be shared

Well there it is. I hope you like it.Crit please.
Last edited by THEunknown1 at Aug 9, 2006,
#2
not bad, a little hard to get the flow with some of the rhyming...

"I must keep going wth the lies i have built;
beliving my life, a glass about to spill"

that didnt flow very good....try...believing my life, a glass spilt.....or dont cry over a glass spilt.....im not to sure, its your song....i like the begining verse very good imagery.....f this is just one of your first songs, keep it up! hope to hear more from you in the future.....if you want take a look at my newest song "Seven Years"...its in my sig...thanks
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#3
These are some pretty powerful lyrics. The only things are the flow gets disrupted sometimes, and some of the ideas are the slightest bit cliche. Also, some of the ryhmes sound childish. BUt as i said, you can practically feel the emotion and feeling in this.

Can you check out mine? either one in my sig if you have time.
thx