#1
Birth
In light of the recent events, he said
I'm gonna have to tell your friends and your family what you did.
An' at that point, there is no doubt you'll regret it
But you weren't thinkin' about the future back when you did it.

Your foolish pride resulted in your demise
and your lofty aspirations cast our entire plantation
in a bad light
when you decided that fateful night
to be born.

"I've got dirt on these palms and dust in my eye
I reckon the time has arrived for me to die
But as I leave, don't bother mournin' for me
After all, my destination is where I can be free".
#2
Hey, doing a full crit now, so stand by for an edit.

Meanwhile, do you mind taking a look at mine? the first one in my sig.
thx


In light of the recent events, he said
I'm gonna have to tell your friends and your family what you did.
An' at that point, there is no doubt you'll regret it
But you weren't thinkin' about the future back when you did it.
Hmmm pretty good opening line here, kind of makes me wonder what its gonna be about. Nice hook.

Your foolish pride resulted in your demise
and your lofty aspirations cast our entire plantation
in a bad light
when you decided that fateful night
to be born.
Plantation...sorry but i kind of though about the slaves and all. If thas what you want good, but it could just be a farm.

"I've got dirt on these palms and dust in my eye
I reckon the time has arrived for me to die
But as I leave, don't bother mournin' for me
After all, my destination is where I can be free".
Pretty good line here, kind of cliche in the way you say this though.


Final Statement: I don't wanna sound mean, but personally, I think this is mediocre at best. At the 1st verse, I thought it would be better, but it never seemed to resolve itself, and even though it was vague, which was good, it seemed to be too vague, if you know what i mean. Maybe make this longer, and explain things more.
Last edited by AAA_the_band at Aug 9, 2006,
#3
the song is meant to be about a slave (hence, plantation) that attempts to run away. her master then catches her and she is sentenced to death. I am IN NO WAY racist rather I am trying to catch the essence of a slave's life. this song is unfinished i was hoping you could give advice as to where it should go now. thanks.
#4
^OOOOHHH, i get it now. So i was right about the plantation. From here, i guess you could go more in depth about maybe, the slave's life before she tried to run away, or maybe how she got caught, there are a lot of possibilities.


Also, don't want to sound greedy, but can you check out my other piece too?
thx