#1
EDIT: oh, sry, i forgot to say C4C

thanks!


It's so hard to swim
When you're constantly sinking
You search for an island
Where you can stop thinking
About all the times
When the tide just kept beating you down

Last time you fell
This time you're broken
And no one is there
You're out in the open
Your bones are so cold
No fire could keep them warm

A thousand stars couldn't light your way
A million more couldn't turn
Your night into day

I'll be different
Seldom seen
A hidden glow
Your Astatine

The punches they fall
Like sharp drops of rain
And as they grow colder
You're numb to the pain
You won't even know
When the water is over your head

The storm has moved on
But the damage remains
You cover it up
Pretend everything's changed
But under your skin
Your past never felt so real

A thousand stars couldn't light your way
A million more couldn't turn
Your night into day

I'll be different
Seldom seen
A hidden glow
Your Astatine

I'll be different
Seldom seen
A hidden glow
Your Astatine
Last edited by Smoothrider_41 at Aug 9, 2006,
#2
^ hey mate, im about to do a full crit, so stand by for an edit.

Meanwhile, would you mind checking out one of my pieces? the links are in the sig, and it doesnt matter which one.
thx
#3
Quote by AAA_the_band
^ hey mate, im about to do a full crit, so stand by for an edit.

Meanwhile, would you mind checking out one of my pieces? the links are in the sig, and it doesnt matter which one.
thx


AHHH, i did a full crit of your "july" song, and my computer froze up!!

AHHHH

it always does that, how can i make it not do that so i can send you the crit after i re-write it??
#6
^agreed, anyway heres your crit, in about 2 mins.


It's so hard to swim
When you're constantly sinking
You search for an island
Where you can stop thinking
About all the times
When the tide just kept beating you down
Nice verse here, I like how you're kind of describing life being a sea or whatever, and how its overwhelming.

Last time you fell
This time you're broken
And no one is there
You're out in the open
Your bones are so cold
No fire could keep them warm
Nice line here, can't really say much for it except the "you're all alone" thing is kind of cliche, but you transmitted it good, so props for that.

A thousand stars couldn't light your way
A million more couldn't turn
Your night into day
Stars are one of the most overused words in poetry, im guilty of it too, but you've saif it in an original way agin, props. Maybe change the second lines wording so it fits the syllables more though.

I'll be different
Seldom seen
A hidden glow
Your Astatine
Nice reference the Astatine, short simple and good here.

The punches they fall
Like sharp drops of rain
And as they grow colder
You're numb to the pain
You won't even know
When the water is over your head
Hmmm, at first i didn't like this because of the rain being compared to punches, which is cliche, but i like how you brought the rain back up at the "water on your head" part.

The storm has moved on
But the damage remains
You cover it up
Pretend everything's changed
But under your skin
Your past never felt so real
Ouch mate, this line needs some major fixing, its so cliche it practically screams it, i cannot tell you how many times i've heard different types of the "pain hidden underneath" line.

A thousand stars couldn't light your way
A million more couldn't turn
Your night into day

I'll be different
Seldom seen
A hidden glow
Your Astatine

I'll be different
Seldom seen
A hidden glow
Your Astatine


Final Statement: This is a GREAT pice, with the exeption of that one verse i talked about. The flow throughout is great, even in the bad verse. The emotion in it is palpable and even though this subject is used alot, you put your own spin to it.
Last edited by AAA_the_band at Aug 9, 2006,
#7
I like it, but the rhyming scheme is weird, because it all rhymes until the last line.OHHHHHHHH...
#10
I love this

I wrote a really long crit, but then my comp crashed, and since then I haven't been able to remember what I wrote.

Anyway all that matter is that it's awesome, I do remember saying I oculdn't fault it.

I'll be different
Seldom seen
A hidden glow
Your Astatine


That bit is genious, I like the way its repeated too. It all flows so well and the words are good. As a suggestion for instead of using 'star', perhaps use 'sun' or 'angel'. Just a suggestion, and I don't think that pain underneath skin bit is cliche, thats the first time i've heard it, it just runs in the vein of cliche lines that have the same meaning.

Really, well done. This deserves a medal.
.Brand New.Bright Eyes.This Will Destroy You.

THRRRRRRRREADKILLER!
#12
song seems really good lot of thought in it
thanks for the comment on my song btw

"Last time you fell
This time you're broken
And no one is there
You're out in the open
Your bones are so cold
No fire could keep them warm

A thousand stars couldn't light your way
A million more couldn't turn
Your night into day"

best part of it man
#13
what would have really puled this song together would be if you took the last line of the first two verses and made them rhyme if you understand me a bit of
ABCBD EFGFD and do that for both of the verse sections. Like the word "down" rhyme it with "ground" or something

Otherwise this sounds like a bunch of very forced ryhmes. Look into mewithoutYou, a band, they do this very frequently in their writing.

the chorus is very catchy though and for some reason I sort of sing it with the une of Season In THe Sun.

You can crit mine if you feel obliged to do so: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=472207

The fish swims in the sea,
while the sea is, in a certain sense, contained within the fish.
Oh what am I to think of what the writing of a thousand lifetimes could not explain
If all the forests trees were pens
and the oceans, ink?
#15
Quote by PeopleLikeMe

ABCBD EFGFD and do that for both of the verse sections. Like the word "down" rhyme it with "ground" or something



? whats that mean
#16
It's so hard to swim
When you're constantly sinking
You search for an island
Where you can stop thinking
About all the times
When the tide just kept beating you down ************

Last time you fell
This time you're broken
And no one is there
You're out in the open
Your bones are so cold
No fire could keep them warm *******

The two I marked should rhyme.

The fish swims in the sea,
while the sea is, in a certain sense, contained within the fish.
Oh what am I to think of what the writing of a thousand lifetimes could not explain
If all the forests trees were pens
and the oceans, ink?
#18
love it. i like the vocab used in it too. i dont know what astatine is though
GEAR:
Vantage Ghost Gibson "The Paul" copy
Fender FM-100H half-stack
Regal vintage 30W class A amp head (handcrafted in Montreal)
#20
Love the title. It contains a few cliches that are still well delivered but nonetheless, I still feel them to be cliched. But thats just a personal taste. I prefer your other song, the one that isn't finished yet.