#1
I was lying in bed and thought this up, thought I'd share it.

I wish I could stomach the taste of my tongue.

Child's medicine, plaything to the stars,
Victim's uber-nationalism, freckles over Mars.
Missions Impossible, just playthings to those at bars,
And a Child's medicine, like Mercury over Mars.

Could this story be told in rythm, with time?
Or must all my words march the streets carrying signs
Like those who are against Mr. Water to Wine,
My words just ruin my life.

Child's medicine, plaything to the stars,
Victim's uber-nationalism, crushed by the gravity of Mars,
And songs just out of key, just playthings to those at bars,
And a child's medicine, just a plaything to the stars.
Quote by soccermom
Of course eating unbelievable amounts of anything can probably harm you, but i chose bananas because they look like willies.
#3
i really like this. different, but good. i love the middle part. great stuff...keep working man!
#4
The opening line seems to me to be one of those lines that seem to be meaningful at first but just really make no sense as a whole. I like the repetition of mars, but as a whole rhyming every line gets a little repetitive in this song (you might want it that way)

I love the whole second verse except the water to wine line (it doesn't seem to fit and seems a little cliche). If you want that, might I suggest dropping the Mr and changing wine to whine.

In the last verse, the whole reitteration thing might work better if you had an extra stanza and the bars thing doesn't seem to work.

Overall, I still think it is pretty cool.

EDIT: My song
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=411285
Last edited by fleaflicker182 at Aug 10, 2006,
#5
Wow, I am impressed. This was great. Really interesting use of repetition, but it worked. A comparison between playthings and Mars stood out. I really liked "Mr. Water to Wine."

Really great. Lie in bed more often.
BOOM-SHAKALAKALAKA-BOOM-SHAKALAKUNGA
#6
I'd personally just drop the "uber" since it does nothing for your syllable count or meter that I read. Also I would shy away from using Mars as a rhyme twice in a stanza, perhaps try the line "freckles over scars" or maybe rework the whole line. But hey, those are just my two cents, and even if you don't take them what you've got here is good. Keep it up.