#1
Wrote this on the train on the way to uni today.


I lost the line of my vocalisation
To be and die causes provocation
To tell a lie, it can't hurt every time
Living like a ghost, I stay away from it all

Ripped straight out of a joke
To evoke a sense of sinister cries
Denote that I don't know
But don't tell me that summer is dead

Feel the pounding in your head
But recognise you didn't shred
The evidence that your life was led
As a decent human being
And know that you can die happily
Do you see what I meant?
That when you think your life is led
You haven't even made a dent

I start to whine and it's cold degredation
To freeze time is an odd sensation
To be and die leaves you covered in slime
The living ghost stays low so he doesn't fall
#2
Denote that I don't know

I think that line should be changed too

Denote that which I don't know

Because it keeps the rythm better.

I especially liked the last stanza, though throughout the whole thing I thought the rythm was a little off. It didn't destroy it though, still very good.

8/10
Quote by soccermom
Of course eating unbelievable amounts of anything can probably harm you, but i chose bananas because they look like willies.
#4
Meh, I'm doing you a full crit right now, but meanwhile, can you check out mine? first link in my sig.
thx
#5
The living ghost stays low so he doesn't fall
Best line in this song. I liked the subject of the song as well. Good effort

Feel free to crit any in my sig