#1
Here's my first piece in a little while. Lets see if you can guess what its about. Criticism welcome of course.

Oh We Fools

This magnificent masquerade
Watch me drown in champaigne
Downward looks upon their heads
Squeeze them even when they're dead

"Crisis" on the blinking screen
Our grand charade is clearly seen
Prices raise us on to heaven
Voices cry, but fists unleavened

Onward so the story goes
The great game of "Buy Black Gold"
Why, my dear, its a good thing
When one of us is made the king
BOOM-SHAKALAKALAKA-BOOM-SHAKALAKUNGA
#2
This magnificent masquerade
Watch me drown in champaigne
Downward looks upon their heads
Squeeze them even when they're dead
the first 2 lines are really good. The rhymes are very original

"Crisis" on the blinking screen
Our grand charade is clearly seen
Prices raise us on to heaven
Voices cry, but fists unleavened
same think with the 3rd and 4th lines. Very original rhymes

Onward so the story goes
The great game of "Buy Black Gold"
Why, my dear, its a good thing
When one of us is made the king
this is probably my favorite song that I've ever crited good job. I didn't say much cause I liked it how it was


here's a link to mine

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=411347
Last edited by private at Aug 10, 2006,
#3
First stanza: magnificent masquerade is a bit of a mouthful, maybe use mighty masquerade. Squeeze them even when they're dead is a very cool line. I like playing with rhyming within the line like that.

Second stanza: First two lines fairly standard but effective. 'Prices raise us on to heaven' is a cool sounding line, but works to be a strange paradox that seems to glorify inflation. the word 'unleavened' is very cool and well use, but it seems to remind me of bread.

Third stanza: The random line breaking the rhyming pattern is highlighted very well, but the first line seems a little 'so what?'.

Good work, though. I'm assuming it's a work in progress, I say that because I think it is a little too short. If you have music that goes with it and makes it flow, however, it doesn't matter.

My song
http://www.ultimate-guitar.com/foru...ad.php?t=411285
#4
good thing, but too short( i think u heard dat criticism before), but i really lov the endin, the last verse