#1
Ok guys this one is for my band Heartbeat For Change..it has an odd set up..no chorus what so ever..well i hope u like...crit 4 crit as usual. here it is

Future Life

Every word you ever said,
is stuck in my head like,
footprints in the beach sand,
only to be washed out by the,
arrival of a new tide,
I try to follow your voice,
but echoes are misleading,
so, I search hi and low,
for a way to get home,

I should have listened before,
it became to hard to handle,
so, now I sit, looking up at these clouds,
without you, by myside,
is this a bad dream,
in which i can't escape,
or is it a sign of ,
my future life to come,

Sitting on the curb outside your house,
wondering if you'll ever come out,
and talk to me about our future life,
I hope that we can work things out,
and possibly get along again,
I only want to know so,
I can either move on or,
maybe get you back


Well there you have it...please leave your crits..can change it you would like..will appreciate. peace
My gear:
1982 Peavey Falcon
2004 Les Paul
2006 Peavey Transtube
2007 Youngblood 100w cab
2002 Dean Playmate Bass
2002 Dean Bassola
#2
Quote by honestlies
Every word you ever said,
is stuck in my head like,
footprints in the beach sand,
only to be washed out by the,
arrival of a new tide,
I try to follow your voice,
but echoes are misleading,
so, I search high and low,
for a way to get home.

It doesn't really flow very well, because there is little solid structure. The lines, although using enjambment, just don't gel together as they would if you had a solid structure to the stanza.

I should have listened before,
it became too hard to handle,
so, now I sit, looking up at these clouds,
without you, by my side,
is this a bad dream,
in which i can't escape,
or is it a sign of,
my future life to come?

There is a better structure here so the lines flow better, although still not as good as they could do. The final four lines is the best part of the song, good flow and pace.

Sitting on the curb outside your house,
wondering if you'll ever come out,
and talk to me about our future life,
I hope that we can work things out,
and possibly get along again,
I only want to know so,
I can either move on or,
maybe get you back

Your structure falters yet again and the rhythm is disrupted. A big restructuring job is ahead if you want the rhythm to improve.


If you would be so kind, my song is in my sig.
#3
i did notice the flo problems too.. but still good words, flo can be fixed whan sung... so i liked it.

can you giv a crit back? newest stuff is the other side thing in crit
#4
I thought it didn't read like some other stuff
which is good
it would be great i I could hear it with the music

mines called Music is Mine if you wanna read it
#5
itsa good thing, i agree with some of the comments above, i like two last ver. the most actually, they r good, anyways, you can check out mine called Euphoria, thnx