#1
Ok, im starting something wierd and new, a series that was originally a play (done for school a long time ago, by my bassist (JDG, intitials, he doesbt have a user on UG)) This is just an introduction so its simple. See what you think.(C4C) So its his main story, told by me. He dreamt this up, but... As told by Amp'd-S.:

The Other Side...
Scene 1: How Could I?


He's finding it so hard to believe. He didn't remember doing it and didn't think he'd be one to do such a thing. He decides to ask her again. It's not that he has reasons to not believe her, but how could he have done it? She's still crying. He speaks as soft as he can, "Baby? I'm so sorry, I love you. Tell me again what happened."

After she's done again he finally realizes that there are marks on her neck.

They're hand marks; his hands. But how?

He swears that he loves her, and begs her to forget.

And she forgets... But he remembers...
Last edited by AmplifySilence at Aug 10, 2006,
#2
Quote by AmplifySilence
He's finding it so hard to believe. He didn't remember doing it and didn't think he'd be one to do such a thing. He decides to ask her again. It's not that he has reasons to not believe her, but how could he have done it? She's still crying. He speaks as soft as he can; "Baby? I'm so sorry, I love you. Tell me again what happened."

Grammatically, only the comma needed changing to a semi-colon. So far so good. There is perhaps a little bit of a lack of depth. There's not enough explanations, just observations and thoughts.

After she's done again he finally realizes that there are marks on her neck.

Hand marks. His hands. But how?

He swears that he loves her, and begs her to forget.

And she forgets... but he remembers...

Grammatically, you missed a plural out. Also (although it is easily forgiven) you've used incomplete sentences in the hand sequence. I don't know whether to split each part up with commas or semi-colons, but definately not full stops. It's a good ending to the intro, perhaps a little bit lacking in depth but sometimes writing like that can have a bit of charm to it.


There you go, sir.
#3
very different, but very awesomely done...i didnt really get it when i first glanced at it, but when i read it again....i thought wow...this is really cool....they guy above me has got the grammer stuff, so all i got to say is good job...
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#5
Pretty cool. How many parts are there to it. I'm interested to hear how you keep it going,

Feel free to crit the 2 in my sig
#6
im not sure how many parts yet, im still not done with the whole thing, probly like 5. but Scene 2 comes in a few day... it will go more in depht and clear up some things (gotta wait for a week to be up still)
#7
I suppose for an intro, it's alright. It sets up a story which you can go back to. But it is very plain, and not exactly a mighty interesting piec eof writing. There's too much he is this and he saw that then he did this in there. I'd like to see some more colourful words in there (not red or blue, but adjectives and metaphors) to spice it up, and be more subtle with the stroy instead of what you have, sort of shoving it in our faces. Use the introduction as a time to slowly build up the scene, get the scene set. This is the raw parts of that. Expand and build on it so it hits home harder.

If you want to, latest is in my sig
#8
hi, i realised i owed you a crit, so here i am, dont expect any detailed technical crit, cuz im not an expert (very far from it (just my opinion) )

i thinks its good. very short, so its easy to read
but because its short its not really captivating, but still im interested to read the next part
And what is more, there's been a bloody purple nose and some bloody purple clothes that were messing up the lobby floor. It's just apartment house rules so all you 'partment fools remember : one man's ceiling is another man's floor.
#9
ok, cool, thanx... to Jammy: i think ur right about the lack of use of adjectives and a wierd way to introduce, but i dont know, it kinda clears up in scene 2, i just wanted poeple to start wondering i guess... thanks, the week is up tomorrow, so ill post acene 2 tomorrow (getting to yours soon, in a little though), like i said, things become clearer... its called: Just Call Me the Window