#1
I wrote this song pretty fast earlier today, so any help or crit. that you can give me to make it better would be much appreciated. (i just had some time today and thought i would majorly edit this song.....please leave some feedback...thanks)
I just did some editing on this song and I think I have it pretty much perfected to my liking but I wanna know what you guys thing...as always Crit 4 Crit

what the hell are we living for?


10 P.M. Im watchin T.V.
Seeing all the people stricken with misery
Cities being bombed, Countries at War
What the hell are we living for?

Open and look through the outside door

When everyday brings fear
it brings more people to tears
Leaving an emptyness inside of them
Praying to go home again

Soldiers need some confidence,
trying to keep all their promises,
Opening up the outside door,
taking a look into the war

Looking at life, and it isn't easy
Seeing all the people stricken with misery
Cities being bombed, Countries at War
Looking inside the outside door

So stop and shed some tears
Why the hell are we living here?
Knowing that death is in store
What the hell are we living for?

Late at night Im watchin T.V
Seeing all the people stricken with misery
So stop and shed a tear
Why the hell are we living here?

Looking at life, and its not easy
Seeing all the people stricken with misery
Knowing what we have in store,
Looking inside the outside door
Knowing that death is in store
What the hell are we living for?

People being bombed, countries at war
What the hell are we living for?

11 P.M I can't watch the TV
Im sick of seeing people stricken with misery
Standing outside, looking in the door
Why the hell don't we stop these wars
Last edited by Fallen_Misery at Jun 30, 2007,
#2
This is a simple song, in every sense of the word and I mean that in a very good way. It's potent and undiluted.
And I personally commend you for not pretending to know the answers already.

"Strucken" isn't a word. It should say "stricken".
That's my only advice. This is a simple piece and as a result it is without flaws; it attempts little and in doing so succeeds easily and emphatically.
The title's actually kinda clever if you think about, too. If you wanna think about it that way...
Nice work.
ρ
#3
ummmm this is pretty broad

the strongest word in here is misery, extend your vocab some

good topic, but you should at more to the question at hand, not just about war tearing peoples lives apart

a little fixing and i can picture it being an awsome song
#4
not bad...maybe another verse? I like the concept a lot. Also, not to be a jerk but 'strucken' is not a word...were you thinkin 'stricken' or 'struck'? 'Stricken' prolly works better here. One last thing, the 1st verse doesn't fit the rhyme scheme that you set up with all the others. Because on all the others you have the last two lines rhyming, you might wanna do that with the 1st as well.
I understand you did this fast so I hope ya dont think I was bein to critical, its a good piece.
#5
hmm..i think youve got a really good start. It would make an exellent punk song(obviously). The only negative I see with it is the fact that it seems pretty repetative. It might sound better with music....but thats just my crit on the lyrics. Hope it helps...
If to live is to die, then is to die to live? Thats a bunch of S_H_I_T.
#6
Thx for the crits, i changed to 'stricken' and im thinking about working on the song more but i dont really have the time to do it....but ill think about trying to do some to it any more ideas would be much appreciated

Also if anyone can help me put music to it I would really appreciate that because im not that good at putting music to lyrics
Last edited by Fallen_Misery at Aug 10, 2006,
#7
very simple, but very to the point...one question...are you angry about something...lol....as someone above said, use more imaginative volcabulary....set some music to this, either punk or some fast and heavy metal slayer like riffs oveer it....well thats all i can really say....if you like, would you check out my latelst song, its called seven years and its in my sig...
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#10
i like the song, damn, i mean i just understand the guy(you), he tried to show himself in something as a protest to Wars, and itsa pretty good try i suppose. Maybe just to simple, to repetative n too short as said above, but if you gonna work on it, add some more of rich language, it could be a really really amazing piece!
#11
i like it its down and to the point. a little repetative but its still good.
check out some of my songs and crit them
peace dude
#12
thanx for the crits, ive been trying to work on improving the song but im stuck so any ideas i would love to hear
#13
eemmm...just cause "10.pm im watching tv....blablabla" thing is used alot, you can make some more new verses and put them between this chorus....like two verses between the chorus or something....what you think?
check out ma stuff too, peace
#14
i no ya prob dont wanna extend ya chrous but i just thought at the end put "open and look inside the outside door" dont no if it will be of any help just a random line that came into my head lol
#16
maek it so it watching tv..not "the tv" it would sound better

rock on against wars with the rest of us modern hippies

peace out
UG's HIPPIE
#18
hey guys, had a lil time this morning and i edited more, i think i made it better cuz its not as repetitive, but tell me watcha think...crit for crit
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#21
i really like this song... simple, but in the best way possible. it would sound awesome with some music. it could get a bit repetetive without music though. but i think the vocabulary doesnt need to be extended for this song. i wouldve added another line to the end, to make the last 'verse' rhyme with something. but thats down to personal taste, i guess.
Last edited by acoustic-fish at Aug 19, 2006,
#23
hey guys, just edited this ALOT please leave some feedback
Check for "Taking a Picture (Won't capture this)
#24
Well I just pretty much finished up the song to my liking so please tell me what you think
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#25
it's a little simple, when it comes to the words, but it flows well, and it makes a great point. nice work
"Penis"
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#26
i was supposed to be simple when i first wrote it, i didn't intend much strong vocab or hidden meaning and stuff its just a straight down to the point song
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#27
a great example of a simple, to the point song done right. i like it a lot and think it would make a brilliant protest song. i like the fact you never answer the question you ask, not pretending to knwo the answers to life's problems because it seems that everybody who does think they know the answers starts a war and makes people miserable...or at least that's how i take it.
great stuff.
#28
thats exactly what I was going for! bam there it is! lol....now i just have to learn my guitar and write some music to it
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#29
Quote by willtheworld
It's a good simple protest song. I like it and think it should stay simple


I totally agree. It reminds me lyrically of "No One Would Riot For Less" by Bright Eyes and i think musically if you wrote it similar to that it would compliment the lyrics. Check the song out, it might not be what you're into.

Very cool though... Good work
#30
Awesome, I really liked this. It would go great in a punk song. It really worked for what it was supposed to be so I can't really criticize anything. One suggestion though, maybe, would be to change the 10 pm in the last stanza to some other time, like 11 pm or something. Like time has passed or something. I don't know. Great job regardless.
#31
that's a good idea im going to change that....i like it...thanks for the crits guys
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#32
There is an "Edit post" function that is very useful.
Too much bumping of your own thread will get it


Closed.
This is not a pipe