#1
I'm not finished with the second verse but i'll let you read what i've completed soo far. let me know what you think i could do better, or did good. i'm kind of new to writing lyrics ( i mostly do the riffs ect. ) so any critisizm (sp?) would be apreciated. this is an acoustic song by the way. every one i've let listen to it says it has a folkish feel .


Automate your heart and soul
eight hours at a time
incinerate your dreams
for alittle peace of mind

but inside i'm not so secure
and i am not without fear
of the day my time will be
taken away

stare straight ahead
your hands know what to do
stare straight ahead
your hands know what to do
stare into the void
no inputs required of you


*for this next verse i'm writeng somthing with the same patern as the below verse but until i finish that the same thing for both of 'em is going to have to do.

Automate your heart and soul
eight hours at a time
incinerate your dreams
for alittle peace of mind

but inside i'm not so secure
and i am not without fear
of the day my life becomes
all work and no play


tell me what you think. i realy value your oppinions
There are three sides to any argument: your side, my side and the right side.
Last edited by nevets at Aug 11, 2006,
#2
its good, really.Very interestin piece of work! Just in second part, first line "but inside im not so secure", i think it will be better if you remove 'so', it breaks the flow after the 1st part which is very good. okay, i extremely wanna hear that song!
crit mine if u getta chance,thnx