#1
probably a poem for my next book


ambition beaten out of me
like dirt from an old rug
I laugh like a bad god
an evil genius
an exaggerated cartoon villain
scheming- elevated feet
surrounded by the enemy
eating our freedom

didn’t you ever think
the change that’d take place
from many dastardly deeds
would be a good thing?
well it could be

but our kind of walking the walk
is more small talk

and in uniform clothing,
suppresed bountiful body,
eyes wide in the down time,
you wish for superiority-
to do nothing.
I smile; you're pretty.
when I quit scouring
the fence for weak links
grab a spoon,
help me dig
love dead like a crushed fly

for those of you who said you'd be interested in hearing my lyrics put to music- I started work on recording an album, if you get in touch with me pm or otherwise I'd be more than happy to fill you in
#2
wow...thats cool...nice technique, i like the last part. You gotta really good vocab n "rich language"....N what is your next book about?????
thnx for the nice poetry
crit my stuff around if you getta chance
#3
a poem for everyone I know.

thanks. I'll gladly take a look (and possible even post a crit) if you leave a link and that goes for all of you.
love dead like a crushed fly

for those of you who said you'd be interested in hearing my lyrics put to music- I started work on recording an album, if you get in touch with me pm or otherwise I'd be more than happy to fill you in
#4
y'know, your almost simplistic style has definitely grown on me to the extent where i enjoy, if not love, everything you post in S&L, this was no exception. very straight forward and there but with a hint of depth that makes me rething the entire thing and find different facets of it. However, this did seem a tid bit weak compared to some of your others in the sense that it didnt seem to... add up? I mean this in that you build this image for 2/3 of the piece and even tie it together with the third stanza but then it all seems kinda... all for nothing, as in it has (IMHO) very little to do with the conclusion you make in the end. meh, thats just my little opinion and I'm sure theres something i'm missing here as I'm exhausted and just got back from the greatest concert ever (RHCP w/ Mars Volta). nevertheless, very good writing and the ending is especially witty, very good job overall.

if you want: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=412380
#5
yeahh i like your style probably the most on here, except maybe joris'

ambition beaten out of me
like dirt from an old rug
I laugh like a bad god
an evil genius
an exaggerated cartoon villain
scheming- elevated feet
surrounded by the enemy
eating our freedom

i love the line "i laugh like a bad god"- there's something quite eerie about that which is really striking and effective. nice detail to abstract as well. lovely.

didn?t you ever think
the change that?d take place
from many dastardly deeds
would be a good thing?
well it could be

personally, i think the last line here kind of ruins it. the first 4 are all so forward and demanding, and the last seems kind of weak in comparison. but it;s up to you of course, just IMO

but our kind of walking the walk
is more small talk

good use of the classic rhyme.

and in uniform clothing,
suppresed bountiful body,
eyes wide in the down time,
you wish for superiority-
to do nothing.
I smile; you're pretty.
when I quit scouring
the fence for weak links
grab a spoon,
help me dig

fantastic. i especially like the last 2 lines "grab a spoon/help me dig". that's such a great note to end the song on.

lovely work. sorry for the rubbish crit but yknoww.
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#6
Quote by #1synth
y'know, your almost simplistic style has definitely grown on me to the extent where i enjoy, if not love, everything you post in S&L, this was no exception. very straight forward and there but with a hint of depth that makes me rething the entire thing and find different facets of it. However, this did seem a tid bit weak compared to some of your others in the sense that it didnt seem to... add up? I mean this in that you build this image for 2/3 of the piece and even tie it together with the third stanza but then it all seems kinda... all for nothing, as in it has (IMHO) very little to do with the conclusion you make in the end. meh, thats just my little opinion and I'm sure theres something i'm missing here as I'm exhausted and just got back from the greatest concert ever (RHCP w/ Mars Volta). nevertheless, very good writing and the ending is especially witty, very good job overall.


I'm gonna agree with all this, cos I do actually agree with this, and I'm in a position right now where I don't feel like really getting into this to crit- sorry.

But I liked it and, like synth, I do enjoy your simplistic style. You, CJW and Scarred faith are some of my favourite writers on here purely for the simplicity factor. Good Job.
#7
I was kind of hoping no one would catch the fact that I barely made a point in this.. and though I couuuuld argue that the failure of the piece to accomplish anything is a reflection of the situation I'm trying to portray I don't think I'll go there.

thank you guys for your kind words. I'll be checking out those links so don't forget you posted them.

and don't worry, next piece will be a love poem all twisted up like you're used to from me
love dead like a crushed fly

for those of you who said you'd be interested in hearing my lyrics put to music- I started work on recording an album, if you get in touch with me pm or otherwise I'd be more than happy to fill you in