#1
___________________________
my lonliness, on my own
The promises you cant keep,
a Break from this sickness,
I just pray its not too late

I understand, the faults we both have
and I'm leaving this to die by itself
Look what we have created
in the pain of staying true
i say it With my last breath of air
You can take it from my cold dead hands

So lets not even try to wait and
let this burning feeling kill us both
What have we done?
Lets let it die alone
Dont bottle up what you know you want to say.
No one lives forever.

So open up your eyes
let your words flow free
i'm so sick i'm turning blue
what the hell are you doing to me?

I can't forget how many times
I'm so sick
I can't forget the bitter taste
I'm so sick
This is my goodbye
I'm so sick
you can never take me back
Close your mouth and shut your eyes,
Your excuse doesnt help this situation
You are the knife in my side
And the poison in my drink.

This time I can't forgive you
for all the hell you put me through
Didn't you feel it?
Every word was a tremor in my heart
My sacrifice to keep us
was too much to keep on going
Don't you understand?
I'm falling from a plane,
Youre the broken Parachute.
___________________________

Yeah. I like this one. I edited it.
"This shit here's called Death"
"What the fuck? You mean I'm gonna hit this shit and die?"
"No Nigga! I said Deaf. You hit this and you aint gonna hear shit!"
Last edited by JohnnyNapalm at Aug 15, 2006,
#2
This is yours right? I only question because of the quote.

I like this a lot, mostly because I just went through something that this parellels pretty close, and yeah... I've been having a bit of an issue with it, and it's good to see others came to the same conslusion. I like the last line.
Main Gear:
Cort G-Series 254
Takamine EG345C 12-String
Fender Squier P-Bass

Peavey Classic 50
Laney HCM65B

$75 Junk Drums w/ B8 Hats/Crash/Ride
#3
Yeah it's mine. I took out the quotes, i guess it's just confusing.
"This shit here's called Death"
"What the fuck? You mean I'm gonna hit this shit and die?"
"No Nigga! I said Deaf. You hit this and you aint gonna hear shit!"
#4
Quote by JohnnyNapalm
___________________________
my lonliness, on my own
The promises you cant keep,
a Break from this sickness,
I just pray its not too late

I understand, the faults we both have
and I'm leaving this to die by itself
Look what we have created
in the pain of staying true
i say it With my last breath of air
You can take it from my cold dead hands
That's a bit cliche'd I feel, kind of makes the song seem less serious.

So lets not even try to wait and
let this burning feeling kill us all
What have we done?
Lets let it die alone
"Kill us all" seems strange because I thought you were only talking about two people.

Dont bottle up what you know you want to say.
No one lives forever.
I like this line, maybe try to fit it in with the larger verses you have.

So open up your eyes
let your words flow free
i'm so sick i'm turning blue
your useless excuses are bringing out the best of me 14
You have 14 sylables in your last line and 5-7 in the first three, might present a rhythmic problem.

I can't forget how many times
I'm so sick
I can't forget the bitter taste
I'm so sick
This is my goodbye
I'm so sick
you can never take me back
Is this your chorus? It seems like it would be, but maybe your going through the song just as it's written without rearranging?

Close your mouth and shut your eyes,
Your excuse doesnt help this situation
You are the knife in my side
Dont come back
You could do more with the last line, which would really help this bit

This time I can't forgive you
Through all the hell you put me through
Didn't you feel it?
Every word was a tremor in my heart
Maybe make the second line "For all the hell you put me through" just so it sounds a little more flowing

My sacrifice to keep us
was too much to keep on going
Don't you understand?
I'm falling from a plane,
Youre the broken Parachute.
The broken parachute bit is suprising, if thats what you were going for it works.

Yeah. I like this one. I edited it.


Not bad, it had some good strong points in it. I just think it doesnt feel very fluid. If you are gong for a constantly changing song this would work, but if you have a theme through out this could hurt you. Good work though for the most part.
#5
Quote by Maj_Tom
Not bad, it had some good strong points in it. I just think it doesnt feel very fluid. If you are gong for a constantly changing song this would work, but if you have a theme through out this could hurt you. Good work though for the most part.

Thanks yeah I've been revising it and revising it and revising it. And I was thinking the same thing of the fluid problem. I'll just take out some spaces and maybe rearrange it so it fits in.

EDIT: and oh, it's more of a poem than a song, but I'm gonna put it to music.
"This shit here's called Death"
"What the fuck? You mean I'm gonna hit this shit and die?"
"No Nigga! I said Deaf. You hit this and you aint gonna hear shit!"
#6
Reading this again makes me wonder if it's changed so much it doesn't seem like the same peice. I'm thinking the original worked for me better, mind you I didn't look at it for practical reasons, just for the effect it created on me.
Main Gear:
Cort G-Series 254
Takamine EG345C 12-String
Fender Squier P-Bass

Peavey Classic 50
Laney HCM65B

$75 Junk Drums w/ B8 Hats/Crash/Ride
#7
I only changed 2 lines and took out some spaces.
"This shit here's called Death"
"What the fuck? You mean I'm gonna hit this shit and die?"
"No Nigga! I said Deaf. You hit this and you aint gonna hear shit!"
#8
Hm.. must have been in a different mood when I first read it. Still not bad.
Main Gear:
Cort G-Series 254
Takamine EG345C 12-String
Fender Squier P-Bass

Peavey Classic 50
Laney HCM65B

$75 Junk Drums w/ B8 Hats/Crash/Ride