#1
Numba 2, no intro this time as Ret doesnt want there to be I will tell you that this is only vaguely the same as the first and can you please tell me if you enjoy both the style at all or if it makes any sense as technically this is OTS but I didnt want to muddle the title
Also, the 'ands' to start almost every stanza were intentional.
Camp Hymn 2: If Elliot Smith Is Dead Then I dont Deserve to Live


{?And there was a pair of roses
Flying pressed in the careless air
And there was a pair of roses
Wheezing wind instead of words?}

And I breathed there punching at the sunlit-moonlight
In your illuminated garden shadows,
With words I promised I?d never say
Because? because they don?t mean anything:
?I love you?
?I love you?
?I love you?
?I fucking love you?
I cried to the broken aluminum window,
To your hazy gentle sigh.

And out from my bleeding pores I guess I ?loved?
In such a perfect pitch and harmony
That the tree?s burst to whips of flame
Grasping our raising voices
And chaining our chests from sound by
Breaking our lips forever;
?Forever? I thought,
?Forever.?

{?And the green grass
grew all around, all around, And
the green grass grew all around
My shaking voice wavering
In between my throat and the ground.?}

I dropped to my knees clutching my lips
Muffling our beautiful human nature,
As it forced us to breathe out together ?I love you?.
But no words came, just thorns
Ripping apart my heart and palms.
?
I killed my voice that night,
And I think you grew mute too,
As desire fractured meaning,
And glossy lust cut through the floating roses
Of our faces breathless under the burning branches;
While all our thousand limbs dyed black, charred white, and then
Loved us enough to
Bleach us into a moment
Where I would kiss your flowing lips into ?forever?.
Together?

{?And there was a pair of roses
Flying pressed in the careless air
And there was a pair of roses
Wheezing wind into their words?}

So now I think:
If Elliot smith can die forever, can I?
If we cant think of the terms to say together
Should I let the rose-words float us up to the sky?

?I love you? I cry into the flames licking at my uniform

{?And the rose was in the air,
And the air was in the ground,
And the bright green grass
grew all around, all around, And
the burning green grass grew all around.?}



Last edited by #1 synth at Aug 12, 2006,
#2
This is the best thing you've ever written. Congratulations.

This is perfect, in every single way. Stylistic, Interesting, Catchy, Everything. It's original, while drawing in cliches and familliar ideas.

I might go more in depth tomorrow night (assuming I finish this damn summer reading assignment.) but not for your sake. For other writers' sakes. So they know what they're doing wrong.

Excellent work Dylan, and I love the title. Elliot Smith rules.
Last edited by Retribution at Aug 11, 2006,
#3
Elliott Smith is one of the greatest artists of our time and he always will be

thats the most flattering of crits ever, I <3 you haha.

And yes, I need to start my two summer reading books, thats for reminding me, jerk
#4
I'll crit this later but you spelt Elliott wrong (double T)
Quote by Kensai
Maybe you've heard what the ladies say: "Once you go 77mm you don't go back"
#6
Dude, I am not even gonna bother.. this totally owns. I'd like it if you could have a look at my new one Optimism Is Not A Virtue. The link is in my sig
#8
I like this loads. Great rhyming.
Heh, I love 'sunlit-moonlight', 'cause it makes sense. And also sounds cool.

Uh, I'm not really an Elliott Smith fan. So you'll understand if I find references to him in writing as being a bit...meh.

Anyway, yeah, this seems rich, it has flair, strongly conveyed emotion, imagery. Some well-placed smatterings of dialogue. It paints a colourful and in-depth picture, I guess. Probably the only shortcoming, for me, was that a lot of the metaphors were kind of lost on me, I didn't get them. I guess I just suck at that anyway, though :\
Enjoyable stuff. Ro
ρ
#9
I'd have to agree with Retribution, this is the best 've seen you write since I've been on here. It's just a great piece, and thought I didn't "get it" I don't care, it was just brilliant to read. Great stuff.

Glad to see you back, you're much needed around here.

Not that you should, but if you want, my newest is in my sig.
#10
Yep, this seems good to me as well. Great imagery and emotion throughout.

I'm afraid I don't know of Elliott Smith's work, so I can't comment as fairly as I could.

I especially admire the subtle rhyming that you bring in to end the piece. Nice touch.
#11
yo ho ho told you i'd be back to crit
first off, elliott smith fucking owns everyone in the world ever.


{?And there was a pair of roses
Flying pressed in the careless air
And there was a pair of roses
Wheezing wind instead of words?}

Tbh, I don't like this opening of "and there was a pair of roses". Opening whole pieces with "and" is always pretty risky and it doesn't work so well here IMO. Also, I dunno if you're trying to like write in Smith's style or whatever but this doens't really sound anything like he'd write, tbh. It's a good opening, but like, if I didn't know it was sposed to ahve summat to do with Smith I would neve have guessed.

And I breathed there punching at the sunlit-moonlight
In your illuminated garden shadows,
With words I promised I?d never say
Because? because they don?t mean anything:

I don't like the repittion of starting with "and" personally.
This is sounding more like Smith (again, I dunno if it's meant to or whatever) but yeahh. Oh and also, no offence, but I'm not going to compare your stuff to his. In my eyes, in my opinion, he was one of the greatest songwriters ever, and I'm not gonig to compare your work, my work, or anybody else's work ever to his. I can tell you if I think it's in his style but if you want me to compare it to his, I'm calling yours crap

(yours isn't crap btw, quite the opposite... but yknow... jsut getting my point accross. Anything looks crap when compared to Smith's)

?I love you?
?I love you?
?I love you?
?I fucking love you?
I cried to the broken aluminum window,
To your hazy gentle sigh.

I don't like the swearing in here. Doesn't feel right to me somewhow. Good work otherwise though.

And out from my bleeding pores I guess I ?loved?
In such a perfect pitch and harmony
That the tree?s burst to whips of flame
Grasping our raising voices
And chaining our chests from sound by
Breaking our lips forever;
?Forever? I thought,
?Forever.?

"bleeding pores" similarly sounds out of place. Kinda cliched tbh if you ask me, which you didn't, but i'm telling you anyhow :P
The rets of this is perfect though. Good stanza.

{?And the green grass
grew all around, all around, And
the green grass grew all around
My shaking voice wavering
In between my throat and the ground.?}

I don't like the use of brackets; they seem incredibly irrelevant to me, and if you really are going for the Smith style, even more so. But the lyrics are good lol. I don't like "my shaking voice wavering" because the 2 synonyms seem irrelevant to me, the two of them together I mean. By having one you automatically suggest the wavering so the 2nd adjective is kind of redundant and sounds a bit lame IMO.

I dropped to my knees clutching my lips
Muffling our beautiful human nature,
As it forced us to breathe out together ?I love you?.
But no words came, just thorns
Ripping apart my heart and palms.

The thorns bit is really too cliched IMO. I don't like it. I like the 2nd line a lot, "Muffling our beautiful human nature,", thats cool.

?
I killed my voice that night,
And I think you grew mute too,
As desire fractured meaning,
And glossy lust cut through the floating roses
Of our faces breathless under the burning branches;
While all our thousand limbs dyed black, charred white, and then
Loved us enough to
Bleach us into a moment
Where I would kiss your flowing lips into ?forever?.
Together?

Very very nice first 2 lines. Love the way that by saying "i killed my voice" and then "you gre mute too" you suggest that killing is growing. S'good. Nice style in this stanza, sounds good.

{?And there was a pair of roses
Flying pressed in the careless air
And there was a pair of roses
Wheezing wind into their words?}

again with the brackets...
nice repitition though.

So now I think:
If Elliot smith can die forever, can I?
If we cant think of the terms to say together
Should I let the rose-words float us up to the sky?

?I love you? I cry into the flames licking at my uniform

spelling mistake: *ELLIOTT!

IMO I would put " I cry into the flames licking at my uniform" ona separate line from "i love you"
that is all ehre, good stanza

{?And the rose was in the air,
And the air was in the ground,
And the bright green grass
grew all around, all around, And
the burning green grass grew all around.?}

This has the potential to sound fantastic, but to me right now, it doesn't. Great... no... fantastic idea, but something's not right with it I feel. The first 3 lines sound a tad childish to me. And the repitition of your idea at the end really doens't sound good at all to me. It's a weak ending IMO

oh also, i dunno if that very alst line you have up there in your post is part of the song, but i hope not. no offence but it's incredibly pretentious and sounds lame.

anyhow there you go. Sorry if i've seemed a tad negative; didn't mean it. All in all this is a good piece of work, but needs touching up. SOme bits do not sound right to me, and you have definitely done better.
Quote by Kensai
Maybe you've heard what the ladies say: "Once you go 77mm you don't go back"
#12
nice dude. im afraid im not quite familar with elliot smiths work so i cant do a proper crit but besides that i like it. i like the and at the begining of every stanza for some reason and i like the metaphors too. this a good piece keep up the good work.
Quote by skaterskagg1
Gotta have more shaft!

Don't sig that!


Just because you said not too!
#13
I liked, but (imo) you cheapened some of the really great imagery with some not so great imagery. Too much description?
I don't know.
I'll see you later, if I see you at all.
#14
its somewhat of a pretty piece filled with terrible cliches.

And the rose was in the air,
And the air was in the ground,
And the bright green grass
grew all around, all around, And
the burning green grass grew all around.?}


that was the only original part in this i thought.
it is written nicely but you don't do anything that hasnt already been done 100 times before and 10 times better for that matter.
i believe you say "i cry" and "i love" about 10-12 times throughout this and as bad as it is to repeat a phrase that much in a piece anyways it is worse seeing as the phrases are "i cry" and "i love".
obviously repetition like that can be effective if used tactfully and effectively but yours didnt seem to add anything but only take away.

anywaysss idk 5/10
#15
k, just 3 things I'd like to mention.

1. people are putting way too much stock in the fact that the title has Elliott ( ) in it, honestly, I feel titles arent really part of the 'piece' I feel its really just that, a titled grouping, not really directly having to do with the content *shrugs* Yes, I know I mentioned him in the piece as well and there I was using him as a symbol for beauty, he honestly didnt have very much to do with the scene, but w/e think what yous guys want. *double shrug*

2. The entire point is that its supposed cliche, I tried to make it as cliche as possible so as to complement and contrast the last line, really people should be bitching to me about how cliche it is, that was what I wanted to hear...

3. I dont paticularly like this piece, like I said, it was OTS and rather what I was feeling at the time...

4. and a fourth . the different stylistic things were supposed to show a shift in time, between past and present, specifically camp and love, generally reality and memory.

(special 5 for Alice. no one should or could ever be compared to Elliott's work, he is, and in my eyes, will always be the greatest acoustic/indie/everything else/muscician that has ever lived. But again, I was in no way attempting to copy his style, If i was I could have done a much better job haha, but I dont believe in copying artists styles (unless their from UG and I paticularly like them )


edit: ^much <3 casanova, cheers for taking the bait.
#16
yeah dude i definitely understand that but i just dont think the last line is good enough to make up for the whole piece being cliche and rather boring.
the last line though is very very pretty and clever but idk i dont think one line can justify a whole piece, but i like what you did and the idea.
#17
what can i say i like it. i like it a lot its cliched of course but you know it doesnt matter cos the writing is good and it flows nicely, the repitition works except maybe the last one. i also ont see the point of the brackets. the last line i dont know what excactly you were going for, highlighting (that looks wierd is it spelt right???) the fact that the piece is cliched (but so is practically everything) or just that you are? still its ggod work and i prefer itr to your other OTS work but just barely. could you check out my pieces, "shattered" and "you will" i would love tro hear your opinion. thanks for the great read.
there are doors that open
there are doors that dont

A recent study shows that 8% of teenagers listen to nothing but music with guitars in it. Put this in your sig if you're one of the 92% who aren't close-minded morons.
#18
w00t i get a special #5

i agree to a certain extent: he was one of the greatest songwriters and musicians to live but definitely not the best. this is kind of sad but i hold mozart and beethoven in much much higher esteem than him.
Quote by Kensai
Maybe you've heard what the ladies say: "Once you go 77mm you don't go back"
#19
Mozart?!?! what the hell are you on? I'm even better than Mozart! All he was was just a short British Tool bent on nothing but buttsecks and Lord Of the Rings Action Figurines. And Beethoven, if that is his real name, couldnt tell a conchairto from a Scandanavian waltz. Word on the street is that they both were lipsynching their symphonys and they sampled from P. Diddy


I had forgotten about them good call
#20
some of it was kind of emo but for the most part I really liked it. especially the green grass stanzas, those were my favorite. and I get what you're saying about ES.

mm that's all I've got. sorry. I'll do better next time.
love dead like a crushed fly

for those of you who said you'd be interested in hearing my lyrics put to music- I started work on recording an album, if you get in touch with me pm or otherwise I'd be more than happy to fill you in
#21
Quote by #1 synth
Mozart?!?! what the hell are you on? I'm even better than Mozart! All he was was just a short British Tool bent on nothing but buttsecks and Lord Of the Rings Action Figurines. And Beethoven, if that is his real name, couldnt tell a conchairto from a Scandanavian waltz. Word on the street is that they both were lipsynching their symphonys and they sampled from P. Diddy


I had forgotten about them good call


*concerto.