#1
hey, some new stuff here, at first i wrote that, it was a poem, now im thinking to change it into the song, so tell me what do you people think about it? and yea, im not sure about the title, so tell me if its not matching, and as we say CRIT 4 CRIT!

I'm sitting on the freezing floor
I am so cold
I'm totally alone
I'm staring at the slamming door
I have no will, no strength to moan.

My fingertips are almost dead
My body's frozen, my blood is still
A wicked thought is passing through my head
I need some help, cause i cant kill.

I pray to God, he'll give me wings
So I can fly away
His mind is full of other things,
he thinks that I can stay.

The frost have covered all my lips,
Last glance into the misty skies,
I've closed my eyes, I've closed my mind
Immortal was all lies.

And I'm so cold, I'm totally alone,
I'm staring at the opened door
I see the angel as the floor gets warm
And i dont want to moan.



thats all, be free to crit, comment and whatsoever
Last edited by Sveta at Aug 12, 2006,
#2
hmmmm.... I think it's a notch or two above the average... Here's some changes to make it more song-like...

I'm sitting on the freezing floor
I am so cold I'm totally alone <supposed to be like this?
I'm staring at the slamming door
I have no will, no strength to moan.

I'm sitting on the floor
cold and alone
staring at the slamming door
have no will or strength to moan

My fingertips are almost dead
My body's frozen, my blood is still
A wicked thought is passing through my head
I need some help, cause i cant kill.

My fingertips are almost dead
body's frozen, blood is still
wicked thoughts pass through my head
I'm in need of help, cause I can't kill

I pray to God, he'll give me wings
So I can fly away
His mind is full of other things,
he thinks that I can stay.

I pray to God, to give me wings
so that I can fly away
His mind is on other things
thinks that I can stay

The frost have covered all my lips,
Last glance into the misty skies,
I've closed my eyes, I've closed my mind
Immortal was all lies.

The frost has covered my lips
a last glance to the misty skies
I've closed my eyes, closed my mind
Immortal was all lies

And I'm so cold, I'm totally alone,
I'm staring at the opened door
I see the angel as the floor gets warm
And i dont want to moan.

I'm so cold, all alone
staring at the opened door
I see the angel as the floor warms
and I don't want to moan

Just my suggestions, use them if you like.. if not, that's cool too... I think that removing some of the "I's" and "my's" adds to the quality more, something I've had to do in the past... makes it a little less repititive.. anyways, good job...
#3
I agree with a-user-name. I find in these kind of poems and such, it is best to attempt to take out any direction in the subjects, like dropping as many first, second and third person words as possible, so it holds a more general quality. I really like the "Staring at the slamming/open door thing", but I'm not sure how I like the rhyme pattern changing in the 4th and 5th quatrains. ABAB is so beautifully simple, whereas in ABCA it is sometimes even hard to notice the A's rhyming, so it doesn't have the flow. Still, nice poem.
#5
thanx for the corrections, i will keep dem in mind!
anyone else would be kind to comment please????
#6
I could definitly see this work better as a song, first of all. Its pretty good as is, but it doesnt really sound as much like a poem as like a song IMO. Someones probly going to say that your rhymes werent great but I thought they conveyed the message well and they didnt seem forced or anything. Also, the name fits the song ok, but just "cold" would sound better IMO.
#7
....yea,i see "Cold" sounds better as for the title, thanx!
anyone else will be so cool to throw some crits or comments here????
#8
Some people have mentioned rhyme here, but I'd advise that you think about not using it. It may benefit such a piece as this, especially as it has a rather broken tone.