#1
This song is basically influenced by the first line of Alexisonfire's "Rough Hands". I would love to know what you think of it.


Have I been left behind?
The hallway is long, bare and bright
A fly slowly meanders across the barren room
The buzz from it's wings is the only sound i hear
And I haven't seen a soul since sunrise

I have to do something
The latches are all fastened and the windows boarded long ago
The stairway leads to nowhere
This bed feel like the home I never wanted
and this house the home i won't leave

The empty room seems to grin and jest
at this fate of mine

She calls it love but i see it as abandonment
I watch her shape grow smaller
She isn't coming back this time
The creeping vines make their way along the walls

The boards are cold and unyielding
All i wish is to feel the sun warm my face
or the breeze ruffle my hair and tug at my clothes
I'd love the feel the sand beneath my feet
or the waves wash over me

The empty room seems to grin and jest
at this fate of mine

She calls it love but i see it as abandonment
I watch her shape grow smaller
She isn't coming back this time
The creeping vines make their way along the walls

It doesn't matter
I'm not home
#2
I don't know the song by alexisonfire unless it's on watch out so I don't know how close yours is to it but here goes.

Solid start with the first verse but I'm struggling to understand the flow but it probably has its own melody that you sing it to.

I really enjoyed the second one with the talk of the stairway.

The empty room seems to grin and jest
at this fate of mine

That bit is great, I can imagine a breakdown and then a cut of all the instruments for a passioante scream.

All i wish is to feel the sun warm my face
or the breeze ruffle my hair and tug at my clothes Great contrast here, I thought,'Oh no!' when I read the sun bit but then I was immediately stammering my apologies after seeing the next line.


Solid until It doesn't matter
I'm not home


Please don't end an epic like this on that. Maybe leave out either one of the breakdowns?

Anyway, enjoyable even for someone like me who likes political/social lyrics.
#3
I really liked it

And i totally agree with that dude^^^

Its a solid piece

Your use of detail is amazing

you really paint a good picture of whats going on

and yeah it is kind of alexisonfire-y

Nice work

Check out mine if u can

Its in my signiture, Nightmares like Clockwork
Blah.
Last edited by JeffJefferson at Aug 12, 2006,
#4
wow, that is good! first time i read it i couldnt really get the flow, but then it was all cool.I like the ending and some particular phrases.
Crit ma new thing if you can, peace
#7
Solid piece, willtheworld.

Very nice imagery, generally good, strong writing. Just needs a better ending.

I'm going to have to keep an eye on you, you seem an interesting writer.
#9
Alexis fucking rule. Hehe, been listening to the leak, have we?

Have I been left behind?
The hallway is long, bare and bright
A fly slowly meanders across the barren room
The buzz from it's wings is the only sound i hear
And I haven't seen a soul since sunrise
Good descriptive work. Sets scene.
Nothing special 'bout the diction or rhyme, though. I guess a little minimalism is appropriate, though.


I have to do something
The latches are all fastened and the windows boarded long ago
The stairway leads to nowhere
This bed feel like the home I never wanted
and this house the home i won't leave
Capitalise your "I"s. Ok, basically more narrative. I dislike the repition of home.
Maybe you could substitue "abode" in or something.
Normally I'd hold the lack of rhyming against you, but since this is Alexis-inspired I can understand...



The empty room seems to grin and jest
at this fate of mine
I don't get why the start of some lines are capitalised and then some aren't. Meh, minor point. This line isn't bad, but, I just can't imagine a *room* grinning!

She calls it love but i see it as abandonment
I watch her shape grow smaller
She isn't coming back this time
The creeping vines make their way along the walls
I like this. Especially the vines. Good imagery. Represents a lot, the passing of time, for one. Dunno about the "she calls it love" part, though. I guess it's true to the circumstamces or whatever.

The boards are cold and unyielding
All i wish is to feel the sun warm my face
or the breeze ruffle my hair and tug at my clothes
I'd love the feel the sand beneath my feet
or the waves wash over me
Good stanza. Nice contrast with the situation you've painted hitherto. The imagery is only okay, though. It's a little commonplace, but it's honesty seems to shine through. Heartfelt, I guess.

The empty room seems to grin and jest
at this fate of mine

She calls it love but i see it as abandonment
I watch her shape grow smaller
She isn't coming back this time
The creeping vines make their way along the walls

It doesn't matter
I'm not home
Well, seems like maybe it does *matter*, but, yeah. I'd probably consider removing the second last line. I guess it conveys some feeling of hopelessness, though.

This was okay, on paper. The narrative aspect is good and the emotional aspect is strong. Emotive writing.
I don't know what general advice to give...I guess just the points I touched on above. Maybe some richer, more unique imagery next time. Ask yourself how appropriate and true your similes are. Maybe some rhyme (up to you, it's just my preference).
I don't really know what else to say, so, thanks for the comment on mine and bye!
Ro
ρ
#10
"She calls it love but i see it as abandonment
I watch her shape grow smaller
She isn't coming back this time
The creeping vines make their way along the walls"

I liked that, it really brought everything together and showed that feeling of desperation that you seem to be trying to convey.