#1
You said you saw it soar across the night sky
Like a bead of hope glowing brightly
It was nothing like you'd seen before
But it made you feel whole again
I'm sorry I never believed you
You had the reputation of being a f*cking liar
And I took it to heart
What I wouldnt do to take it back
To have you back in my arms again
But times change with the passing winds
And now every passage I write breathes vengeance
My pen is my sword
And I drive it through your heart with every word
Hope is a word took likely
Hope leaves you for dead
And before it goes it leaves you screaming
'Take me home...'
Blah.
#2
i didnt really get how to read it right, you've got some not well rhyming over there.....
I like some phrases though like "bead of hope", "times change with passing winds", or "my pen is my sword"...they are interesting, anyways if you getta chance to crit ma stuff, always welcomed!
peace
#5
First off, Sveta- No piece of writing needs to rhyme. Sooner you learn that the better.

Right, the piece. I thin kit started strong, but by the end I think you had a few too many ideas going at once for the tone to keep it's tone. The last four lines, I think, you could probably just throw away, they're not needed. Especially "Took likely". Do you mean "took lightly" or making up some phrase or something ?

My other point would be to keep a careful eye on your I/Me/You/My use, there's basically one every line here- it needs some re-wording to get rid of that, as it can get tedious with an overuse of those sort of words.

So, yes, a good base to start from, and with some tightening up and defining of the tone and message, you could have a good piece there.

If you'd like to critique back, my lastest is in my sig. Many Thanks.
#6
Ho ho ho i think i have a possible nomination for writer of the month here, after reading your other piece, and then this one, im very impressed. Im going to undermine Jammy here by saying i feel there isn't too many ideas in this.

But however what you do - do, is make too sharp a transition, when you begin the writing images its just too big a step from the previous lines, what are the passages you write, and where? You just need to get that point across to solidfy the images that are going on. Do that and then you'll have a damn solid piece, with such a simple piece, yet complex in its content, its like a story of someone remembering where they were when Roswell happened, like everyone knows where they were during 911. Its just one of those things. Very nice piece, again.

You have a very obscure style that is very detatched and accessable by all. I like it.

peACE
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#7
lol thanks

you've stated everything i was trying to do with this piece

and yeah i thought the transaction was a bit swift too

but i found it fitted easily without over doing it
Blah.