#1
Hey, I'm back, good to see you all again.

I think I went and wrote something like 35 pieces in the 2 weeks I was away, so here's one of the ones I've typed up so far. Plenty more coming this way.

I'll critique yours if you critique mine

Enjoy

EDIT: Edited very very slightly, thanks Daemonika :P And CJW


Blackened clouds on a november eve
Lightning thunders near the big oak tree
A lonely atheist tries to believe
It's all hopeless when the rain falls

Laughing host slowly mops her tears
The strongest man gives in to his peers
An AA meeting packed full of beers
Cos all is hopeless when the rain falls

Harder and harder it becomes to bear
Lashings of rain
Lashings of pain
So ready yourself on the floodplains
Cos harder and harder the rain falls down

Two girls in love go their seperate ways
The latest gadget goes and gets re-phased
We might not see the sun for days
Hopelessly praying when the rain falls

Seven dwarfs fail to walk on tall
Heavy metal doesn't break a wall
The net shrinks as you kick the ball
It's all hopeless when the rain falls

Harder and harder it becomes to bear
Lashings of rain
Lashings of pain
So ready yourself on the floodplains
Cos harder and harder the rain falls down

See you in the sunshine
Hibernate your mind
I'll see you in the sunshine
On the otherside

Parting clouds give way to the light
Warring worlds decide not to fight
Peace and love prosper through the night
It always stops raining for a while

Just gotta wait it out
Just gotta wait it out
Just gotta wait it out
Just gotta wait it out
Last edited by Jammydude44 at Aug 12, 2006,
#2
Quote by Jammydude44
Blackened clouds on a november eve
Lightning thunders near the big oak tree
A lonely atheist tries to believe
It's all hopeless when the rain falls

Good opening. I like the feeling of, well, depression I think. It's a nice scene-setter.

Laughing host slowly mops her tears
The strongest man gives in to his peers
An AA meeting packed full of beers
Cos all is hopeless when the rain falls

I see where you're going with this now. I liked the AA bit, it's nice to see words and phrases not really know internationally, some nice little British things In fact, the AA line is more than likely very close to the truth.

Harder and harder it becomes to bear
Lashings of rain
Lashings of pain
So ready yourself on the floodplains
Cos harder and harder the rain falls

There aren't enough syllables in the penultimate line for flowing purposes, It needs just one or two more really.

Two girls in love go their seperate ways
The latest gadget goes and gets re-phased
We might not see the sun for days
Hopelessly praying when the rain falls

Great, just great. Second line is fantastic.

Seven dwarfs fail to walk on tall
Heavy metal doesn't break a wall
The net shrinks as you kick the ball
It's all hopeless when the rain falls

Great lines again. Does the wall refer to the Berlin Wall?

Harder and harder it becomes to bear
Lashings of rain
Lashings of pain
So ready yourself on the floodplains
Cos harder and harder the rain falls

See you in the sunshine
Hibernate your mind
See you in the sun girl
On the otherside

I'm finding it hard to give a decent crit now because you're such a good writer. There's a lot of emotion here, moreso than in the previous stanzas, and that all culminates in the final line.

Parting clouds give way to the light
Warring worlds decide not to fight
Peace and love prosper through the night
It always stops raining sometimes

I think changing sometimes to for a while may make more sense than it does just now. Apart from that, a good ending.


Just gotta wait it out
Just gotta wait it out
Just gotta wait it out
Just gotta wait it out


Great song, I have to say. Could you have a look at mine in my sig?
#3
man, this is pretty freakin sweet... I thought you perfect the first two verses.. I love the part about the ateist, and the AA.. very awesome. I can only repeat what Daemonika said about the chorus... 3rd verse is pretty good. The 4th is my least favorite of the verses, but it's not bad at all. I like the bridge, it's short but still good. The 5th verse is in the same form as the first 2, just perfect.. I like how it ends "it always stops raining sometime". Then you sum it up pretty well on the last repeated lines. Overall I thought it was pretty killer, definitely goes down as one of my favorite's I've seen on here. What kind of song is this musically? Anyways, good job...
#4
Greetings again, jammy.

I'm especially glad to see you've been lookin' at different structures and rhyme schemes, I believe that it really gives the piece a boost.

Overall, this is impressive for me. It's in a similar vein to a lot of songs, but is intelligent enough to be unique.

One thing:

I'd love to see you change ''See you in the sun girl'', to ''I'll see you in the sun.''

This is because it would make the piece more universal, which is how I personally believe it should be.

Good stuff.
#5
I really liked the song. I thought it was beautifully written. It flowed very well from start to finish and the language you used was excellent. Keep up the good work, man.

Crit mine please

Happily Ever After
#6
Thanks all, specially Daemonika and CJW.

Hell, this is a bump, but I ain't letting this get dragged down by several threads claiming to be "songs".

Please, critique for criqiue, I know there's people out that that want at this...
#7
I remember when you sucked seriously, you've grown so much as a writer and thats something to be proud of. I need to get back to this tonight or something cause I'm gonna go drink some 'milk' at the mall in a hopeless attempt to help my friend get a girl.
#8
welcome back man. i really enjoyed reading this, so sorry but i cant really say much more. cant see anywhere you went wrong or anything. ur a really good writer. thats it, cheap crit... (... and thanx 4 crit on mine earlier)
#9
i liked the verses alot, but i didnt really like the chorus much, it seemed so different from the verses to me.
Quote by allislost
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#11
It was great how the feeling of the song was depression and hopelessness, then you switched it around in the last verse. I also liked the metaphors you used, they workedd ace.

Feel free to crit any in my sig
#12
Blackened clouds on a november eve
Lightning thunders near the big oak tree
A lonely atheist tries to believe
It's all hopeless when the rain falls
The first two lines are pretty fragmented. I kinda dislike that...I'd try to avoid sentence fragments. "lonely atheist" makes a potent kind of statment...em, I mean, I guess atheism and loneliness gotta 'agree' to an extent.
Dunno what to make of the rhyme sheme...AAAB. I think it's kind of salvaged by the power of that last line "...when the rain falls". I'm not bowled over or anything, though...
I like the strong prescence of the imagery, anyway. Nice work there. The scene's set in no uncertain terms.


Laughing host slowly mops her tears
The strongest man gives in to his peers
An AA meeting packed full of beers
Cos all is hopeless when the rain falls
The first line confuses me. "Host"? If you mean that in the sense I think you do, shouldn't it be "hostess"?
The AA meeting thing seemed out of whack with what had gone before, in terms of style, or something. I guess, like, you'd cultivated that rainy, outdoor vibe in the first stanza and this felt, like I said, kinda incongruent or something. To me, at least...
Okay, sticking with the rhyme scheme, good-good. Again, powerful line to finish on, I think.



Harder and harder it becomes to bear
Lashings of rain
Lashings of pain
So ready yourself on the floodplains
Cos harder and harder the rain falls down
I dislike the first line. Inverted Yoda phrasing. It feels weak and forced, to me.
I guess the lashings "pain-rain" thing is a nice touch, but on the back of the cheap first line this kind of lacks credibility or something...feels slightly forced and too rhymey for my tastes or something...
I think "Cos" (which is spelled incorrectly and should have an apostrophe before it, i.e. "'Cause") feels out of whack with the rest of the piece so far due to its colloquial (everyday, casual usage) kind of feel. You don't that very formal, inverted Yoda phrasing and then a casual "cos" right after it. Unless it's some clever reference to the Cosine() of something?! Or unless you're trying to create contrast or something, which I don't think is what you're at. Maybe, I'd try to create a more cohesive (where everything kind of 'agrees') style.



Two girls in love go their seperate ways
The latest gadget goes and gets re-phased
We might not see the sun for days
Hopelessly praying when the rain falls
Good stanza. Nice consistency with the rhyme scheme. Especially if you're trying to convey some vague feeling that things happen, nothing changes.
"...not see the sun for days" is pretty potent line, too, I think.


Seven dwarfs fail to walk on tall
Heavy metal doesn't break a wall
The net shrinks as you kick the ball
It's all hopeless when the rain falls
Agh, to begin with I was always gonna dislike the AAAA scheme and I dunno, this stanza just kinda hit me and fell immediately flat on it's face. Made little sense to me. Sounded forced for rhyme as a result. Sorry....


Harder and harder it becomes to bear
Lashings of rain
Lashings of pain
So ready yourself on the floodplains
Cos harder and harder the rain falls down
Pretty much same story as the similar stanza from before.

See you in the sunshine
Hibernate your mind
I'll see you in the sunshine
On the otherside
Not bad. I guess the sentiment is clear in a good way. It's effective in that respect, I think. Kind of a message to it. Remember that doesn't really add to the aesthetic merit of it , though, i.e. how it reads, sounds, looks and more things that I'm not even savvy to....


Parting clouds give way to the light
Warring worlds decide not to fight
Peace and love prosper through the night
It always stops raining for a while
Again, more of a message going on here. Which is good. I think the second line was weak though. I mean, if they decide not to fight, they're hardly immediately warring, are they? Meh, not big deal. It's good. Reminds me of a lot of the kind of lyrics you'd find on Thrice's latest album.


Just gotta wait it out
Just gotta wait it out
Just gotta wait it out
Just gotta wait it out
Yeah, good. Repition's pretty suitable. Slow passing of time, etc.

Overall, I wasn't particularly moved by this. I like the message; I find it to be true.
The rhyming just looked so forced in parts. Some of the lines were just...mundane and not even for mundaneness' sake, either (I think?). It's okay...
I'm sure what general advice to give....just keep at it, I guess.
Sorry if my critique is a pile of horseshit. I think this is the first time I've critted your stuff, so...hi! Thanks v much for the comment on mine.
Ro
ρ
#14
Quote by Jammydude44
Hey, I'm back, good to see you all again.

I think I went and wrote something like 35 pieces in the 2 weeks I was away, so here's one of the ones I've typed up so far. Plenty more coming this way.

I'll critique yours if you critique mine

Enjoy

EDIT: Edited very very slightly, thanks Daemonika :P And CJW


Blackened clouds on a november eve
Lightning thunders near the big oak tree
A lonely atheist tries to believe
It's all hopeless when the rain falls
Great imagery but i don't like the third line much - too literal. The rest though was a great intro.
Laughing host slowly mops her tears
The strongest man gives in to his peers
An AA meeting packed full of beers
Cos all is hopeless when the rain falls
Brill
Harder and harder it becomes to bear
Lashings of rain
Lashings of pain
So ready yourself on the floodplains
Cos harder and harder the rain falls down
Good but i wasn't overly keen on 2nd and 3rd lines for some reason.
Two girls in love go their seperate ways
The latest gadget goes and gets re-phased
We might not see the sun for days
Hopelessly praying when the rain falls
Great.
Seven dwarfs fail to walk on tall
Heavy metal doesn't break a wall
The net shrinks as you kick the ball
It's all hopeless when the rain falls
And again.
Harder and harder it becomes to bear
Lashings of rain
Lashings of pain
So ready yourself on the floodplains
Cos harder and harder the rain falls down
Same as before.
See you in the sunshine
Hibernate your mind
I'll see you in the sunshine
On the otherside
Not bad, not great but it did give me a good feeling.
Parting clouds give way to the light
Warring worlds decide not to fight
Peace and love prosper through the night
It always stops raining for a while
Ok, but didin't like "warring worlds decide not to fight at all", change it!
Just gotta wait it out
Just gotta wait it out
Just gotta wait it out
Just gotta wait it out



Nice one JD.
#15
not to contradict caz or nothing but i like that line, the one about the warring worlds

EDIT: oh, i put up Scene 2 on my The Other Side... thing, can you take a look? please
Last edited by AmplifySilence at Aug 14, 2006,
#16
I gotta say, i loved this one. Especially the 'two girls in love....' verse. I also don't know if this is what you meant at all at the ending, but I liked how you used 'for a while', it leaves the song kind of ambiguous, in that you're implying that most likely things will get bad again eventually. Or whatever problems still lie under the surface, it reminded me of the ending of the movie Blue Velvet, if anyones seen that.
#17
Blackened clouds on a november eve
Lightning thunders near the big oak tree
A lonely atheist tries to believe
It's all hopeless when the rain falls
Powerful line here, the flow is amazing, but the big oak tree part seems a little forced. But thats just me.

Laughing host slowly mops her tears
The strongest man gives in to his peers
An AA meeting packed full of beers
Cos all is hopeless when the rain falls
Good verse here, don't really have much to say, but I do like the repetition of the last line.

Harder and harder it becomes to bear
Lashings of rain
Lashings of pain
So ready yourself on the floodplains
Cos harder and harder the rain falls down
This kind of has like a chant like flow to it, I dunno, you know like you picture like some voodoo person or tribe of indians dancing around and singing it. Maybe I'm just weird.

Two girls in love go their seperate ways
The latest gadget goes and gets re-phased
We might not see the sun for days
Hopelessly praying when the rain falls
I loved this verse, until the last line, i think maybe it disrupts the flow or something.

Seven dwarfs fail to walk on tall
Heavy metal doesn't break a wall
The net shrinks as you kick the ball
It's all hopeless when the rain falls
Again I love the repetition of the last line, the first 3 lines sound a bit like a nursery rhyme.

Harder and harder it becomes to bear
Lashings of rain
Lashings of pain
So ready yourself on the floodplains
Cos harder and harder the rain falls down

See you in the sunshine
Hibernate your mind
I'll see you in the sunshine
On the otherside
Good line here, I can't really say much, but i keep thinking of that one song, can't remember what, the one that goes "ill see you on the otherside"...dont know if thats good or bad.

Parting clouds give way to the light
Warring worlds decide not to fight
Peace and love prosper through the night
It always stops raining for a while
Good line here, seems to resolve the whole issue.

Just gotta wait it out
Just gotta wait it out
Just gotta wait it out
Just gotta wait it out
I dont really like this as an outro or anything, but if you really like it, keep it.


There you go, if you have time, wanna check out mine? its the first link in my sig.
thx
#19
I probably owe you like 3 bazillion crits for all those that you have given me, but this will have to do for now.

Blackened clouds on a november eve
its nice context and all but nothing really out of the ordinary that would make this a true entrancing intro, cause if the reader isnt moved by your intro (or even your first line) they're going to be less inclined to check out the rest (though I'm sure you know this )
Lightning thunders near the big oak tree
this was done very well with the whole 'lightning thunders' bit but I still believe you could have left a bigger impact if it didnt strike 'near' the big oak tree but rather 'through' or something, I just feel it needed a little more umph

A lonely atheist tries to believe
I hate this line I'll just tell you that, I absalutely despise it, change it please. However, I do wish to comment on your rhymescheme thus far; its brilliant, not forced in the least though I would want to see some more internal rhyme...

It's all hopeless when the rain falls
meh, I like the message but the wording leaves alot to be desired.

Laughing host slowly mops her tears
too abstract, now dont get me wrong I love abstract ideas and symbols, hell thats all most of what I write is, but this isnt abstract in a multi-faceted way, more of in a 'just there' kinda way.

The strongest man gives in to his peers
An AA meeting packed full of beers
it sounds amateur, like one of those random punk songs that pop up on here. I mean its different because I can tell your a good writer and your flow is fairly good, but just the idea of peer pressure and problems via addiction (yes, I know there is a greater meaning to that line) just makes you seem borderline juvinille. Also, the AAA rhyme scheme kinda pissed me off, and not in a good way, I was much more taken with the beggining

Cos all is hopeless when the rain falls
the cos ruins your prowess of a writer and I'm going to have a hard time taking what you say seriously in this piece after that line. Its unecesary poor grammer, this, without a doubt is the antithesis of what you want to do if you want a completely solid critique and response

Harder and harder it becomes to bear
sounds like broken english, poetic for the fun of sounding poetic

Lashings of rain
Lashings of pain
c'mon, Lashings of pain? seriously? I didnt think that you would sink to that kind of cliche phrase...

So ready yourself on the floodplains
I enjoyed this line immensly

Cos harder and harder the rain falls down
same comment on both the theme and use of 'cos'

Two girls in love go their seperate ways
The latest gadget goes and gets re-phased
scattered thoughts all based on a loose theme=not good

We might not see the sun for days
your third lines continue to leave me impressed, they are, for some odd reason the best in the piece

Hopelessly praying when the rain falls
meh, its an alright tie in, not bad by any means

Seven dwarfs fail to walk on tall
Heavy metal doesn't break a wall
The net shrinks as you kick the ball
It's all hopeless when the rain falls
I Hated this.

Harder and harder it becomes to bear
Lashings of rain
Lashings of pain
So ready yourself on the floodplains
Cos harder and harder the rain falls down
same as before

See you in the sunshine
Hibernate your mind
I'll see you in the sunshine
On the otherside

Parting clouds give way to the light
Warring worlds decide not to fight
Peace and love prosper through the night
It always stops raining for a while

Just gotta wait it out
Just gotta wait it out
Just gotta wait it out
Just gotta wait it out
I have the same comments for the rest of the piece


Overall: it is in my personal view and i was taught this by WIll himself, that many scattered thoughts that wrap themselves loosely around an abstract theme sheltered away in its own little symbol cant create a very good piece. Thats really all i see here, random ideas and phrases held together vaguely by an idea and rhyme scheme... And I wanna like this piece, I really do, i love the theme, but the other content just doesnt support it. Sorry for being so harsh and I was only able to tear you apart like this because of the amount of growth you have had as a writer and how good you are now

PM me when you put out another piece.
#20
I love it. It had an odd rhyme scheme, but still made since and wasn't forced. The opening was great. and it didn't let down for the rest of the poem. Great...excelent job. I really enjoyed reading this.
#21
HEy you critted one of my pieces back in june and i never returned the favor after saying crit for crit, so here's the long over due return.

I really liekd the piece as a whole. only problems were these two stanzas which i felt were weak.

"Two girls in love go their seperate ways
The latest gadget goes and gets re-phased
We might not see the sun for days
Hopelessly praying when the rain falls

Seven dwarfs fail to walk on tall
Heavy metal doesn't break a wall
The net shrinks as you kick the ball
It's all hopeless when the rain falls"

they seem unrelated ot me atleast. where as all the other lines in the other tanzas were related in some way. and the second stanza i mentioned i wasn't big on the tall wall ball falls rhyme scheme. it made it seem more childish if you will.

but other than that i really liked this piece. Except i really liek the rain, what do yo uahve something against it or something?

also like to point out that lightening doens't really thunger.... more of flashes and thunder booms if oyu will. but iu liked the use of the two stroms words to compliment eachother.

If you wouldn't mind..... here
Can you see in the dark? Can you see the look on your face?
Last edited by furtherfan21 at Aug 14, 2006,
#23
Blackened clouds on a november eve
Lightning thunders near the big oak tree
A lonely atheist tries to believe
It's all hopeless when the rain falls

Nice opening. It's good to keep it simple at the start. I don't see what an atheist would be trying to believe, but I assume it's going to get there.

Laughing host slowly mops her tears
The strongest man gives in to his peers
An AA meeting packed full of beers
Cos all is hopeless when the rain falls

Irony is cool when used in moderation. I do this a lot, too, and it gets old pretty quick. Not bad, and I see where you're going, but I hope it doesn't stick to this format the whole way.

Harder and harder it becomes to bear
Lashings of rain
Lashings of pain
So ready yourself on the floodplains
Cos harder and harder the rain falls down

"Floodplains" sounds a lot cooler than you'd think it would. Probably because I've never heard it before . Anyways, nice deviation from irony. You haven't tried anything too outstanding, but it's solid so far.

Two girls in love go their seperate ways
The latest gadget goes and gets re-phased
We might not see the sun for days
Hopelessly praying when the rain falls

Me gusta lesbians. Not much to say here. Predictable, but solid.

Seven dwarfs fail to walk on tall
Heavy metal doesn't break a wall
The net shrinks as you kick the ball
It's all hopeless when the rain falls

And the well has run dry. I'm not even too sure this stanza makes sense.

Harder and harder it becomes to bear
Lashings of rain
Lashings of pain
So ready yourself on the floodplains
Cos harder and harder the rain falls down

See you in the sunshine
Hibernate your mind
I'll see you in the sunshine
On the otherside

Parting clouds give way to the light
Warring worlds decide not to fight
Peace and love prosper through the night
It always stops raining for a while

Just gotta wait it out
Just gotta wait it out
Just gotta wait it out
Just gotta wait it out

Out of laziness, I'm just going to skip these last few bits. I think it was solid overall, but you really stretched out some filler in a few places, and the irony theme got thin pretty quickly. It was solid in some places, boring in others. As a whole, it's strong, but upon further inspection, it could use some work.
-Landon
#25
Fairly simply done, which is great, as you don't fall into the trap of wasting words. I agree with Daemonika to the letter, otherwise I would have certainly given a full crit. You write very well, I've enjoyed reading each of your pieces and you seem to grow as a writer with each one.
"You can never quarantine the past."
#26
Quote by Jammydude44
Hey, I'm back, good to see you all again.

I think I went and wrote something like 35 pieces in the 2 weeks I was away, so here's one of the ones I've typed up so far. Plenty more coming this way.

I'll critique yours if you critique mine

Enjoy

EDIT: Edited very very slightly, thanks Daemonika :P And CJW


Blackened clouds on a november eve
Lightning thunders near the big oak tree
A lonely atheist tries to believe
It's all hopeless when the rain falls

this part seems a little forced, especially the "big oak tree".

Laughing host slowly mops her tears
The strongest man gives in to his peers
An AA meeting packed full of beers
Cos all is hopeless when the rain falls

this part is pretty good, i dig "laughing host" a lot, i just cant really decide if i like the AA part or not.

Harder and harder it becomes to bear
Lashings of rain
Lashings of pain
So ready yourself on the floodplains
Cos harder and harder the rain falls down

i really dig this part, the lashing couplet is cool, but rhyming "pain" with "plain" seemed a little easy for me, and it ultimatley brings the stanza down a bit.

Two girls in love go their seperate ways
The latest gadget goes and gets re-phased
We might not see the sun for days
Hopelessly praying when the rain falls

i dunno, man. this one seems really weak to me, like filler. no sun for days, though, is a cool image.

Seven dwarfs fail to walk on tall
Heavy metal doesn't break a wall
The net shrinks as you kick the ball
It's all hopeless when the rain falls

i guess it's just me, but seeing "seven dwarfs" and "heavy metal" in the same stanza kinda throws me off. the third line's metaphor is really strong, but i would bet my bottom dollar that some re-phrasing would make that a ****in gem..

Harder and harder it becomes to bear
Lashings of rain
Lashings of pain
So ready yourself on the floodplains
Cos harder and harder the rain falls down

See you in the sunshine
Hibernate your mind
I'll see you in the sunshine
On the otherside

this is cool. i dig it hard.

Parting clouds give way to the light
Warring worlds decide not to fight
Peace and love prosper through the night
It always stops raining for a while

again, very cool, but "through the night" is a line that we've heard a hundred times, and it seemed to be another filler line.

Just gotta wait it out
Just gotta wait it out
Just gotta wait it out
Just gotta wait it out

the last line of the stanza before this one really just makes this one excellent. very good coherance.



well dude, this is some solid work youve got, and the only thing to make it better is some more writing and experience. my grade? a very very high C+.
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