#1



There's a certain, nervous excitement in the never-quite-
Known nuances of affection's potential inditements.
Shirt-sleeves sharing a makeshift church without a word brush,
In a fleeting embrace that celebrates the communion of sacred skirmish.

We need no wavelength for converger
Nor radio's catalytic conversation,
We tore down all the old, static furniture;
Our aesthetic's the absence of decoration.





_______________________
Uh, I used a word that's not really a word. I wanted to try a little bit o' wordplay in this, I guess. The meaning's pretty evident, though. Can I call it a neologism? :\
I'm still not so happy with this...hoping to improve it somehow. I had a lot of alternative versions of it, with a few words and lines added on / taken out, but I couldn't make my mind up what to use...Eventually I settled for what you see now. So if anything seems amiss do tell me and maybe I can revert to one of my changes to fix it, etc...
Ro
Last edited by scousertommy at Aug 22, 2006,
#2
Okay, seeing as that I know this is good piece even if is above me, You've had no replies and need a bump

I believ that middle stanza is a fine piece of writing. It read like a dream. I mean, the whole thing did, but the second stanza was fantastic. Top notch, IMO.

But for me, the last stanza kinda felt- lacking. I didn't like the rhyming there, and I kinda felt it was a bit that may need changing- I dunno if you had an alternativ last vers, but to me that was the main part I had a problem with.

All in all though, Nice job. I know from other's reactions to your work you're a good writer, and the flow and diction in this showed me why. Good stuff.

If you want, my latest is in my sig
#3
I always like reading your work.

(Here) we are vibrant.
We breathe art, sleep thinking,
Eat hunger and drink enlightenment
In our spacious 'gregation of linking.

how perfect is this? answer: very. but I'm not going to leave it at that. there's 'written perfectly' and then there's 'nothing in the world could make that better'. I can't even think what to write. I cna't explain why I like this so damn much. It's just when I read it, I know every word is in it's right place, and it's incredible. Sorry if I sound kinda... um... yknow... but wow.

There's a certain, nervous excitement in the never-quite-
Known nuances of affection's potential inditements.
Shirt-sleeves sharing a makeshift church without a word brush,
In a fleeting embrace that celebrates the communion of sacred skirmish.

I don't really get the comma you use in the firs tline between "certain" and "nervous"... are you going for an effect or something? ANyhow this is again true perfection. I won't ramble on like I did before

We need no wavelength for converger
Nor radio's catalytic conversation,
We tore down all the old, static furniture;
Our aesthetic's the absence of decoration.

This reminds me of the last of yours I read; the bit with the radio and wavelength and stuff. Not that that's important I just felt like pointing it out
anyhoww... againb lovely. Sorry I can't find anything else to say about this! You should writer less well then I could give you a more full crit haha

(We come mute to our apartment.)
Eerie and yet satisfying ending. Good job.

I like your style one of the most on here. Absolutely fantastic.
Quote by Kensai
Maybe you've heard what the ladies say: "Once you go 77mm you don't go back"
#4
you are honestly my favorite writer on UG, whenever I see something posted by you I immediately start to read it and think 'o man, he's gonna drop the ball on this one and I'll be able to write a good crit and tear him apart' and yet you never do. This in paticular was awesome, everything came together in a medly of flavors, like cherry garcia or cherry coke and rum. You also have included 2 themes that I have been trying to perfect in my spare time (static and noise) and have beat me over the head with them, punching my proverbial nads over and over and over and over... but in a good way. Does that help you understand how great this is? I could keep going if need be...
#5
To follow suit, I don't think I had much to say negatively on this one.

Perhaps the last line of the second stanza is too long. It seems that way when I read it now, but that might have been your intention, to go with convergence etc.

I did especially enjoy your use of the variation of rhyme, altogether adding up to another good piece from you, mate.
#6
hey.
I really liked this too, the imagery was really great and the rhythm of it was, as has been said, very dream-like. I enjoyed.
I also enjoyed that we both have a song called Our Apartment, but mine is nothing like yours, haha. Luckily I can post mine without it seeming to be ripping you off. haha.
Good job dude, I liked 'er.

- PunkFish
#7
Wow, what can I say. You fit words together and make magic. This is seriously good. Since I am kinda new here ima go back and find some more of stuff.

Feel free to crit any in my sig
#8
Neologism/neology same thing, it is.

I did feel upon first read that this was lacking something, parts sounded too diverted towards the mis-en-scene than anything. And all together perhaps slightly disjointed, as you said it would be, the difference in each stanza gave me that initial impression, but the more i read it, the more the ideas come together to form the sum of the piece. I guess the only part that sounded lacking was the opening stanza, its a cleverly worded part, that i feel is utterly different to the rest of the piece, in its approach and imagery, not neccessarily content. And thus would seem to fit better in another poem. Theres no "but" there i've decided, thats where I think this piece lacks, the narrative is complete with just S2 and S3, so that only leaves out S1. I know it does work as an opening, but it doesn't feel 100% right to me, but thats just it, it is me, so dont dwell too much.

peACE
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#9
Yeah originally this piece was just the the second and third stanza on their own, but for some reason I wasn't satified...I thought maybe I should add. But then I was never convinced stanza 1 was that thing that needed adding, so, maybe I should've omitted it. I'm gonna edit s1 out, let it sit for a while and see how I feel.

I also had this really repetitive, rhythmic fourth stanza but I thought afterward that it grated horribly so I kind of just plucked that final silver line from it and left it.

I was kinda trying to break back into eloquence a little here, so...yeah. Just a little context for ya.

Thanks muchly for the crit man.
Ro
P.S. I dunno if you caught it but I took a look at Khizennia Voda there a while back. It sunk pages down the forum pretty quick though, so I dunno if you missed or not!
Slán
ρ
#10
Incredibly well done. I wish I could say more, but there's not really a lot. You write well, and effectively, and I suppose that while that isn't really constructive, at least you know that you can more than hold your own as a writer.

Alex
"You can never quarantine the past."
#11
I did liek this piece. everything about it i thought was great. the word choice and the flow. just made it beautiful. I liked the second stanza alot. just hte way you described everything i felt was amazing. I really liked this piece.
Can you see in the dark? Can you see the look on your face?
#12



There's a certain, nervous excitement in the never-quite-
Known nuances of affection's potential inditements. Just a, "wow" opening.
Shirt-sleeves sharing a makeshift church without a word brush, Bit more baffled about this but it's still well done.
In a fleeting embrace that celebrates the communion of sacred skirmish. Good.

We need no wavelength for converger
Nor radio's catalytic conversation,
We tore down all the old, static furniture;
Our aesthetic's the absence of decoration.
Pretty damn much perfect this stanza.
(We come mute to our apartment.)
Didn't like this end though.




_______________________
Uh, I used a word that's not really a word. I wanted to try a little bit o' wordplay in this, I guess. The meaning's pretty evident, though. Can I call it a neologism? :\
I'm still not so happy with this...hoping to improve it somehow. I had a lot of alternative versions of it, with a few words and lines added on / taken out, but I couldn't make my mind up what to use...Eventually I settled for what you see now. So if anything seems amiss do tell me and maybe I can revert to one of my changes to fix it, etc...
Ro

Whether you're happy or not, a great piece.

Can you look at my latest in my sig please?