#1
<3 vs. Modern Romance

Maybe when your ice blue eyes
Thaw to green
There will be time to believe
You're worth my time
But you're just black and white
A dulled down shade or streak
Of light that will fade by tomorrow

This spectrum of emotions
Fades into gray
(You're not worth my time)
And babe, you're just another
Notch on my arm

Maybe when this white light divides
There will be a reason to
Open our eyes
Burning sunlight to thaw the ice
So we can feel again

This spectrum of emotions
Fades into gray
(You're not worth my time)
And babe, you're just another
Notch on my arm

From stillness or motion
You're making me sick
(So press your lips to mine
For love and lust)
From the chill inside your eyes
My skin is numb
(So press your body to mine
For love and lust)

(For love and lust)

As the spectrum of emotion
Fades into gray
As the streak of light that you are
Begins to fade away
I know this isn't what I wanted
I want to feel again
And all the colors mix together
And I'm only seeing red.

Rock On
Newest Lyrics:
[url="http://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=727775[/url"]Pattern Recognition

Short Stories:
Anniversary
#2
Quote by Petey Cook
<3 vs. Modern Romance

Maybe when your ice blue eyes
Thaw to green
There will be time to believe
You're worth my time
But you're just black and white
A dulled down shade or streak
Of light that will fade by tomorrow

Good start, although I think the flow could be improved upon. Or maybe add some rhyme or internal rhyme just to make it tick along a bit better.

This spectrum of emotions
Fades into gray
(You're not worth my time)
And babe, you're just another
Notch on my arm

Solid, but unspectacular. Didn't take to the spectrum of emotions line for some reason.

Maybe when this white light divides
There will be a reason to
Open our eyes
Burning sunlight to thaw the ice
So we can feel again

Onc emore I'm going to bring up the flow issue, because I really do feel that this piece is kind of plodding along. The only thing I can think of is that it's matching up with the grey/dull words used earlier in the piece, If that's not what you were going for then I thin kthe flow needs improvement.

This spectrum of emotions
Fades into gray
(You're not worth my time)
And babe, you're just another
Notch on my arm

From stillness or motion
You're making me sick
(So press your lips to mine
For love and lust)
From the chill inside your eyes
My skin is numb
(So press your body to mine
For love and lust)

Probably the better part of this. Stronger feeling with the brackets. Second line really adds to it, good job.

(For love and lust)

As the spectrum of emotion
Fades into gray
As the streak of light that you are
Begins to fade away
I know this isn't what I wanted
I want to feel again
And all the colors mix together
And I'm only seeing red.

Meh. I just didn't like the ending. Kind of felt predicatable and underhelming when I got there.

Rock On


Sorry, I guess this just wasn't my cup of tea. I felt you cold have made this alot stronger in meaning, and I reallt felt it lacked a certain sparkle.

Good Luck.

If you returning, my latest is in my sig. Many thanks if you get round to it.
#3
okay.........i hate the last last line "and im only seeing red"....and i mostly agree with the dude above^^^.....
Maybe you just try to fix some rhymes to make a better flow???
actuall the only thing i liked was that phrase: "as the spectrum of emotion fades into gray"
be cool critting ma songs too, peace
#4
Thanks, fellas.

Rock On
Newest Lyrics:
[url="http://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=727775[/url"]Pattern Recognition

Short Stories:
Anniversary
#5
Jammy's advice about puttin in some inner rhymes would certainly make it more soothing to hear, and you could probably just go over it, add a few words here, take a few out or what not just to make sure it flows seemlessly or close to it. Professional songwriters go on and on about how important it is to keep it flowing and the rhymes clean. As for the spectrum and part and the seeing red, just keep using your creative mind like you did here and after some trial and error you'll get better at expressing yourself like that, keep creating.
#6
To be perfectly honest, "Professional Songwriters" are probably either a) normal songwriters who somehow end up on the radio or b) people who write for others, which means people not worth respectiong. But yeah, thanks for the advice. If I ever TRY to become professional, you can shoot me. But I'll also try and remember your advice.

I am rehashing these lyrics, so don't think that I'm getting all "you don't understand my art/I'm pretentious and your advice is worthless." Just the way you said it about "Professionals." There are no professionals, if you ask me, just those who get heard and those who don't.

Rock On
Newest Lyrics:
[url="http://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=727775[/url"]Pattern Recognition

Short Stories:
Anniversary