#1
Edit: i updated the first and last verses a bit.

Many miles away
a mother prays for what is real
praying for her son, but she doesn't know
he'll never leave the battlefield

Many miles away
a sailor is lost at sea
drowning and holding a photo
of his wife and newborn baby

Many miles away
a child is caught stealing bread
his starving body weak, his punishment strong
his hand cut off, that's what I read

And I sit at home
watching the TV all day
I see all this but it's alright
Because it's many miles away

But many miles away
she sits alone praying on repeat
and mother, it's not alright
because I won't see you in a week

crit for crit for sure
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Last edited by aetherspear at Aug 14, 2006,
#2
you've got a pretty good conept hear I think... now, is this a poem or a song? If it's a poem, I think it's pretty good. If this is a song you're writing, it has a flow problem I think. It would need some revising, some filler words added or some words removed or something. I like the 4th stanza the best, I think it's the most true. The 3rd could be good, but I think the 3rd line messes it up a little. All in all, it's a pretty good piece... if it's a poem, it's fine. Song, maybe needs some work.. either way, good job overall.
#3
Nice idea, I thin kyou almost got the execution right, but the ending muddled me.

But many miles away
you sit alone with your sorrow
and it's not alright
because I won't see you tomorrow

So far, the piece had been showing potential, highlighting problems and then going onto to say it's alright, it's not my problem, it's miles away. But then this ending seems to turn it into a love song, because you end with "I won't see you tomorow". I think you need to change the ending to really show th epoint your making, and not miss the point entirely, like you have with how it ends currently.

Goo dluck with ths, I like the theme and the message.
#4
I like the concept, its sad, but it is a real issue. Good job.
#5
i agree with Jammy about the last line, its like talking about a totally different thing then the rest of the song. And also yea, some probs witha flow cause of rhyming. And i also wanted to suggest something, for example in the part:
And i sit at home
watching the TV all day
i see all this but its alright
Because its many miles away.

....instead of alright you can use "okay"
i think the meaning will stay and the rhyme will be better, and u wont have repetitions then.
what i like is the title actually
anyways, peace