#1
Hello, I'm a Japanese an am trying to write a english song for my band so here's the lyrics. Crit for crit yeah? Say say say.


take it back those tales you've told before [it's too late now]
run ragged place yourself in solitude 
take it back or i'll expose it once and for all [it's too bad]
dr jekyll and hyde must be proud like a broken tool 

few words can be described as to how a couple can cause a wave
of chained reactions and mighty believable myths. [finally you lost the war]
your intentions are clear by the scruff of the neck, almost painless but toying
time to find roof in one's soul

please and let me open up this wrist, force you in within and keep it sewed
then know how solitude feels with 4 walls as they're closing in on you
remember to keep warm as its winter here forever


pig tails and longbows for perfectionists
too much make-up invites bugs instead
blonde, black and a pack of prawns
i'll check with the bartender and force ember with budweiser

cheese cake and beef steak's an attraction
as are kidneys high up in demand
look underneath it all
is that look really what you depend on for 
future press elections and pageants? 

take a look at those sheeps
look deeper to find it
isn't it ironic
how reality kicks into gear

but if you find it
a few decades like a few minutes
like learning physics through hitler
then you'll be sober

chorus
the overcalculated measure of disease i'd been put through 
distraught discomfort, its anticipating
how my life turned out, how i fought the 'oh my gods'

pause it play it, then dissipate it, 
its true you were just playing
with my guts

bridge
stop toying with my guts [im placing it in a well]
its still high in demand [high in demand]
but if you put up a show again [which you will]
no darkside will save me from this kiss [its so easy to run riot]

a beautiful crystale, a mere illusion
it was so real, like a new resolution
swept my feet, lose dignity
can you feel your back as it starts to burn?
Last edited by carousel at Aug 13, 2006,
#2
its really poetic... i dont know how it would fit drums and guitar etc. but if you could that would sound pretty good. although bear in mind that you cant really expect a crowd to remember your chorus as the words are fairly complicated. but other than that good job!
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#5
It is poetic, you seem to have a style of your own. I don't know a whole lot about hardcore, and its kinda hard to tell how well it flows because.. well with hardcore you might be able to make it flow fine.. i dunno. And about the words in the chorus, some of them are complicated but I think people would catch on, but it is important that people do catch on to the chorus. Also, might be a typo but..

"take a look at those sheeps"

The plural form is sheep without an S.
#6
Quote by yunxtr
It is poetic, you seem to have a style of your own. I don't know a whole lot about hardcore, and its kinda hard to tell how well it flows because.. well with hardcore you might be able to make it flow fine.. i dunno. And about the words in the chorus, some of them are complicated but I think people would catch on, but it is important that people do catch on to the chorus. Also, might be a typo but..

"take a look at those sheeps"

The plural form is sheep without an S.


Thanks, I think I'll work on the chorus and make it less complicated.

About the sheeps, ahah, I'm still learning this language. Thanks alot!
#9
Quote by jimbobcook183
bear in mind that you cant really expect a crowd to remember your chorus as the words are fairly complicated. but other than that good job!

that's my comment also

....and yeah,another thing.....you being a Japanese I wanted to ask you if you now about Mucc ....I heard Daikirai and Mama,and liked it very much.especially daikirai
.....i'm gonna capture a gideon
#10
I read it as poetry so I don't know if thats what you were after but it sounds pretty good. Seems abit too complicated to be a hardcore song.

Feel free to crit one in my sig