#1
This is my first time posting, and actually the first song I've written with full lyrics and music. Constructive criticism is greatly appreciated, thanks.


Verse 1:
Spent all our precious time wasted
Why don't we try to face this?
This feeling just cannot be ignored
The memories fade to nothing
And still we look back for something
A part of me's burning to break forth

Pre-Chorus:
We say that we know right
Still how did we lose sight
Our ambitions dissipating
We don't even know why
We recreate those lies
And now our light is fading out...

Chorus:
We know that what builds us is tearing apart
The ruins we left behind
What makes us is breaking our hearts
And it opens our eyes
Now we see that we went the wrong way
Was it all in vain?
Never in vain, the blood from our veins
Never the same... again

Verse 2:
Picking up pieces falling
A voice in my head is calling
Out for me to just let em go
"What good would it do to rebuild
Something so fragile again?
I'm just letting you know"

Bridge:
All that we have
To show for it all
The lessons we learn when we fall
Without those moments where we were
Bleeding to death on the floor...
Would we know what we stand for?
#2
Hey,
Great song, i liked it all apart from the line in the chorus, "the blood from our veins". it didnt seem to fit to me
You should perhaps record it and put it up here so we can listen to it. Just be sure to datemark or copyright it just incase as you never no whether people might steal your creativity.
#3
Quote by yunxtr
Verse 1:
Spent all our precious time wasted
Why don't we try to face this? that was a bit too vague for my liking.
This feeling just cannot be ignored
The memories fade to nothing
And still we look back for something
A part of me's burning to break forth not bad, actually. So far, for your first full song, it isn't that bad.

Pre-Chorus:
We say that we know right
Still how did we lose sight The syllables match perfectly in this couplet. There is one little nagging doubt in my mind. I think you should just slot in an extra syllable in the second line so it flows better. As it is, I have to pause after the second line's opening word.
Our ambitions dissipating
We don't even know why
We recreate those lies This line is too short to be a foloow up to the previous one.
And now our light is fading out...

Chorus:
We know that what builds us is tearing apart
The ruins we left behind
What makes us is breaking our hearts
And it opens our eyes
Now we see that we went the wrong way
Was it all in vain? Great flow up 'til this point.
Never in vain, the blood from our veins
Never the same... again I don't like the vain, vein rhyme. They sound identical. It's still a good ending to the chorus.

Verse 2:
Picking up pieces falling Looks to me you jumbled that line to compromise the next one.
A voice in my head is calling
Out for me to just let em go Didn't like this line at all. Redo this line completely.
"What good would it do to rebuild
Something so fragile again?
I'm just letting you know" I suppose this is the voice in your head. Who is the voice actually talking to?

Bridge:
All that we have
To show for it all
The lessons we learn when we fall All OK here.
Without those moments where we were
Bleeding to death on the floor...
Would we know what we stand for? Good ending.


It was a good song, especially as it's the first you've fully composed. Some of it is a little suspect, especially verse 2.
#4
cool, thanks for the input guys. i like your sugestions. somethin i wanna ask you though, i had a hard time deciding what i wanted to title it, does the title fit to you guys?
#5
Quote by yunxtr
cool, thanks for the input guys. i like your sugestions. somethin i wanna ask you though, i had a hard time deciding what i wanted to title it, does the title fit to you guys?


Wasn't too keen on the title, to be honest. I had another look for a little phrase (preferably in the chorus) and the best I found was Never the Same.
#6
yeah that sounds better to me, i was thinking about that but... well anyways thanks, i think im gonna use that for now
#7
Quote by Dæmönika
Wasn't too keen on the title, to be honest. I had another look for a little phrase (preferably in the chorus) and the best I found was Never the Same.


Yes, i have agree.
#8
thx for the help, i made some adjustments. changed the 2 line of the 1st verse and the vein part.

"Spent all our precious time wasted
We hold onto time as it races"

"Never in vain, no pain no gain
Never the same again"


Not sure how the no pain no gain sounds singing it, looks like it would work.. still wanna work clearing up who the voice is and who its talking to, but so far i think you guys advice is polishin my song up, thanks!