#1
Hey, I was feeling kind of Social Distortion-esque when I wrote this, so it's got an obvious SD feel, but I dig it.

Verse 1
She was only 17 and when the sun rose in the morning
she was looking kinda scared.
But with her backpack at her feet and her thumb pointed at Heaven
she was off to find her dream.

Chorus
The Littlest Hobo ain't got nothing on this girl.
And the littlest runaway ain't lost
'til she wants to be found.

Verse 2
She saved her money for the plane to take her out to California
but when she got there it was wrong, so
With a few bucks in her pocket and half of a stranger's locket
she was off to find the rest.

Chorus
The Littlest Hobo ain't got nothing on this girl.
And the littlest runaway ain't lost
'til she wants to be found.

Bridge
When the angels sing, that's when you'll find her
Not just a homeless kid, she's also someone's daughter.
She's the president, the leader of the pack
She's a renegade, who's never looking back.

****
Let me know what you think, crit for crit of course.
#2
First of all, I like the way you used the inner rhyme..

"With a few bucks in her pocket and half of a stranger's locket
she was off to find the rest."

It kinda seems like the verses aren't quite flowing, I don't really have a feel for the rhythm, and you may wanna throw something in the chorus that rhymes, I've read a few songwrirting books and the writers emphasize the use of rhymes because its just more soothing to hear. There are a few songwriters that pull it off, I guess it depends on the song, but not very many do.
#3
Hey man, thanks.
Yea, it's tough to convey rhythm through jus the lyrics cause so much depends on how you sing it but I know what you mean.
And usually I do have closer rhymes, but this one I didn't much, but the way I sing the chorus, girl and found to basically create a near-rhyme. You'll just have to take my word for it though.
#4
yeah determining flow is kinda hard just lookin at it typed on the cpu, like me I sometimes throw an extra syllable in, but its squeezed in tightly with the rhythm. what would sound really good, i dunno if you wanna reword the first verse, but imo if you threw another inner rhyme in there where you had in the 2nd verse i think it would really tie it in. but thats just me, i'm a big fan of inner rhymes used properly.
#5
This was something very different, and to be honest well executed. I loved the narrative storyline feel to it, and the transitions that each stanza made. However I do feel that stanza 2 needs some refinement, the opening line is tongue-tying, and the second line reveals nothing that needs to be said, as well as being kinda bland. Whats wrong?
Based on this stanza i just feel you need to expand ever-so-slightly on the finer aspects of this piece, sure we have the story, but ask yourself do we really feel for the charater? To be honest i dont feel that until the final few lines, and if you want to capture the audience you need to get that emotion conveyed in the opening few lines.
Just a quick mention though on you structure, which i did think was flawless, the rhymes were subtle and flow was very easy to catch onto, with a good hook, you'll be flying.

peACE
Steve
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#6
hey thanks everybody. I know what you mean about not getting really to who she is until the end, but at the same time, I like the idea of just letting it build in people's mind of picturing this girl standing in the desert by the highway with her thumb out hitch-hiking and then when the image of who she is, is in your head, then through in some of what's going on in her mind. But I agree, a little more psychological development wouldn't be amiss. Thanks again.

Anyone else have any thoughts?
#7
^ this is a good piece, but just a suggestion on the development, I personally think you could extend the verses a little bit so as to explain certain events or feelings more. Because now, i think the only problem with the "pyschological development" is that it is way to vague until the very end of the thing. But thats just IMO.


Can you check out mine? its the first link in my sig
thx
#8
hmmm... not what I was expecting from the title (sounds like a funny song) but it was still cool.. I like the chorus, the verses are decent I think, and the bridge is possibly the best part of the song I think. Overall, I thought it was good.. nice punk song, nice to see a SD influence, that's cool in my book. Keep it up...