#1
Ok well , I'm new to the forum and pretty much guitar/songwritting. I've been teaching myself for about a year and a half and this is one of the first songs I've written. CC is much, much, much appreciated. :] Hope everyone likes it!!

Unstoppable

(intro guitar)

I am unstoppable...
Like a train filled with memories
A shadow
Or ghost with no name

(guitar)

I'm a man not a sparrow
I can't fly but I know where I stand
I'm a man not a puppet
No strings attached was the plan
(but then)

So many times
When the flowers would bloom
I would cry to myself
'Cause it reminds me of you
but now
don't be afraid
'Cause lifes moving along
Dreams never fade
We just learn to move on
I'm unstoppable

(guitar)

I'm a man not a memory
I'll stay and I'll leave when I choose
I'm a man not a trophy
You can win, but one you can lose
I am unstoppable...
I am unstoppable...
Last edited by Brokenkingdom at Aug 13, 2006,
#2
I thijnk it sounds i little too arrogant.
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#4
heh...kinda cheesy. Some advice: Stay away from so many "i am" or "i'm"
Originally Posted by evening_crow
Quoting yourself is cool.


WARNING: I kill threads.
#5
need work. I think your going for heavy, but sparrows arn't heavy. You still need to learn how to make comparisons that are stable and make sense. Your off to a good start though. The song would probably clock in at around 4 minuets which is good.
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#6
it needs work but if your aiming for a heavy or death metal, then nobody would understand you anyway unless they are an experienced metal head and picked up screamer metal as a second language, much like i have.
#7
Hmm well I was hopeing it would come across as something like 'the person will continue to live on and persue his dreams no matter what, but hes still just a man' It's played to a rather melodic sound with fingerpicking but is there maybe some lyrics I could change to make it sound less arrogant and more like I want it to? Like and line/lines in particular?

P.S. thanks for the comments!
Last edited by Brokenkingdom at Aug 13, 2006,
#8
I like the arrogance, I vote it stays. Like others said, some metaphors need work but i loved most of them.

Feel free to crit any in my sig
#9
To be honest although it appears arrogant, its not arrogance its determination, we all have that with something, so I feel slightly put out for the guy here, if im honest this is an excellent SONG, the ideas are covered in a manner befiting a song, and not poetry, although the images cover that illusion. Its very well written.

Cut the "but then" that is cheesy. And while the penultimate stanza is a bit cliche, its not so as to ruin the overall feel of the piece. The double move/moving is detrimental to that stanza however, so id fix that if you could, as for the rest it seems pretty solid, i think this would make a decent song. good job.

peACE
Steve
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.