#1
OK, I went on a roll a few days ago and wrote two poems/songs. I'll post the next one tomorrow. These aren't my best i believe but would like your opinion. Crit for crit for everybody. By the way, it probably isn't hard to see, but i would like to see what others get out of my poems.thanx


Somewhere in the Darkness

Somewhere in the darkness
we will find the light
and then maybe we can
distinguish wrong from right

In the vastness
of space and time
we lose ourselves
and cross the line

Look into our eyes
what do you see
Break it up, burn it down , take it out

Somewhere in the darkness
we dream with open eyes
Monsters in the closet
speaking silent lies
Break it up, burn it down , take it out
Somewhere in the darkness

Spoken with words
filled with lies
knock down towers
that destroy our mind

Look into our eyes
What do you see
Break it up, burn it down , take it out

Somewhere in the darkness
We dream with open eyes
Monsters in the closet
speaking silent lies
Break it up, burn it down , take it out
Somewhere in the darkness

Behind our eyes, in our mind
lies an evil, of particular kind
builds up towers, breaks down lives
Somewhere in the darkness

Somewhere in the darkness
we dream with open eyes
Monsters in the closet
speaking silent lies
Break it up, burn it down, take it out
Somewhere in the darkness

I would just like to say for any crits in advance so thank you everybody.
#2
This was pretty good, I loved the repitition of "Somewhere in the darkness", bringing it all back and making it powerful at the same time. Good job
#3
really liked this....the repitition of somewhere in the darkness is great, i love the line "we dream with our eyes open"........overall a really goood piece of work...cant wait to read your other stufff tomorrow....if you get the chance check out my newest song, seven years....
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#4
I LIKE THIS ONE... its like a mixer of optimistic and dark....really cool, great concept....awsome word choice..

peace out
UG's HIPPIE
#8
Yay, this is awesome.
This is so good, the way you made everything flow, just was awesome!
#9
I love the first two opening stanzas/verses. Also the repetition gets the message across well.
This is pretty much perfect, although it would take a certain type of person to love it, if you get what I mean. Universally everyone can say its good, but it would take someone indivdually to love it. I personally only like it and think its good, not that thats bad, hope I get what i'm trying to say across without sounding like a jackass.

Nice ryhming scheme to, flowed well.

Good job *Gives plate full of cookies*
.Brand New.Bright Eyes.This Will Destroy You.

THRRRRRRRREADKILLER!
#10
I'm going to boldly contradict everyone: I bloody hated it. It wasn't that you had bad ideas, in fact you had quite good ideas. It's just the way you wrote it in a horribly cliché manner. That's about it really... sort it out! However your flow was good though.

I hope you can overlook this pretty shite crit but there wasn't anything else to say about it, it was just too cliché.
Hope you can still return the favour though, in the crit. Cheers.
#11
ok, nothing great in the rhyme scheme but it works, and great flo so it really works, as for the words, awsomely done, very good, (i kinda dislike the use of monsters, kinda feels like cheating cause monnsters are already "scary" i guess, idk, just dont like monsters in songs i think but its alright in yours, the rest makes up for it, its not all about the monster)

crit back? check out the The Other Side.. thing in my sig plz