#1
The clinkclinkclink of a coin from pocket to ground echoes dismally,
A rather skinny sound, like anorexia of the air around us.
And once the coin, then the keys and with seeming sleight of hand,
This scuffed and aged wedding band, fuller, broader, looser.

And tiptiptiptoe to the lake
Last chance gulp
And home and dry safe
Wife I won?t be late.

Circling like vultures or something or other or else you?ll be cut off like the arm that wouldn?t do as told many dreams are said to unfold did you have the dream where you almost drowned under the weight of your own dreams?

And she found me, hanging from my own tie.
The above message scrawled on a sheet of paper on the study desk, lit by the light of the open door.

She didn?t know what I meant.

Come to think of it, neither did I.
"You can never quarantine the past."
#3
The clinkclinkclink of a coin from pocket to ground echoes dismally,
A rather skinny sound,<- Right there, awesome rhyme. Nice work. like anorexia of the air around us.
Heh, anorexic air, eh? Nice one.
This is great descriptive stuff.


I enjoyed the second stanza a lot. Not quite sure why, but, yeah. Strikes me as witty.

The run-on thing in the third 'stanza' is good, I guess, coneceptually(?), but it reads like a nightmare. Whether that's appropriate or not I don't know. I like the final line, anyway. Witty, again.

Haha, I like the ending. The end-rhyme is slightly delayed and in consequence is all the more satisfying when it comes.

I'm sensing satire...but of course I suck at deciphering definite meaning...care to elucidate?
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#4
Ta very much.
I kept trying to write an explanation and couldn't. So you'll have to settle for this:

The piece basically questions, through satire (as usual for me) whether the meaning behind artful and complictated lyrics is sacrificed for the sake of writing something arty and clever...it sounds very petty but I'm sure you'll know what I'm getting at.

Please people, tear it apart. There's layers.
"You can never quarantine the past."
#5
The clinkclinkclink of a coin from pocket to ground echoes dismally,
A rather skinny sound,<- Right there, awesome rhyme. Nice work. like anorexia of the air around us.


rhyming is awesome through the whole song,amazing...E.A.Poe style maybe


The end-rhyme is slightly delayed and in consequence is all the more satisfying when it comes.

absolutely....

...............great song!!
.....i'm gonna capture a gideon
#6
Thanks to all three.
I appreciate that I don't seem to be crit'ing anyone, will do soon I promise.
"You can never quarantine the past."
#7
It seems to me like the person who wrote this was just being pretentious, not sure it thats what you aimed for.

'like anorexia of the air around us'. One of the best metaphors i have read on here. Thats just magic.
The only crit i have is for 'Circling like vultures or something or other or else', maybe change it to 'Circling like vultures or something or other, else'. Seems like the 3rd or doesn't fit in, but I am prolly wrong.

Awesome job and feel free to crit any in my sig
#8
Yeah, you've basically got it.
Thank you very much, and I will surely get to one of yours in due course.
"You can never quarantine the past."
#9
Quote by broken_bottles
The clinkclinkclink of a coin from pocket to ground echoes dismally,
A rather skinny sound, like anorexia of the air around us.
And once the coin, then the keys and with seeming sleight of hand,
This scuffed and aged wedding band, fuller, broader, looser.

Ha, brilliant rhyming early on there. "anorexia of the air" sounds great. I'm not sure about the last two lines, not sure of the meaning, because nothing seems to happen in them, it seems to be describing objects. so I' not sure baout them. But great use of adjectives and description.

And tiptiptiptoe to the lake
Last chance gulp
And home and dry safe
Wife I won?t be late.

Again with the nice, patient sort of rhyming. Good stuff.

Circling like vultures or something or other or else you?ll be cut off like the arm that wouldn?t do as told many dreams are said to unfold did you have the dream where you almost drowned under the weight of your own dreams?

Meh, I didn't fancy this bit at all. I guess it's a hit or miss sort of stanza, and it missed for me, I'm afraid. Seemed unnecesary.

And she found me, hanging from my own tie.
The above message scrawled on a sheet of paper on the study desk, lit by the light of the open door.

She didn?t know what I meant.

Come to think of it, neither did I.

Nice (not exactly nice, but you get my drift) ending. Good last rhyme, eventually.


Another impressive piece, Alex. Not too much to complain about, I liked it, minus the one stanza. Good job.
#10
I think you're right about stanza 3. I know what I was trying to do, but, with hindsight, it works better without. Thanks.
"You can never quarantine the past."