#1
Crit for Crit here.
Hey Everyone, this would be the second part, well third part actually, of my series of songs, but this is kind of a filler piece, I have another piece that would fit in without this one, so this is kind of a test to see if you guys love it or hate it lol.

Verse1:
I am the ring placed on her finger
The smiles come unbidden to her face
And the uncertain feeling in her chest
The creature that never seems to rest

I am the gold chain around her neck
The laughter that echoes hollowly
And the apprehension rising high
The animal that never seems to die

Prechorus1:
I was born by a twist of fate
My conception your honest mistake
And I am growing slowly, rapidly
A mystery as I mature in you

Chorus:
Held together closely
Not by each others? arms
But by my unseen presence
A blessing and a harm

Verse2:
I am the note slipped inside his bag
The blink of his eyes from their surprise
And the now unsure stumble in his step
The secret out from the cage it was kept

Prechorus1

Prechorus2:
You two who are so innocent
Unaware of my own existence
Until I creep up silently
An invader of your harmony

Chorus

Verse3:
I am the touch between the both of you
The shock that mimes electrocution
And the bonding of your heart and soul
The two halves made into your one whole

Prechorus1

Prechorus2

Prechorus3:
That makes you something horrible
Horrible and yet so beautiful
A commitment of eternity
Made possible by me only

Chorus
Last edited by AAA_the_band at Aug 14, 2006,
#2
The metaphors in this are great. 'The shock that mimes electrocution', That line really struck me.
Great work, I say keep it


Feel free to crit any in my sig
#3
ok i just spent 20 minutes giving you a full out crit, then the window froze up. dammit. ill do it again tomorrow lol. in short: song creeped the f.uck outta me, but was really, really good. ill go into more detail tomoorrow. 9/10.


"cant go back" if your bored.

i dont really deserve it though, this is a lame crit. ill fix it up tomorrow. but now, its naptime lol

#4
Quote by AAA_the_band
Crit for Crit here.
Hey Everyone, this would be the second part, well third part actually, of my series of songs, but this is kind of a filler piece, I have another piece that would fit in without this one, so this is kind of a test to see if you guys love it or hate it lol.

Verse1: Ugh, please lose that habit of labelling verse's etc.
I am the ring placed on her finger
The smiles come unbidden to her face
And the uncertain feeling in her chest
The creature that never seems to rest

Pretty solid start.

I am the gold chain around her neck
The laughter that echoes hollowly
And the apprehension rising high
The animal that never seems to die

Feels like line 3 was reworded purely for the rhyme. But I do like this ABCC structure, a nice change.

Prechorus1:
I was born by a twist of fate
My conception, our honest mistake
And I am growing slowly, rapidly
A mystery, as I mature in you

Chorus:
Held together closely
Not by each others? arms
But by my unseen presence
A blessing and a harm

I would love to see you have a crack at a bigger chorus than this. It's brief and not powerful enough to have a chorus-like effect. supersie it, make it really the focal point of the song.

Verse2:
I am the note slipped inside his bag
The blink of his eyes from their surprise
And the now unsure stumble in his step
The secret out from the cage it was kept

Once more, prety solid.

Prechorus1

Prechorus2:
You two who are so innocent
Unaware of my own existence
Until I creep up silently
An invader of your harmony

Good.

Chorus

Verse3:
I am the touch between the both of you
The shock that mimes electrocution
And the bonding of your heart and soul
The two halves made into your one whole

Excellent..

Prechorus1

Prechorus2

Prechorus3:
That makes you something horrible
Horrible and yet so beautiful
A commitment of eternity
Made possible by me only

Good.

Chorus


Probably the best I've seen from you. I would recommend you work on your chorus though, get away ffrom four line chorus', try and make a decent centre-point for your song.
#5
its good,ill full crit for ya l8r, now I'm on a ipaq and its hard 2 type, so ill get on my cpu l8r, but ill say its good 4 now
#6
Quote by AAA_the_band

Verse1:
I am the ring placed on her finger
The smiles come unbidden to her face
And the uncertain feeling in her chest
The creature that never seems to rest

im not a huge fan of the last line. it seems rather fake to me. the entire stanza, actually, seems a bit on the forced side, yet at the same time gets my thinking wheels going.

I am the gold chain around her neck
The laughter that echoes hollowly
And the apprehension rising high
The animal that never seems to die

this is good. some good metaphors in here. im not a fan of ABCC patterns normally, but it works well here.

Prechorus1:
I was born by a twist of fate
My conception our honest mistake
And I am growing slowly, rapidly
A mystery as I mature in you

Love it. Love it Love it Love it. but seriously, what? this has me thinking a ton, and also has me rather confused. wonderful imagery and metaphors. this will leave me thinking

Chorus:
Held together closely
Not by each others? arms
But by my unseen presence
A blessing and a harm

this is allright, your average well written chorus. it doesnt leave me WTF is he doing, and nothing bites me in the ass as the next line to be on AMI profiles everywhere. sturdy chorus here.

Verse2:
I am the note slipped inside his bag
The blink of his eyes from their surprise
And the now unsure stumble in his step
The secret out from the cage it was kept

this brings in a whole new dimension. again wonderful metaphors. its open to so many ways of interpretation. good flow to it too.

Prechorus1

Prechorus2:
You two who are so innocent
Unaware of my own existence
Until I creep up silently
An invader of your harmony

OK, this creeped the f.uck outta me. what the bloody hell. wonderful, absolutely wonderful.

Chorus

Verse3:
I am the touch between the both of you
The shock that mimes electrocution
And the bonding of your heart and soul
The two halves made into your one whole

again, creepy dude. im still trying to figure out what this is about. great writing.

Prechorus1

Prechorus2

Prechorus3:
That makes you something horrible
Horrible and yet so beautiful
A commitment of eternity
Made possible by me only

i would use this as the ending, building up a cresendo here, and not use the chorus again. this is a very, very strong stanza, one that is probably my favorite in here. good job. kudos.

Chorus



all in all, a very good, yet very, very creepy, poem/song. i liked it alot. my only problem is the use of possibly too many metaphors. there are so many open to so many different interpretations that if you are not on the same page throughout the entire song, you can get lost easily. i have read it 4 times now, and it makes more sense each time, as i think i know where your going wiht it. strong strong writing. 9/10.
#7
Verse3:
I am the touch between the both of you
The shock that mimes electrocution
And the bonding of your heart and soul
The two halves made into your one whole

I LOVE THIS VERSE!

all in all this is an awesome song, although worded like a poem it still feels it would flow well with a beat. (im singing it like oasis would just so you know)

i give it a 9/10 and believe me thats a high 9.
#8
I really disliked the use of hollowly i think that threw that whole stanza out of control.

"My conception our honest mistake"

Lack of punctuation makes it semi unclear at first glance, also our honest mistake i think it should be your honest mistkae. maybe.
Can you see in the dark? Can you see the look on your face?
#9
I really disliked the use of hollowly i think that threw that whole stanza out of control.

"My conception our honest mistake"

Lack of punctuation makes it semi unclear at first glance, also our honest mistake i think it should be your honest mistkae. maybe.

this is a nice piece>

At first i thought you were sort of going in a direction many have gone but the nyou changed it around a bit and made it less normal i guess is the word i am looking for. But over all i liked this piece it was good. and the metaphors were great.
Can you see in the dark? Can you see the look on your face?
#10
Great Metaphors really liked the idea and wordchoice....overall great song
Check for "Taking a Picture (Won't capture this)
#11
wow lol, thanks furtherfan for pointing that out about the "our" and "your" thing, i cant believe i didnt catch that when i was revising my grammar.
#12
Holy ****, that was the best and the scariest thing I saw on here. I would get that copyrighted, and make a demo with that
epiphone LP Custom
No amp yet, I just got back in the game.
Had a Gibson LP Studio, Mex Tele, Mex Strat, Blues Deville, and mg50. But thanx to my lovely wife, not locking the door, they all vanished
#13
its great, awsome man, i still like part 1 better, but this is good. (its prbly cause i dont relate anymore) enough has been saud by others i think, so great job
#14
I think its nice. keep going man... he he he you'll get better
seriously. not that this song is bad but....... yea..... keep going
I HAVE A BAND NAMED FALLING CONFESSIONS
AND I PLAY LEAD GUITAR
AND I P0WN!!!



"When there's a freakin' will, there is always a freakin' way!"
#15
A lot has been said about this already and I dont really have anything differant to critique, but my overall impression was that it was really good and well written, but nothing really seemed to stand out in it or connect to me. It wont take away from it as a musical song, but it just lacks that one part in the song that really stands out in your mind, well, my mind anyway. I wouldnt mention something like that to most writers, but this seems like pretty elevated writing so I thought I'd mention it. Very good song though.
#16
Nice. I like the change of perception from the usual he/she stuff. Good metaphors, and great structure.
-Landon
#17
millions of times better than the other two parts, I honestly hated them. This, this I could listen to. I'll be back with a true crit later when its not 3AM but you can just settle for this *bump* right now.
#18
i realized i promised a full crit
Verse1:
I am the ring placed on her finger
The smiles come unbidden to her face
And the uncertain feeling in her chest
The creature that never seems to restbrilliant

I am the gold chain around her neck
The laughter that echoes hollowly
And the apprehension rising high
The animal that never seems to diehm?... good too but not as much

Prechorus1:
I was born by a twist of fate
My conception your honest mistake
And I am growing slowly, rapidly
A mystery as I mature in youare you like telling your mom your conception was a mistake? obviosly, growing... maturing in you, so someone's obviosly pregnant

Chorus:
Held together closely
Not by each others? arms
But by my unseen presence
A blessing and a harmsorry, disliked the chorus but cant say why cause im not sure why, sorry for that too

Verse2:
I am the note slipped inside his bag
The blink of his eyes from their surprise
And the now unsure stumble in his step
The secret out from the cage it was keptby the way really like the rhyme scheme, this verse is decent, good enough

Prechorus1

Prechorus2:
You two who are so innocent
Unaware of my own existence
Until I creep up silently
An invader of your harmonyoh, i get it now, haha!! i got it man, so like shes pregnant, right? they were in live till she got pregnant, right?

Chorus

Verse3:
I am the touch between the both of you
The shock that mimes electrocution
And the bonding of your heart and soul
The two halves made into your one whole nice, really good

Prechorus1

Prechorus2

Prechorus3:
That makes you something horrible
Horrible and yet so beautiful
A commitment of eternity
Made possible by me onlyim right! no, doesnt relate to me anymore, thank god...

allright man, like already said really liked it, now i get it, guess i hadnt seen it closely enough, im right, right?

critting back? well too bad, got nothing new.
Last edited by AmplifySilence at Aug 16, 2006,