#1
Im wasting my time with you
Just for you
Ihave nothing left to do
Nothing but you

/Think me Neive/ /X8/

I care less then nothing
I bring it out
To sell it back to myself
I forgive for the death of the neive self I was

/IForgive me time and time again/2 or 3/

Do you love me
For my neive ways?
For the wasted days?
For the time I tried to kiss
And Missed
And kissed the tree?
Do you love me for this?
Or is it fake
A trick you make?
I'd still forgive
And give again
Im Still Neive

/Neive/ /8/
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Last edited by zekk at Aug 14, 2006,
#2
Im wasting my time with you
Just for you
I have nothing left to do
Nothing but you
I'm kind of tentative with this line, if you know what I mean, I mean, its got pretty good emotion and feeling in it, but the way you've presented it just makes my head scream cliche.

I care less then nothing
I bring it out
To sell it back to myself
I forgive for the death of the neive self I was
Nice flow here, and it "naive", not neive. Anyway, the only thing is maybe change the "self" in the last line to something else, because it kind of seems to interupt the rhythm.
I Forgive me time and time again
Meh, can't really say much here, kind of a nice filler.

Do you love me
For my neive ways?
For the wasted days?
For the time I tried to kiss
And Missed
And kissed the tree?
Do you love me for this?
Or is it fake
A trick you make?
I'd still forgive
And give again
Im Still Neive
This has got some pretty nice emotion in it, but you have GOT to change that line about kissing a tree, even if this is a little on the cliche side, it has a solemn ring to it, and the "oops i kissed a tree" sentiment totally ruins it IMO.

There you go mate, hope you can check out mine, first in my sig.
Last edited by AAA_the_band at Aug 13, 2006,
#3
Hola! This is a good simple song, kinda sounds like a blink182 song, I hope this is what you were going for.

Feel free to crit any in my sig
#4
Thank you will, Thank you AAA. I'll revise it tonight, and If im lucky I'll have another verision later tonigh tor tomarrow.
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#5
This song seems to lack metaphors, which isnt a bad thing, but I think it makes songs a little stronger. You kind of have everything up for show right on the table, if you know what I mean. I think you should hide the meaning a bit more, and make it a little more open to different interpretations.

The rhymes were a bit cliche, you/do ways/days etc.. The whole peice feels kind of weak. I just don't feel anything when reading it.

It is good that you presented your feelings the way you did through a song, I am assuming you are a beginner, so all I can say is keep writing and don't give up. You will get better with time. Overall, I give it a 6/10

If you could please crit my piece "Fall Of Dissapointment" it would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.
#6
rather strait foward. almost punk rock/ 3 chord rock? maybe? "I Forgive me time and time again"- great line. i laughed during the missed kiss part. it kinda gives you that embarrassed feel reading it, like ive missed before. i liked that. it was good. 7/10.

possibly give mine, "Cant go back" a crit? mucho gracias, and best of luck on your future writing endeavors
#7
15 minute reverision to fix a few pointed out errors, and other things I decided To change.

Hey
A ****ty Scrap Book Song
For idiots on Bong
And were telling it to tell you
Its true

/Think me Naive/ /X8/

I care less then nothing
I bring it out
To sell it back to myself
I forgive for the death of the naive I was

/Forgive me time and time again/2 or 3/

Do you love me
For my naive ways?
For the wasted days?
For the time I tried to kiss
And made the perfect miss?
Love me for this?
Or is it fake
A trick you make?
Id give again
Just to show you
Im still naive

/Naive/ /8/
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#8
EDit. Songname been changed to better fit the song.
Founder of UG's David Bowie Fan Club. Pm to join.

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