#1
So, I've been trying to write this for the past two months. I almost deemed it too personal to post here, and some of the previous versions sure were. Uhm. yeah. Hopefully it's enjoyed.


My head is oak
And my heart is bamboo

A transparent sapling
Acquainted with the somber gaze
Of a loop taped sunrise
Above blank skies dribbled in remorse
And effete remembrance

Stumbled in growth, its love
Fails like falling leaves, descending
And its sanity roused by
A bird perched stoic on my limb,
Initials cleaved in its skin

And dilating illusions
Delude my lull of serenity

I woke caught in branches
Of myself
And dressed in flesh of bark
Wishing for
The recur of fallen leaves

But I feel the coldest of days coming
And this once virile trunk splintering eternal
#2
too abstract for me. It would fit better on poetry.com or something. Seems like a free verse poem and not a song. I cant see any music behind this but a tamborine and some morracas.
If to live is to die, then is to die to live? Thats a bunch of S_H_I_T.
#3
so uh Ncsk8erdude, you have been on UG for over 3 years and yet you havent figured out that not everything posted in S&L are songs? weird.

anyway, *bump* for you and you'll see a real crit tommorow
#4
Just a quicky comment here-

Personally, I enjoyed it. You can see you've spent alot of time on this. I think the only thing I can try and say as a critique is that the first two line's are direct (although metaphors) with the I am and My heart is, and the rest of the piece kind of avoids that direct approach of self-addressing.

But this piece read great, a subtle rhyme or two, and some nice alliteration and assonance, none of which went to over the top for my liking.

So.. good job, and It's nice to read some more of your work, it seems to have been a while. Good job.

If you could get back, my latest is in my sig. Many thanks.
Last edited by Jammydude44 at Aug 14, 2006,
#5
yea, i agree with Jammy...
n okay, this piece is more kinda poetic but its great, really great the opt of words and the language itself creates a special feeling, atmosphere....thanx for posting nice stuff, see you around, peace
#8
Yeah I like this. Its a very nice read. And good metaphors. It seems like the first two lines were more blunt, but its good to do that some times for the rest to make sense. The only part that did not fit, or atleast to me was

And dilating illusions
Delude my lull of serenity


But besides that it was great.

crit mine please. https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=414495
#9
y'know, when I first read this I actually didnt like it, but as I reread it a good 4 more times I realized that its actually fairly brilliant and the only thing that made it appear awkward was the flow, but in actuality you used line breaks excelently and it was more or less my bad. I would still say that more punctuation should be added, but meh, thats up to your own personal style.

One thing that I would change would be the way you go about transitioning stanza's. going between the first and second stanzas was brutal and actually killed the effect of the first stanza, which was a great feeling {of mourning}. I could see a remedy for this being to seperate ideas with either different fonts, color, or bold/italics, but I believe you know what your doing as far as that goes so...

Overall, a great read and I do enjoy reading your stuff, you're actually one of the people on this forum that I sincerely look up to as a writer. Cheers on an excellent piece that I found to be more and more personal and relatable as I read it over and over and the real meaning sunk in. just beautiful stuff here.

if you wanna return: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=415442
#11
Kudos for extensive vocab use. It is therefore unfortunate that the constant use of such elaborate words and description occasionally choke the piece. I read a wonderfully simple piece today, and it reminded me that poetry does not need a massive vocab or extensive, original metaphor use to be effective.

Don't get me wrong, I don't think that this is badly written, quite the contrary. You write very well, it may well just be that the piece didn't appeal to me as much as it could, and I am the first to admit that I won't usually give it much more time and patience if this is the case.
"You can never quarantine the past."