#1
FIRST OF IM NOT EMO DONT EMO BASH ME.

everything you hear in this song are events in my life.


=====================================

Another lonely day of another lonely week.
15 years of hiding, an end is what i seek.
nothing lasts forever, but the one thing that we keep.
are the memories we share and the people that we meet.

(end of intro) (music starts)

I used to write poetry, until it became so sad.
I hid it in my closet so i dont drive myself mad.
I drew some creepy pictures of all the things i see.
But deep inside it hurts to know these portraits are of me.

(Chorus)
One hundred and seven pills to teach you all a lesson
The facts have been so obvious yet no one asked the question.
Whyd i never cry, always hide inside my room?
Moved my bed to block the door to make sure no one knew.

I pretend my mother loved me, she gave me no attention.
She probly never knew i ate my lunches in detention.
She never huged me tight, she left me all alone.
I didnt eat my dinner, untill twelve when she came home.

Ive only had one friend of which my storys i could share.
But then one day he moved away and didnt tell me where.
Ive been sitting he here on messenger, to wait till he logs on.
But when it reached two years I knew its been to f*cking long.

(Chorus)
One hundred and seven pills to teach you all a lesson
The facts have been so obvious yet no one asked the question.
Whyd i never cry, always hide inside my room?
Moved my bed to block the door to make sure no one knew.

=========================================

Obviously i lived, i shiver at night not cuas im cold but cuas i have something messed up with my blood, dont make the same mistake.

all crit is good crit so dont be afraid to say what u feel.
Last edited by I__guitarist__I at Aug 13, 2006,
#5
awesome! one thing that might be just a hair off is the line "i've been sitting here on messenger, to wait til he logs on" it seemed to literal, use different wording, SAME IDEA, different wording. another reason i say that, is because maybe not everyone knows what "messenger" is, or it might seem to technological. but that's just what I think, im not the voice for everyone. besides that, it was awesome...the whole time, i was thinking of the song as Staind type of music. (a good thing)

AXEVIPER
#6
I really like the overall feel of the song. The lyrics do seem to come from the heart. I have to be honest thou and say that the rhyme style became a little boring after awhile with the aa, bb, cc, dd, thing. I just felt like it was kinda boring. I use it in alot of songs but I generally only use it in moderation, usually for a catchy break.
#7
The rhymes at places were a bit weak in my opinion also the fact that it hard so much rnhyme really pulled away from this piece, i think it was interesting none the less. and the concept you tackled has been done before and been done in this way but everybody has an original word about it. I liked the bed blocking the door. I thought that was good.
Can you see in the dark? Can you see the look on your face?
#8
i like it. sounds like a good punk/alternative song to me. nice job. just a few words need to be added to make a smoother rythem (ok, i kno, i cant spell). like in your 4th line in your chorus... moved my bed to block the door to make sure no one knew... i think u should add 'that'... moved my bed to block the door to make sure that no one knew... but then again i could be hearing it differently then what u hav on ur guitar. either way, nice song.

-Ann
it takes randomness to be <i> cool <i>, kind of like tourettes on speed

Cartman - Whatever, whatever, I do what I want!!

Fender Strat Jimmie Vaughn Tex Mex
Peavey 112 EFX Amp
Drumset
#9
well, pretty good! but here are my critiques:
Another lonely day of another lonely week.
15 years of hiding, an end is what i seek.
nothing lasts forever, but the one thing that we keep.
are the memories we share and the people that we meet.
okay,good, specially two first lines, but two last ones arent really on the flow, depending on the way you sing them ofcourse. But i would take out all "the"s :
Another lonely day of another lonely week
15 years of hiding, an end is what i seek.
nothing last forever, but one thing that we keep
are memories we share and people that we meet
.
....and another thing i was goin to say is that the phrase "nothing lasts forever" is kinda well known and used old thing, just doesnt sound original to me.


I used to write poetry, until it became so sad.
I hid it in my closet so i dont drive myself mad.
I drew some creepy pictures of all the things i see.
But deep inside it hurts to know these portraits are of me.
last two stanzas are perfect i think, but first two-also something wrong witha flow, especially the second one, you can leave it as it is but its better to change:
i hid it in my closet so i dont drive myself mad
maybe: i hid it in my closet so it wont drive me mad.


One hundred and seven pills to teach you all a lesson
The facts have been so obvious yet no one asked the question.
Whyd i never cry, always hide inside my room?
Moved my bed to block the door to make sure no one knew.
this is VerY good, but 'a lesson' sounds strange to me...maybe 'the lesson'?

I pretend my mother loved me, she gave me no attention.
She probly never knew i ate my lunches in detention.
She never huged me tight, she left me all alone.
I didnt eat my dinner, untill twelve when she came home.
...nice...

Ive only had one friend of which my storys i could share.
But then one day he moved away and didnt tell me where.
Ive been sitting here on messenger, to wait till he logs on.
But when it reached two years I knew its been to f*cking long.
...i think its also v.good....and i like the idea with he 'messenger'
So, i think you've done a really great job man, thanx
i enjoyed critting your song

peace out
#10
Great song, the lyrics are really heartfelt. I wouldn't change a thing about the song.