#1
New song. yay! (not that im a good enough/ popular enough writer here to even be noticed, but w/e lol, tis all good) Basically, the last (i think 8th) stanza sums up this song. Im tired. Im sloshed. I want to go to bed. Its not even midnight. i wrote this in about 10-15 minutes, dry run, i moved around a bit of the stanzas to give it better flow, ill edit more in the morning. if you bother to read, i thank you from the bottom of my heart. leave me a title and/or a link and i will gladly return the favor in the form of a full-on crit.


So many things I should have said
Doesn?t really matter now
It?s all such a long time ago
And we both know
We can?t go back

And I ain?t proud to raise my hand to everything I?ve ever done wrong
Whispers never spoken
Dreams that never may come true
And we can?t go back, and we know it.

We know that we?ll never go back
And we can?t go back


To love to love again and live to love another
Like it was back then,
And go back to a time
When stars weren?t really stars but just a symbol of the heart
But we can?t go back

To remember each other, only as it was then
I have my regrets, yet you are not one of them
But we can?t go back

And we want to go home
Yet all the lovers have left town,
We wouldn?t recognize a dime
And we can?t go back.

Cause the office; it ain?t gold
And the streets are paved with s.hit
And even though we can?t go back
It?s alright, for now

And any thought I have right now
It isn?t worth a s.hit
Because I?m so completely f.ucked up.
Last edited by Zeus2716 at Aug 13, 2006,
#2
This is great. I really like it for some reason
'And I ain?t proud to raise my hand to everything I?ve ever done wrong' This line is great and it rings true, as does the rest of the song.


Feel free to crit any in my sig
#3
Quote by Zeus2716

So many things I should have said
Doesn?t really matter now
It?s all such a long time ago
And we both know
We can?t go back


This is kind of a weak intro I think, you should add some imagery in there. But you did a good job of setting it up so we know what it's about. I can feel the emotion while reading it though, and I get the sense this song is about a girl?


And I ain?t proud to raise my hand to everything I?ve ever done wrong
Whispers never spoken
Dreams that never may come true
And we can?t go back, and we know it.


I think the first line could be said differently, and a little more cleverly. Toy around with it for a bit, it has potential. I don't like how it is worded right now. The "whispers never spoken" line doesn't make much sense to me. Seems like you are trying too hard to poetic, if you could explain this to me maybe I could help you a bit more. The last 2 lines seem dull, but again show emotion. I can feel the pain while reading it.


To love to love again and live to love another
Like it was back then,
And go back to a time
When stars weren?t really stars but just a symbol of the heart
But we can?t go back


I really like the line about the stars. I think it is the best in the whole song. I am a sucker for stuff like that (look at my username ;p) but I really do think stars are a great metaphor for happyness, or in your case "the heart". Too each his own.


To remember each other, only as it was then
I have my regrets, yet you are not one of them
But we can?t go back

And we want to go home
Yet all the lovers have left town,
We wouldn?t recognize a dime
And we can?t go back.


Again with what I say earlier. The line about regrets has potential, but it just seems so blain as it is. Just mess around with the words a bit, keep it clever and interesting.


Cause the office; it ain?t gold
And the streets are paved with s.hit
And even though we can?t go back
It?s alright, for now

And any thought I have right now
It isn?t worth a s.hit
Because I?m so completely f.ucked up.


I think the cursing is a bit childish. I have nothing against it in songs, but it kind of feels out of place. Are the last verses screamed, or sung with more emotion? If so, then I could understand why all the sudden there is cursing.. but right now it just feels out of place. There are many other ways to explain how "****ed up" you are. Again, just mess around with it a bit.

Hope I helped some.
If you could please crit "Fall Of Dissapointment" (In my signature) it would be greatly appreciated.
#4
So many things I should have said
Doesn?t really matter now
It?s all such a long time ago
And we both know
We can?t go back


It really lays the point of what your trying to say, but the both in "And we both know,We cant go back" Kinda ruins the flow on the verse IMO.


And I ain?t proud to raise my hand to everything I?ve ever done wrong
Whispers never spoken
Dreams that never may come true
And we can?t go back, and we know it.


The use of "and" at the start kinda throws it off IMO. Also, it would be more powerfull to me if you had put a break inbetween "And I ain?t proud to raise my hand to" and "Everything I've ever Done". Also the last line would, IMO, ofbeen better broken in half and have the "And" removed, so it kinda reads as
"We can't go back,
We know it"

To love to love again and live to love another
Like it was back then,
And go back to a time
When stars weren?t really stars but just a symbol of the heart
But we can?t go back


As said aboive, the line about stars is the best in the song. But the first line could b rewritten to flow a little better and make more sence.

To remember each other, only as it was then
I have my regrets, yet you are not one of them
But we can?t go back

And we want to go home
Yet all the lovers have left town,
We wouldn?t recognize a dime
And we can?t go back.


Damn good potenitiol(Spelling...), but somewhat unorigional and the use orf "yet" kinda of throws the rhyme off.

Cause the office; it ain?t gold
And the streets are paved with s.hit
And even though we can?t go back
It?s alright, for now

And any thought I have right now
It isn?t worth a s.hit
Because I?m so completely f.ucked up.
Cussing seems out of place in this part of the song See if You can find another way to get those emotions out.

Hope I hgelped a we bit. I more or less had the smae to say as crashingstars.
Founder of UG's David Bowie Fan Club. Pm to join.

Founder of UG's "Rockers against being freakishly skinny" Club. PM to join.
#5
Crashing stars: thank you very much. you were right, it is about a girl, but not in the traditional sence guys write about girls. i know a girl sam, who is undoubtedly the most beautiful girl i have ever set eyes on, hotter than any celebrity you could name. she basically took me under her wing, and shaped me into the person i am. it was the greatest relationship i could ever have. we werent so much going ou, but we hooked up, had sex, and it was just part of our friendship. it was amzing. then after graduation (i am going to be a junior) she moved to california. the otherday i saw her, she came back for her brothers birthday, and i saw her, and we kissed and it brought back so many memories, and basically that is where this song comes from. a deep love that is still alive but will never be recreated.

upon further reading (i was quite wasted last night when i wrote this) iot is kinda choppy. i imagine i had a melody in my head writing it. i will probably revise it a bit.

as for the cursing: it is just sung with more emphasis, in the "streets are paved with sh.it" part, i imagine would sound better. and the last stanza, especially the "b/c i am so completely f.ucked up" part is b/c of just that: i was so wasted when i wrote it that really, nothing i wrote or thought at that time means anything or makes any sense, because i was so sloshed.

i willl get to yours. thank you very much for the crit


zekk: i will definately look into revising some of the wording, seeing as 2 ppl said it was choppy, plus i think i tis reading it sober, it proly needs to be changed a bit lol. thank you fro the input, but i dont think the cussing is going anywhere, its my fav part, a bit cyniccaly immature, really what i want in the end. thnak you very much for the crit, i'll get to yours very, very soon.
#6
like others said, the stars line was one of the best ones, but personally my favourite line was to love to love again and live to love another, I don't even know why I like that line so much, it just has a certain ring to it. Overall, it was pretty good, a few problmes with the flow but could easily be fixed up. I liked the repition, but i didn't think the one line should have ended in and we know it, I think it would be more effective if you had that line end in we can't go back, like the other verses. Heres a link to mine that you can crit if you like
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=413031
#7
Oh btw, im still waiting for you to go full crit mine, but no pressure lol.


So many things I should have said
Doesn?t really matter now
It?s all such a long time ago
And we both know
We can?t go back
Good kind of opening, the subject is a little cliche, and so is the way you've presented it, but its got a good feeling of regret to it that makes me want to read more.

And I ain?t proud to raise my hand to everything I?ve ever done wrong
Whispers never spoken
Dreams that never may come true
And we can?t go back, and we know it.
GOod verse here, but it has flow problems, maybe change up some of the syllables to make it match more, also it should be "dreams that may never" not "dreams that never may", unless im reading it wrong...

We know that we?ll never go back
And we can?t go back


To love to love again and live to love another
Like it was back then,
And go back to a time
When stars weren?t really stars but just a symbol of the heart
But we can?t go back
Stars and heart are two of the most overused words in these kind of songs, and everyone is guilty of using them, but you mixed them well here, also is it "live to love again" or love to love again?

To remember each other, only as it was then
I have my regrets, yet you are not one of them
But we can?t go back
Again, you have some flow problems, especially in the first two lines, i'd fix those up.

And we want to go home
Yet all the lovers have left town,
We wouldn?t recognize a dime
And we can?t go back.
Nice line here, it still has that lingering feeling of regret and sadness.

Cause the office; it ain?t gold
And the streets are paved with s.hit
And even though we can?t go back
It?s alright, for now
Meh, I'm not really a fan of swearing in songs unless it emphasizes something, so I do think that saying **** is fairly unneccesary.

And any thought I have right now
It isn?t worth a s.hit
Because I?m so completely f.ucked up.
Again the swearing doesn't do much for me, i'm not overly religious or whatever, but in songs i dont like it unless it actually has a POINT, and here i just cant see it.
#8
Quote by Zeus2716
New song. yay! (not that im a good enough/ popular enough writer here to even be noticed, but w/e lol, tis all good) Basically, the last (i think 8th) stanza sums up this song. Im tired. Im sloshed. I want to go to bed. Its not even midnight. i wrote this in about 10-15 minutes, dry run, i moved around a bit of the stanzas to give it better flow, ill edit more in the morning. if you bother to read, i thank you from the bottom of my heart. leave me a title and/or a link and i will gladly return the favor in the form of a full-on crit.

(good intro, sets mood of the song)

So many things I should have said
Doesn’t really matter now
It’s all such a long time ago
And we both know
We can’t go back

(I aint sounds too much like a hick, "and we know it" doesnt flow, if you left it off, the song would still sound great)
And I ain’t proud to raise my hand to everything I’ve ever done wrong
Whispers never spoken
Dreams that never may come true
And we can’t go back, and we know it.

We know that we’ll never go back
And we can’t go back

(nice first line,i love the second to last line...)
To love to love again and live to love another
Like it was back then,
And go back to a time
When stars weren’t really stars but just a symbol of the heart
But we can’t go back

(nice wording...)
To remember each other, only as it was then
I have my regrets, yet you are not one of them
But we can’t go back

(doesnt make much sence, add more content)
And we want to go home
Yet all the lovers have left town,
We wouldn’t recognize a dime
And we can’t go back.

(nice stanza, once again, aint sounds hickish)
Cause the office; it ain’t gold
And the streets are paved with s.hit
And even though we can’t go back
It’s alright, for now

(nice ending, leaves the audience wondering...)
And any thought I have right now
It isn’t worth a s.hit
Because I’m so completely f.ucked up.



just some constructive critisism....use it to make the song better if you want, or dont.its your song....but over all i really liked the song....especially since this all basicly happend to me......

keep on keepin on

peace out
UG's HIPPIE
#9
im not gonna crit that as everyone did and as im suppose to...no....!
i think its amazing...i enjoyed reading it, thanx