#1
Well, I've been meaning to writing something that wasn't a rap for a while and tonight I found inspiration. Well, as usual, I was out surfing the wild wonders of the Pit, at around 11:00 [EST] and came across the thread where you post your number for others to call you and leave a message ("Leave a UGer a Message!"). Well this one kid posted a number that began with 911, so I was like "Oh, I'll call this one", which I stupidly did. I guess the phone only picked up the first 3 digits, cause it called the police. After a couple seconds of "I wll rape you", and quacking noises, I finally realized it was, in fact, the police. I, of course, decided to tell the users on UG chat, and they all told me to wait outside. Well, the police station is only 5 minutes from my house, and after waiting for and hour, I came in. But, while I was out there, I wrote a song, based upon my expirience.
-------------------
Oh Shit, I'm Screwed

So I was talking to this kid online
Eleven o'clock, that was the time
We wanted to talk on the phone
He said to just call from home
I never should have dialed that number

Chorus
And I had to dial that number
And now the cops are coming over
Oh Shit, now I'm Screwed

Well that number contained 911
I guess he thought it would be fun
To see the cops on my lawn, at the crack of the dawn
Oh boy is my friend ever dumb

Chorus

Oh and next time I see that friend
I think that it will be his end
Oh for pulling that prank, his neck I will yank
And I'll mess him so bad he won't mend

Chorus
------------

There you have it. Its really a joke song, so you know....
Anyways, the underlines are where its spoken, not rapped, not sung, spoken flatly. Its gonna be to a single acoustic guitar, and it should be fun to do.

Crit for crit!

~Daniel
#2
cool man, really liked how it rhymed really well and made sense, kinda funny too..good job
Quote by Adrock1795
When you take a crap do you clean your ass siting down or standing?
Quote by Garret.
upside down
Quote by x_thurston_x
You're working for the government aren't you?
Quote by SkyValley
I don't have an ass.


#3
Yes, I like it. Sorry for offending you with our song, we'll still be your fan. This is cool 'cause we've been asking you to do a joke song and here it is. We've been planning to try our hand at a rap, so look out for that. Peace, WOODnotes
#4
Quote by WOODnotes
Yes, I like it. Sorry for offending you with our song, we'll still be your fan. This is cool 'cause we've been asking you to do a joke song and here it is. We've been planning to try our hand at a rap, so look out for that. Peace, WOODnotes

Hey man, its cool, just keep writing, and good luck at rap!
#5
man.. that's a freakin hilarious story. Nice to see a change of pace, non-rap joke song. It ain't bad, I like it cause of the story behind it. Most of it seems good to me, just one tiny suggestion...

Oh and next time I see that friend
I think that it will be his end
Oh for pulling that prank, his neck I will yank
And I'll mess him so bad he won't mend

I'd change the last two lines to something like "His neck I'll yank for pulling that prank/I'll mess him up so he won't mend".. just sounds better in my head. Anyways, nice to see something different, keep up the good work amigo.
#6
LOL i read about that in the pit. Funny stuff. This song will make me laugh. I wanna hear it when you do it.

Any chance you could crit something in my sig??
#7
when i read what you said before the actual song i was like "thats awsome", do you know the music this is if its not rap, i liked it man, (then i read the song and said the same thing)

hey im doing this new thing, its called The Other Side..., aint songwriting, ca you check it out in sig?
#8
Quote by AmplifySilence
when i read what you said before the actual song i was like "thats awsome", do you know the music this is if its not rap, i liked it man, (then i read the song and said the same thing)

hey im doing this new thing, its called The Other Side..., aint songwriting, ca you check it out in sig?

Yeah, I've written music for it, like I said acoustic guitar, major chords, chromatic lines, so it should kind of like Tenacious D.
#9
Tenacious D? that should be good lol. Anyway, I thought this was pretty hilarious...and i actually saw that thread too. Nice change here, not doing a rap, not that I have anything against it, of course.


Wanna check out mine? its the first link in my sig. thx
#11
wtf?.....i see the guy above^^^ really hates you, or he really hates the sence of humour...!
nevermind man, its all cool, funny thing (i think you know that)
peace
#12
I'm afraid I'll have to agree with James, it just wasnt a good song, even for a punk melody that would have such simplistic lyrics. However, I wanna tell you that you have an excellent handle on flow, both rap and otherwise, and thats an invaluable skill. O, and hahahahahaha at the story, goddamn that sucks for you
#13
I enjoyed this. You could see what happened so it made it more enjoyable. Good job
#14
Quote by Retribution
This is just really bad writing...

It's stupid, childish, and told at face-value. There's no meaning, there's nothing except a somewhat-funny story, that I would never listen to again.

Sorry, but try delving into real subjects, and read the lyrics tips threads on how to make this song possibly work.

Woah, dude, in case you didn't realize, this was a joke song, if you want a good song, look in my sig, those where my real songs are. I understand that it sucked, but its more for fun than to be serious. Anyone who takes this song seriously loosen up.....
If you want good writing (in my opinion), go here---> https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=409822
#15
Quote by MastaBassist10
Woah, dude, in case you didn't realize, this was a joke song, if you want a good song, look in my sig, those where my real songs are. I understand that it sucked, but its more for fun than to be serious. Anyone who takes this song seriously loosen up.....
If you want good writing (in my opinion), go here---> https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=409822


I'm sick of stupid rap and bad rhyming punk songs getting praised, jokes or not, when most of the better writing here goes unnoticed. I know most of this is more accessible than say, Dylan's stuff, but still, give it a shot.

And even joke songs should be well written. This was not.

Quote by Sveta
wtf?.....i see the guy above^^^ really hates you, or he really hates the sence of humour...!
nevermind man, its all cool, funny thing (i think you know that)
peace


Oh no, I have a sense of humor. In fact, I'd probably say more so than you. I don't find this funny at all. The story, yes, the writing, not at all. I don't appreciate being called out by someone who didn't write the song though. I'm sorry my sense of humor is a little more advanced than "Location: BEHIND YOU!"

Ho ho.
Last edited by Retribution at Aug 14, 2006,
#16
^Dude, I like intelligent humor too, relax. This was just some bullshit I wrote on a whim. Guess you can't please everyone...
#17
psh, personally, i dont think you should have posted this, its not great writing, ive already said it would be funny, but for writing skills...well, like you said...bull****.


Are you gonna check mine, dont want to come across as a prick, but what can i say, i need crits lol.
first in my sig if i dont come across as a selfish person.
#20
I Liked it, I thought it rhymed well, it was funny.
epiphone LP Custom
No amp yet, I just got back in the game.
Had a Gibson LP Studio, Mex Tele, Mex Strat, Blues Deville, and mg50. But thanx to my lovely wife, not locking the door, they all vanished
#21
Quote by AAA_the_band
psh, personally, i dont think you should have posted this, its not great writing, ive already said it would be funny, but for writing skills...well, like you said...bull****.


Are you gonna check mine, dont want to come across as a prick, but what can i say, i need crits lol.
first in my sig if i dont come across as a selfish person.

I did crit your, but very well, I shall crit another. I dunno, maybe I should have posted it maybe not, but I try to do 2 songs a week, even if they suck, its like of like rapping 3 times a day- it keeps me in shape.
#22
The reason they didn't come is because you started making quacking noises, and they had more serious problems to deal with (either that or they thought you must have been "special" because not many people have the balls to do that).

The first verse is a bit cliche, but the rest of it is good. However, I don't think it would become a great hit or something like that because of the subject.
I LOVE YOU JESUS CHRIIIIST
JESUS CHRIST I LOVE YOU
YES I DOOOO
#23
^Maybe not a hit here on UG, but pop music these days would appriciate something stupid like this. And I don't mind writing music that is fun, and that people don't have to think about. I can go either way.
#24
Quote by MastaBassist10
I dunno, maybe I should have posted it maybe not, but I try to do 2 songs a week, even if they suck


k, I made the same mistake that you have and Pixiesfanyo (Jared I believe) corrected me in the following way and truly, it was a learning experience

Quote by Pixiesfanyo
I think something you have to realize though, is that all of your pieces don't have to be posted on UG. It's part of the problem with the site really, everyone just posts **** up that they don't care about, that they aren't connected too, they just feel the need to post something. Don't fall into that trap. Just because you can post it doesn't mean you should.. and I think that's advice for this entire forum not just you.


he is right, but you may take this as you will